Children's Health Fair Thingy

Well, Diary, I guess I did a really good thing when I had the Children's Health Fair on the back lawn of the White House. I really do care about kids and all since me and B-Man have two of them, you know. Well, I have two of them anyway....B-Man says he may have more he doesn't know about! He laughed when he said that and told me he was just kidding but I don't think he was....he was a real swordsman when he was younger! I keep waiting for some woman to go to the press and tell them she had Barack's baby. If that happened, B-Man would probably have to make a call to some of his Chicago friends and the woman and her kiddo would disappear. He's done that before and doesn't have any problem doing it. He says, "What I don't know won't hurt me", whatever THAT means!

Anyway, so I had this fair thing and played with all the kids and then we started hula hooping. All the kids shouted and screamed at me to "do the hoop", so I put it on and started bumpin' and grindin' like I do with B-Man after I've had too much champagne, and honestly, Diary, I started GETTIN' INTO IT!!! I'm not kidding! Maybe it was that new thong I was wearing or maybe it was the warm weather or the kids shoutin' at me and encouraging me but I got all flushed and before I knew it I had the "Big O" right there on the White House lawn!!! I don't think anyone knew what happened but I CERTAINLY DID!! Somebody counted and they told me I humped that thing 142 times before it finally dropped. Well, I don't have to tell you why I dropped it! I almost fell over but managed to compose myself.

Oh, and the photographers took the MOST unflattering picture of me with the hula hoop. When me and B-Man and the girls first got to the White House my belly was flat as a board, and I took a lot of pride in it. But after all the caviar and champagne and high livin', I've got a pretty good pooch going. B-Man has made some snide comments about it, like, "Hey, Michelle, are you pregnant again?", and "Hey, Michelle, you're getting fat, you big pig!", and "Hey, Michelle, I see that caviar and champagne has gone to your gut!"....stuff like that. He thinks it's so funny, but then he laughs at some really strange things....like when the unemployment numbers go up or the new jobless figures come out. But after that he always says, "Just like I wanted...everything is going according to The Plan". I don't know what "The Plan" is, but B-Man and Rahm and that Axlerod guy are always scheming with their heads real close together and they're always talkin' about "The Plan". So it must not be good if those guys are in on it.

So anyway, those stupid photographers take this picture and plaster it all over the place. There I am with that hoop riding up over my pooch and my belt is stuck up over the pooch right under my boobs and it makes me look like a fat cow. I may have to cut back to just four bottles of the bubbly every day and get my tummy flat again...or maybe not. I may just wait until B-Man looses the next election and we have to leave the White House and return to a more normal diet when we have to pay for the food ourselves. Boy, that's gonna' be hard to get used to!

Well, I've rattled on and on again. B-Man isn't too happy these days what with that mess in Afghanistan and Cheney accusing him of being a pussy because he won't make a decision on the troops. Then there's the healthcare mess, the economy and everyone losing their jobs, and talk about another stimulus, and that pay czar guy cutting some people's pay by 90%, and Pelosi still screeching and flapping around, and Harry Reid about to get defeated in Nevada, and Fox News reporting all the stuff that's really happening, and....oh, gosh, Diary, it makes me so tired to see how everything is falling apart. B-Man actually cried himself to sleep last night. He said he has no idea what's going on and really, really wishes McCain had won the election. But there's nothing we can do about it now, is there? I told him he just needs to grow a set and deal with it but it just made him cry harder.

Oh well. Time for some champagne!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOO

B-Man Is PISSED!!!!!!!

Dear Diary:
Well, I guess I don't have to tell you about what just happened in Denmark, huh? Mercy me, I've NEVER seen B-Man so upset. But let me start at the beginning.

First of all, I don't care what I said about "sacrificing" by coming over here, this has been a total trip! I had that entire 767 jet airplane all to myself without any of B-Man's people telling me, "You can't do this, you can't do that", so I pretty much did what I damn well pleased.....and believe me it was one 3,000 mile PAR-TAY across the Atlantic (that's the right ocean, isn't it? Or is it the Pacific? I always get them confused!) The champagne started flowing before we even lifted off and didn't stop until they dragged me into the shower to sober up and wash the puke out of my hair! Ooooo-EEEEE, it was fun! I don't remember a whole lot about it except that everyone put on those yellow oxygen masks that come out of the ceiling and started dancing around like fools. Too bad some of B-Man's "happy smoke" couldn't have been pumped into those masks, huh?

So we get here and fart around for a couple days, and then B-Man gets here and we start getting ready to talk to that Olympic Committee about having the Olympics in Chicago. I'll be truthful with you, Diary, B-Man only cared about this because he owes SO MANY people favors and the Olympics in Chicago would have made about a gazillion millionaires out of people who don't have enough sense to pump gas! But they helped B-Man get elected so he had to come over and schmooze with these European sissy-boys. Rahm said we shouldn't come unless we knew for sure what the vote was going to be, but Big Smart B-Man said, "Rahm, why don't you just shut up for once and let me do things my way?!!", so Rahm gave him the finger and sulked in the corner.

So we got up on that stage and made those phony speeches...I hated to drag my dad into the mix but B-Man said we had to pull out all the stops, so I did. To be truthful, I'm not even sure he's my dad but I had to pretend he was because it made for a good speech. I thought B-Man's little touch about being able to walk outside with his daughters and see the Olympics was a bit over-the-top but he thought it was soooooo smart. So after the speeches we went and ate some Denmark food...they eat this really salty fish for all three meals and it makes me so thirsty I can't stand it. So we ate the food and then listened to that one IOC boss-man tell about the votes.

When he said Chicago was kicked out first round with 18 out of 80-something votes, B-Man just stared straight ahead but I could see the veins starting to pop out on his neck the way they do when Pelosi opens her fat yap. The last time I saw him this mad was when Bill O'Reilly called him a doofus on his show. And the last time I saw him this disappointed was when I told him he couldn't be President of the World because the world didn't HAVE a President. So he just stared and then we left and went back to Air Force One and he started saying words that even I can't put in you, Diary....and he actually started THROWING THINGS!!! I've NEVER seen him do that. First he threw a full ashtray right at that full-length mirror he had especially installed in our bedroom and glass went everywhere. Then he took the jacket with the Olympic symbol on it that he'd had specially made for when he gets off the plane in the United States and tried to flush it down the toilet. But the toilet got all stopped up and water poured out on the floor and B-Man slipped and fell down and just sat there in all that water and moaned and groaned. It was pathetic. He kept saying, "What am I going to say to Rahm and Mayor Daley...what am I gonna' say to Rahm and Mayor Daley.....". And it just went on and on until I left and got some champagne.

So....Diary....now he gets to talk to those Iranian crazies about the nukes, and his healthcare thing is a disaster, and all the czars are starting to get looked at, and the economy is in the tank worse than ever, and his beloved ACORN has gotten busted big-time, and Afghanistan is a total mess, and to top it off Pelosi is calling him every hour and telling him something else to do.

Honestly, we both wish we'd never gotten involved in all this. Really. B-Man just isn't cut out for it and I'm getting tired of all the photographers already. I'm going to see if he can pretend to be really sick so we can leave the White House and go back to Chicago. Heck, Jimmy Carter has managed to survive just fine.

Gotta go now, Diary.

Toodles
XOXOXOXOXOXOX