Oh....my....gosh, did I ever cause a stink in England. You'd have thought I peed in the front yard of Buckingham Palace or something they way the British press is whining and crying and wringing their hands. Once again the idiots on our staff let us down. You'd have thought that one, just ONE, of the 500 people we brought over here (yeah, we really did bring over 500....bet that cost the taxpayers a bundle, but who cares...it's free to us!) would have known that you're not supposed to actually touch the queen. I think it's going overboard with the whole royalty thing but the Brits seem to like it and they've been around a lot longer than we have. Anyway, I put my hand on her back...so big, big deal. What the press and the photos didn't show was that she actually put her hand on my rear end! I'm serious! She patted me on my behind and whispered, "Nice bootie!". Once I recovered from the cloud of bad breath that circled my head and could catch some air, I thanked her for the compliment. I couldn't believe it!! Do you suppose she could be a closet lesbian?? I never thought about it until right now. Now there's one for the British press!
Thank goodness we're out of London now and in France. I was really tired of that place and I was tired of going all around the city and acting like I gave a rat's rear end about the British people when I really think they are just a bunch of sissies with funny accents and bad breath. I know I keep going on and on about their breath but I read this thing a long time ago about what people have the worst breath and it said the British women did! I couldn't believe it until I came over here and it's true. I guess with their socialized medicine there's no dental coverage, and maybe nobody ever taught them about floss and toothbrushes. The B-Man is craaaazy when it comes to oral hygiene what with his shiny white teeth and all. He says next to his ears, his teeth are his best feature and he takes really great care of them and makes sure the girls and I take really great care of ours, too. He has like six electric toothbrushes and a Water Pik and a SoniCare and every other gadget to keep his choppers in shape. You'll NEVER see a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth either...he's super-sensitive about food in them. I swear, it takes him about 20 minutes to get ready for bed because he brushes and flosses and brushes and squirts with that WaterPik thing and it just never seems to end. Oh..I also think he's sensitive about having cigarette breath but of course brushing your teeth doesn't do any good since your lungs are rotting and you can't brush THEM! :-)
O.k., I rambled on a bit there. Sorry. Anyway, B-Man is in some stadium now talking to the French people and they're goin' crazy. He told me that all the people who are in the stadium were screened super well before they were told they could attend the speech thing. He said they actually had to try out and prove they could scream really loud and clap good. I've never heard of anything like that but this is France and they do things different here. Plus they had to sign some paper that said they loved B-Man and me and they wouldn't ask any tough questions. The whole thing seems silly but I don't really care about it. He does his thing and I do mine and it works out.
All I can say is I'm glad that whole G20 thing is behind us. B-Man told me that not one thing was really accomplished during the conference. China and Russia still hate us, Germany doesn't really care, France loves us because we're almost socialists now like them, England loves us for the same reason, and I don't even remember the other countries but most of them either hate us or don't care about us. B-Man says China practically owns the whole United States and Russia still wants to blow us up so they're using Iran to do it.
All this political stuff makes my head hurt so I pretty much just nod and think about other things when B-Man goes off on one of his tirades with me. I'm like him on one thing, though: we just wish all the nations could get together and hold hands and think happy thoughts, like in Peter Pan. He says he thinks those crazy Moslems (or Muslims or Muslems...I can never remember how to spell it) terrorists just need to be understood better. He thinks if he could just get Osama Bin Laden out of his cave and take him to Ruth's Chris and get him a decent meal and talk to him he'd tell all his followers to put down their guns and get real jobs. B-Man says nobody has ever done that before and he thinks it would work. And those crazy Taliban guys in Afghanistan just want to be friends, too. B-Man says he bets that none of those guys had parents who loved them and hugged them and told them they were special, and if we could just do that then they'd change completely and be nice. I don't know how we're supposed to go around and hug all of them since they hide like rats and are very hard to find, but maybe that Panetta guy in the CIA can figure it out for us. I just hope he's better than the idiots we brought on this trip!
So like I said, now we're in France. I don't know where we'll be tomorrow, though. B-Man told me all the countries we're goin' to but I forgot. All I know is we get to fly on Air Force One a whole bunch and eat, eat, eat! (Here's a secret: if B-Man would let me I'd stay on that plane and never come out I love it so much!!) We're going somewhere tonight here in France and I'm sure there will be good chow.
I'm told the French cooking makes English food look like Swanson's frozen dinners so I'm really looking forward to supper. And I KNOW there'll be a lot of good French champagne. Honestly, I drink that stuff like water and it makes my head spin around like a break dancer on speed but I just can't help it...I LOVE it! And then I get sooooo sleepy I'm afraid my head will fall down on the table and I'll drool or fart or something! I'm totally outta' control, but I'll tell you one thing....when my belly is full of bubbly I can flat out bust a groove on the dance floor! When B-Man and I are alone in our bedroom in the White House and I get some champagne in me, wow, I put on some moves that make him run to the closet and get on his Air Force One jacket and prepare for a "landing". Tee-hee.
Well....anyway....that's pretty much what's going on in my life. Oops...there's somebody knocking at my hotel door. I guess I have to go somewhere and do something now, just like a puppet. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered to go to college...all I do is meet people and smile and be nice. But I don't care as long as I keep getting all this free food and riding on the plane.
Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO
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