"I'VE BEEN TO LONDON TO VISIT THE QUEEN"!!!! That's right, we DID get to visit the Queen! It was really neat but there were some downers, too. I guess all that talk about her being "to busy" to see us was just a bunch of hooey. If you want my opinion, I'll bet the B-Man got on his Blackberry and twisted some arms...probably told them he'd play the race card with the press and make her look like a flaming bigot. He's really good at that, which is why poor old John McCain handled him with kid gloves during the campaign and lost the election. Heck, if Johnny Boy had come after B-Man with both guns blazing, I'd be writing this from Chicago and nobody would be reading it!! But that's all academic, isn't it? Johnny Boy kept everything nice and sweet and now he's back in that smelly old Senate hanging with the rest of those idiots and we're flyin' around in Air Force One and in London eating like kings!!!
I wandered a bit there, didn't I? Back to the queen thing. Yep, we went to see her yesterday. After our moron driver blocked the driveway with B-Man's limo and had to be asked to move it so all the princes and princesses and other big-wigs could get into see the queen, too, things went pretty smooth. Oh...yeah...see, we didn't get to see the queen by ourselves. There were a whole bunch of the leaders of different countries there at the same time. I have to admit, most of the countries I'd never even heard of! Ask me how stupid I felt!!
So anyway, we got to meet the queen. Here's my impression of her: she's old and she's pale (even for a white person) and she smells like a wool sweater when you get it wet, and her breath would stop an Escalade. Whoo, it was all I could do to not put my hand over my nose. I guess it's because she lives in this old nasty palace that's like a thousand years old and they never open the windows because the weather always sucks. Luckily we didn't have to get close to her for very long, but it was enough for me to realize if she ever comes to visit us I'll have to pretend I'm sick or something; I can't imagine spending even a whole day with her!
So we see her and B-Man says all the usual stuff to her and then he gives her a gift: it was an iPod filled with some videos of her when she came to the US the last time, and a whole bunch of really old, stupid songs. See, here's the inside scoop about what happened, from somebody who knows, namely moi. When Gordon Brown, who is some kind of big-wig in their government here, came to visit us a while back, he was practically in the room with us before one of the staffers told us we were supposed to give him a gift. Some kind of silly tradition but you'd have thought just ONE of those morons in the White House would have told us that ahead of time, wouldn't you? But nooooo, we have to find out at the 11th hour. So B-Man tells me to scoot up to our bedroom and raid our DVD collection and put a bunch of them, preferably the ones we never watch, into a gift bag and stick a ribbon on it and hustle back as fast as I can. So that's what I did...I stuffed as many of them as I could in the bag, and that's what we gave Mr. Brown as our gift. Turns out they won't even play on DVD players in Europe because of some technical reason, but it didn't matter....the press acted like we'd given him rubber dog poop and a whoopie cushion or something. Hey, we did the best we could with the time we had, and blew it thanks to the morons we seem to have around us telling us what we should and shouldn't do.
So when B-Man finds out we're actually going to get to visit the queen, he calls up somebody in the White House and tells 'em to come up with something unique and put it on one of those really fast Air Force fighter airplanes and get it over here as fast as that jet can fly, he doesn't care what it costs or how many times the plane has to refuel or how many people have to stay up half the night doin' it...just get the gift here. So what do they come up with??? A freakin' iPod filled with really stupid stuff. But here's the funny part....when they told B-Man what they were doing, he had 'em bury two rap songs waaaaay down in the play lists: Snoop Dog singin' "Sexual Eruption", and "Sarah Palin (I Wanna' Lay Pipe) by John Brown. He told me it was a toss-up between the Sarah Palin one and the East Coast Avengers “Kill Bill O’Reilly”. B-Man HATES Bill O'Reilly almost as much as he hates Rush Limbaugh because he says you can't trick Bill. Oh, he's also kinda' scared of Bill, which is why he was afraid to put the song on the iPod. Anyway, he had those songs put on there because he says old queenie probably won't even listen to any of the songs and if she does, he'll know about it when she hits those two!! Wasn't that clever? Sort of like putting a note in a book to see if anybody ever reads it! I'm tellin' you, B-Man ain't just basketball and pecs and white teeth...the boy's got some serious smarts to boot! Actually he's street smart. You don't live in Chicago without picking up stuff like that.
Oh, here's the best part: they're probably still pissed about the DVD's since I'm sure Gordon Brown whined and cried to the queen, so the gift we got was an autographed picture of the king and the queen!!! An autographed picture!!! Can you believe that???? Not only that, but it's in one of those really cheap Wal-Mart frames and doesn't even have non-glare glass on it! I think that's what she gave to all the people who came to her party, too, so it wasn't even special. I told B-Man we should put it in the bathroom right next to the toilet so it could help us stay regular. Every time I look at it I almost sh*t I get so mad....might as well put it to some good use!
So then we all go over to Gordon Brown's place for the real party and it was o.k. The best part was the food! Say what you will about the English people, they can flat out cook. We had lamb and salmon and asparagus and a whole bunch of other stuff and some kind of tarts for dessert. Oh...and champagne, naturally. I drank a ton of that stuff and let out a huge burp at one point when the table got really quiet. I thought it was hysterical and so did a bunch of other people at the table but B-Man gave me that look he gets when Joe Biden says something really stupid (which is practically every time he opens his mouth!), you know, the one where he pinches his lips together really tight and makes his mouth look like that little star thing under a cat's tail? After I burped so loud that guy from France laughed and I said, "Well, at least I didn't FART!!!" That got me the look again from B-Man. So anyway, I ate like a pig and then I think I must have dozed off from all the food and champagne because the next thing I know we're in the limo heading back to the hotel and B-Man is smoking cigarettes like a blast furnace and will hardly talk to me. I swear, I can't help myself around good food that's free!
We passed some of those idiot protester people in the streets on the way back to the hotel but our driver stuck a gun out the window and they all ran like a bunch of scared rabbits. No wonder we had to bail these people out of two wars.
Well, my fingers are really tired so I'm going to sign off. If I get a chance later and I'm bored, I'll write some more.
Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO
P.S.: I told B-Man about the people shouting at me yesterday while I was on my walk and he was as clueless as I was. Oh well.
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