Children's Health Fair Thingy

Well, Diary, I guess I did a really good thing when I had the Children's Health Fair on the back lawn of the White House. I really do care about kids and all since me and B-Man have two of them, you know. Well, I have two of them anyway....B-Man says he may have more he doesn't know about! He laughed when he said that and told me he was just kidding but I don't think he was....he was a real swordsman when he was younger! I keep waiting for some woman to go to the press and tell them she had Barack's baby. If that happened, B-Man would probably have to make a call to some of his Chicago friends and the woman and her kiddo would disappear. He's done that before and doesn't have any problem doing it. He says, "What I don't know won't hurt me", whatever THAT means!

Anyway, so I had this fair thing and played with all the kids and then we started hula hooping. All the kids shouted and screamed at me to "do the hoop", so I put it on and started bumpin' and grindin' like I do with B-Man after I've had too much champagne, and honestly, Diary, I started GETTIN' INTO IT!!! I'm not kidding! Maybe it was that new thong I was wearing or maybe it was the warm weather or the kids shoutin' at me and encouraging me but I got all flushed and before I knew it I had the "Big O" right there on the White House lawn!!! I don't think anyone knew what happened but I CERTAINLY DID!! Somebody counted and they told me I humped that thing 142 times before it finally dropped. Well, I don't have to tell you why I dropped it! I almost fell over but managed to compose myself.

Oh, and the photographers took the MOST unflattering picture of me with the hula hoop. When me and B-Man and the girls first got to the White House my belly was flat as a board, and I took a lot of pride in it. But after all the caviar and champagne and high livin', I've got a pretty good pooch going. B-Man has made some snide comments about it, like, "Hey, Michelle, are you pregnant again?", and "Hey, Michelle, you're getting fat, you big pig!", and "Hey, Michelle, I see that caviar and champagne has gone to your gut!"....stuff like that. He thinks it's so funny, but then he laughs at some really strange things....like when the unemployment numbers go up or the new jobless figures come out. But after that he always says, "Just like I wanted...everything is going according to The Plan". I don't know what "The Plan" is, but B-Man and Rahm and that Axlerod guy are always scheming with their heads real close together and they're always talkin' about "The Plan". So it must not be good if those guys are in on it.

So anyway, those stupid photographers take this picture and plaster it all over the place. There I am with that hoop riding up over my pooch and my belt is stuck up over the pooch right under my boobs and it makes me look like a fat cow. I may have to cut back to just four bottles of the bubbly every day and get my tummy flat again...or maybe not. I may just wait until B-Man looses the next election and we have to leave the White House and return to a more normal diet when we have to pay for the food ourselves. Boy, that's gonna' be hard to get used to!

Well, I've rattled on and on again. B-Man isn't too happy these days what with that mess in Afghanistan and Cheney accusing him of being a pussy because he won't make a decision on the troops. Then there's the healthcare mess, the economy and everyone losing their jobs, and talk about another stimulus, and that pay czar guy cutting some people's pay by 90%, and Pelosi still screeching and flapping around, and Harry Reid about to get defeated in Nevada, and Fox News reporting all the stuff that's really happening, and....oh, gosh, Diary, it makes me so tired to see how everything is falling apart. B-Man actually cried himself to sleep last night. He said he has no idea what's going on and really, really wishes McCain had won the election. But there's nothing we can do about it now, is there? I told him he just needs to grow a set and deal with it but it just made him cry harder.

Oh well. Time for some champagne!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOO

B-Man Is PISSED!!!!!!!

Dear Diary:
Well, I guess I don't have to tell you about what just happened in Denmark, huh? Mercy me, I've NEVER seen B-Man so upset. But let me start at the beginning.

First of all, I don't care what I said about "sacrificing" by coming over here, this has been a total trip! I had that entire 767 jet airplane all to myself without any of B-Man's people telling me, "You can't do this, you can't do that", so I pretty much did what I damn well pleased.....and believe me it was one 3,000 mile PAR-TAY across the Atlantic (that's the right ocean, isn't it? Or is it the Pacific? I always get them confused!) The champagne started flowing before we even lifted off and didn't stop until they dragged me into the shower to sober up and wash the puke out of my hair! Ooooo-EEEEE, it was fun! I don't remember a whole lot about it except that everyone put on those yellow oxygen masks that come out of the ceiling and started dancing around like fools. Too bad some of B-Man's "happy smoke" couldn't have been pumped into those masks, huh?

So we get here and fart around for a couple days, and then B-Man gets here and we start getting ready to talk to that Olympic Committee about having the Olympics in Chicago. I'll be truthful with you, Diary, B-Man only cared about this because he owes SO MANY people favors and the Olympics in Chicago would have made about a gazillion millionaires out of people who don't have enough sense to pump gas! But they helped B-Man get elected so he had to come over and schmooze with these European sissy-boys. Rahm said we shouldn't come unless we knew for sure what the vote was going to be, but Big Smart B-Man said, "Rahm, why don't you just shut up for once and let me do things my way?!!", so Rahm gave him the finger and sulked in the corner.

So we got up on that stage and made those phony speeches...I hated to drag my dad into the mix but B-Man said we had to pull out all the stops, so I did. To be truthful, I'm not even sure he's my dad but I had to pretend he was because it made for a good speech. I thought B-Man's little touch about being able to walk outside with his daughters and see the Olympics was a bit over-the-top but he thought it was soooooo smart. So after the speeches we went and ate some Denmark food...they eat this really salty fish for all three meals and it makes me so thirsty I can't stand it. So we ate the food and then listened to that one IOC boss-man tell about the votes.

When he said Chicago was kicked out first round with 18 out of 80-something votes, B-Man just stared straight ahead but I could see the veins starting to pop out on his neck the way they do when Pelosi opens her fat yap. The last time I saw him this mad was when Bill O'Reilly called him a doofus on his show. And the last time I saw him this disappointed was when I told him he couldn't be President of the World because the world didn't HAVE a President. So he just stared and then we left and went back to Air Force One and he started saying words that even I can't put in you, Diary....and he actually started THROWING THINGS!!! I've NEVER seen him do that. First he threw a full ashtray right at that full-length mirror he had especially installed in our bedroom and glass went everywhere. Then he took the jacket with the Olympic symbol on it that he'd had specially made for when he gets off the plane in the United States and tried to flush it down the toilet. But the toilet got all stopped up and water poured out on the floor and B-Man slipped and fell down and just sat there in all that water and moaned and groaned. It was pathetic. He kept saying, "What am I going to say to Rahm and Mayor Daley...what am I gonna' say to Rahm and Mayor Daley.....". And it just went on and on until I left and got some champagne.

So....Diary....now he gets to talk to those Iranian crazies about the nukes, and his healthcare thing is a disaster, and all the czars are starting to get looked at, and the economy is in the tank worse than ever, and his beloved ACORN has gotten busted big-time, and Afghanistan is a total mess, and to top it off Pelosi is calling him every hour and telling him something else to do.

Honestly, we both wish we'd never gotten involved in all this. Really. B-Man just isn't cut out for it and I'm getting tired of all the photographers already. I'm going to see if he can pretend to be really sick so we can leave the White House and go back to Chicago. Heck, Jimmy Carter has managed to survive just fine.

Gotta go now, Diary.

Toodles
XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Been A Long Time, Huh?

I know, I know, Diary...it's been a long time since I've written in you. But B-Man has had me HOPPIN'! Plus I have to be honest...he read some of the things I wrote in you and put me in time out for a while because he says, "You're tellin' too many of my secrets and you need to stop for a while". Well, I've stopped for a while but I can't quit putting secrets in you because that's what you're for! He never should have stuck his nosy old nose in you anyway. What happened was he ran out of cigarettes and got all frantic and started tearing our bedroom up and found you and read you. So thanks to that nasty habit of his...that he SAID publicly he's quitting but really isn't....he found you and read you. Honestly, sometimes when he's asleep I've though about taking two of his cigarettes and shoving them waaaaaay up his nose just to make him nuts. But I've seen him when he's craaaazy mad...like when Joe Biden says ANOTHER stupid thing or when Pelosi opens her fat yap, and I don't want to be the object of his anger. So I just think about shoving those cigarettes up his nose but I don't do it. But when I think about it, it makes me laugh, especially after I've knocked back a few bottles of the bubbly.

Well, Diary, there's a big stink now about my purse...the one I carried while B-Man and I were in Russia. Some idiot photographer took a picture of us and I honestly didn't think that little bitty purse would even show up, but somebody noticed it and identified it and now B-Man is super mad at me. He was clueless about it...I mean who would even think that little thing would cost $6,000!! Once he found out he chewed me out big time for buying it. I told him, "You get off my back. We're rich now and I don't care what you said about being the 'president of the people', I'm livin' high while I can and you just have to get used to it!". That didn't go over too well with him and he chain-smoked about 10 cigarettes before he finally calmed down. But that's the way I feel, Diary: I don't give a rat's rear end about the poor people in America. They're poor because they're not smart enough to figure out how to be rich like we were. If they'd just sell their souls to the devil like B-Man did in Chicago, they'd be carrying $6,000 purses!

Speaking of Russia, that was some trip! I didn't get to meet that Putin guy but that's fine with me because he scares me. B-Man said he scared HIM too, but then B-Man is afraid of everyone. B-Man said Putin's eyes were evil and if there's ever anyone who knows what evil looks like, it's B-Man. I didn't realize that Putin used to be KGB! Heck, I'll bet he's put a pistol to a few people's heads and pulled the trigger, huh?

But I did get to meet that Dmitry Medvedev and his wife Svetlana; now they were some nice folks. They gave us some kind of special, rare caviar and some Russian champagne, and you know what a pushover I am for those two things. After drinking a bunch of the champagne, I swear I could start understanding what they were saying in Russian before the translator even translated! I know it was my imagination but it seemed so real. I had this crazy thought that maybe I could speak Russian, so the next day while we were walking outside I made up some words and said them to some people that walked by. They gave me some strange looks and started walking faster, so I guess whatever I said wasn't real Russian. Hmmmm.....

I'll tell you, Diary, I'm ready for Summer to be over! I sweat like Fat Elvis when the temperature goes up and I hate it. A couple more months and I can start wearing all the really nice Fall and Winter outfits I've bought. Can't wait for that!

Another secret for you, Diary: B-Man had to get his hair colored yesterday. He's turning gray faster than the economy is crashing. All the stuff going on is just making him nuts, and when he found out his approval ratings are starting to tank, I thought he was going to have the big one. Rahm says not to worry about it but B-Man wants everyone to love and adore and worship him, and he DOES worry about it. He told Rahm to go pound sand...he'd worry about it if he wanted. Which didn't make Rahm very happy, but B-Man can kick him out of the room if he wants.....any time he wants.....and he's done it a few times even though Rahm scares him.

Well, I gotta' go, Diary. It's almost 10:00 a.m. and that's when I have my morning snack.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXO

B-Man And Memorial Day

Well, here it is...Memorial Day. Another historic first, according to B-Man: "The first Memorial Day in America's history with a half black president in office". He actually said "black", rather than "half black"...those are my words. I guess if we ever get a really all black president then everything will have to be historical over again. I am so tired of his saying that all the time..I told him that but he says to just get over it.

So Memorial Day is supposed to be the day we honor all the soldiers who died defending our country. Neither B-Man nor I have a clue about the military, really. B-Man didn't serve because he was scared and since military service is optional he decided he'd just let other people defend our country while he went to school and got into politics. And now he's supposed to be the Commander in Chief, the boss of all the soldiers. Talk about crazy!! He can't even "command" Stupid The Dog, much less soldiers! Heck, guns scare him, fighting scares him, sleeping in a tent scares him, even guys in uniform scare him! He's pretty much scared of his own shadow.

He told me he doesn't understand Memorial Day. We don't have a day where we honor other kinds of people who die, do we? Like cab drivers, or mailmen, or highway workers, or hunters? So he doesn't really think we should have a day where we honor dead military people. He told me he was thinking about proposing to Congress that we get rid of Memorial Day and replace it with "B. Hussein Obama Day" where people could honor him, the first half-black president of the United States. I thought he was just foolin' around but then I realized he was serious! I just didn't say anything to him but I think he's letting this presidency thing get to him. I caught him looking in the mirror the other day muttering, "I am the president of the United States"..."I AM the president of the United States"....I am THE president of the United States". He was putting emphasis on different words in the sentence. He didn't know I was watching and after a few minutes I just shook my head and walked away. I do think he's losing it.

I believe the Pelosi thing is finally over. After she accused the CIA of lying to Congress and then had to defend her statement, the press jumped on her with both feet. She's not very slick at defending herself and said some really stupid things, so B-Man called her up and told her to get out of the country until this thing blows over. So she left on a five day trip to China. Now, Diary, I don't have a clue what she is going to do there. She doesn't have any skills and she doesn't speak Chinese, and she hates stir fry and teriyaki and Spring rolls and all that other Chinese stuff, so I don't have any idea what she'll do while she's there. Maybe she'll just stay in the plane on the runway and sleep or something. And then she'll come back and continue to make a fool of herself. Man...she's a whacko.

As soon as B-Man gets done making some speeches today, we're going to cook some ribs in the White House garden. B-Man got them to get a really good barbecue grill and stick it out there so we can grill things so that's what we're going to do. When we lived back in Chicago, we'd get all our friends and supporters and thugs crooks and radicals and crazys and what-not together on holidays...at least during warm weather....and cook stuff and drink a lot of beer and act silly. We can't do all that here because the photographers would publish pictures of us swilling beer and dancing and doing nutsy stuff and then that idiot Robert Gibbs would have to make some story to feed the White House Press Corps and it just isn't worth it. But we are going to grill some ribs later this afternoon, believe me!

Diary, I have a confession to make: it's only 2:00 p.m. and I've already drunk two whole bottles of champagne. I'm not really even all that loopy, either. I think my body is getting used to all the alcohol I'm drinking, which is too bad because it takes more to get a buzz on than it used to. Of course it's free, but I get bloated after drinking too much of that stuff.

Well, I think I hear B-Man coming, so I'd better go. He's always crabby after giving speeches and not being able to smoke cigarettes, so I'd better have one lit up for him so he can start sucking that smoke into his lungs. Honestly, I wish he'd quit, but he just won't. He says that as long as cigarettes are free (which they are while he's president), he'll never quit.

I have to go now so we can go have a picnic or something.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXO

Another day in paradise.

Well, Diary, we're still here! Haven't gotten kicked out yet!! Isn't it amazing that B-Man and me can be hangin' out with all these important people and living in the White House and we don't have a CLUE what we're doin' here??? It's like the ultimate joke on America! Hey...we went for the gold ring and snatched it right off the pole, and now we're livin' the life of Riley!

Let's see....I guess that silly White House Correspondents' Dinner is hot news...the one where B-Man tried to be funny and then that Wanda Sykes got everyone upset. I did NOT want to go there but B-Man made me, so I drank an entire bottle of champagne before we even got out the door and honestly don't remember a whole lot about it. But I did hear that B-Man, who wrote his own jokes, went over like a fart in church. I told him he needed a professional to write that stuff but he fancies himself to be a real comedian so he just went right ahead and did what he wanted. It was about as well done as that speech he wrote for his inauguration....a real flop. And I told him to memorize it for goodness sakes, but he didn't and he kept looking at his papers so he wouldn't screw up the jokes. At least I was told he did because like I say, I was pretty much blind and deaf from so much champagne. I have to tell you a secret, Diary.....I have this thing made out of PVC pipe and shaped sort of like the letter "H". They made it for me here in the White House, and before these big dinners they fasten it to my chair back but nobody can see it. They tip it up so the "H" is sideways and I sit back against it and they put a bungee chord around my stomach and fasten it to the pipe thing. That way I won't slouch over and fall out of the chair when I get really drunk. It works like a charm but I can't get up until the end of the dinner when they take the bungee off, so I have to make sure to pee before the meal starts! But don't tell anyone about that, ok?

So B-Man does his jokes (I'm being kind when I call them that) and then that Sykes (or is it Sikes? It's always confused me how two letters can sound exactly the same.) woman gets up and says some things that don't go over too well. Well, people laughed...even B-Man (and he took some heat for it later) but I'm told she said some really ugly things. And then that idiot Bob Gibbs had to make some weak statement to the press to cover it up....like B-Man wasn't responsible for what she said and some other hot air. Honestly, if Gibbs didn't have some dirt on B-Man, he'd be out on his sorry rear end and doing the weather on some po-dunk television station in Montana. B-Man won't tell me what it is but it has to do with something that went on in Chicago while he was a Senator for 147 days. Heck, B-Man was involved in so much illegal stuff it could be any of like a thousand things, so it doesn't much matter that I don't know which one. But Gibbs found out somehow and told B-Man he'd write a book if he got fired. So I guess we're stuck with him for a couple more years.

Ohhhh....this economy thing. B-Man is starting to panic, Diary. He's smoking more than ever and isn't sleeping well either. He's gotten a lot of advise about what to do but things just keep going downhill....jobs are going away and the banks are in trouble and he's just at his wit's end. But he told me the worst that could happen is everything would collapse and he'd still have a job, so I guess it's not all that important in the end, huh? We'll still have free food and a nice house, and that's really all that matters.

One other thing before I go to take my nap: Dick Cheney. B-Man absolutely hates Cheney because he just won't go AWAY, and he keeps ragging on B-Man and telling everyone how America isn't safe from terrorists any more and how the administration is doing stupid things. Look, he's not vice president any more and we think he should just go somewhere and retire, but he won't do it. B-Man told me he's seriously considering contacting some of his friends in Chicago and seeing if they couldn't encourage Cheney to have one of his massive heart attacks. I don't have a clue how they could do that, but I don't put anything past them because those men can do some pretty wild things. If B-Man does that and they do their thing, America will never know it wasn't a heart attack because they're GOOD at what they do. So maybe Cheney should keep quite and stay out of B-Man's business. Don't say I didn't warn you, Diary.

Well....that's enough for one day. I'm exhausted and need some champagne and a nap. More later.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

So Much Happ'nin'!!

Whoo-eee! Sorry I haven't written in you for so long, Diary, but I've been busier than Blogg-o tryin' to keep his hair neat in a Chicago windstorm. And you know how tough that one is!!

Let's see...what is going on in my world. Well, let me just list 'em and then I can keep them straight and talk about them. Of course most of them have to do with B-Man and all the stuff on his plate since I don't have much to do besides worry about him, but we ARE a couple (the "historic" couple, remember?) so his problem are my problems...even though neither of us know much about what to do to make them go away. Tee-hee. So here's the list: (1) The Gitmo detainees, (2) The economy, (3) Afghanistan, (4) Iraq, (5) The stink about that photograph of Air Force One and how it scared all those New Yorkers, and then the lesser things like what so much champagne is doing to my stomach, the perpetual problem of Nancy Pelosi and what to do with her, Stupid The Dog, and how much B-Man smokes. Gosh...that's a lot to talk about and here it is only 9:00 a.m. and I usually take a nap around 10:00 or so after some mimosas and caviar. I'll do my best, but no promises!

The Gitmo detainees. Man, that was one serious mistake B-Man made signing that paper right AFTER he got into office sayin' he'd close Gitmo in a year. What a stupid thing to do without any kind of plan at all! B-Man told me that Rahm made him do it to make all the people who voted for him happy, especially the ones that hate war. So he did it, but then he lost all the points he gained with them when he said he would be sending more troops to Afghanistan, but I'll talk about that later. So anyway, here he goes and signs that paper and NOW he has to figure out what to do with those bad men who are locked up in Cuba. Nobody in the United States wants them, and B-Man has begged and begged people in Europe to take them, but nobody wants them because they are such nasty guys. Here's what I think they should do with them: give them all jobs as prison guards!! They could work inside the prisons and make the prisoners behave. They have lots of experience being prisoners, they're mean just like guards need to be, and maybe the prisoners would stick home-made knives into them and then the problem would go away! I thought of that all by myself. I told B-Man about it and he just looked at me and lit a cigarette and then he blew the smoke right into my face and told me that's what he thought of my idea. Honestly, I try to help him and that's the way he treats me.

O.k....next. The economy. Here's the truth...B-Man doesn't have a clue what to do. And he doesn't really care, either. We get our "three hots and a cot" every day and that's all that matters to him. Actually I get about "six hots", plus champagne and snacks all the time. But the bottom line is he doesn't care and neither do I. If it works out, it works out...if not, more people lose their jobs but not us. Isn't it funny...B-Man and I can fly around in Air Force One and talk to people who've just been fired and tell them to keep their chin up because things will get better because B-Man will fix it. Hahhaahah....he's CLUELESS!!

Next, Iraq. Clueless again.

Next: the Air Force One photo. Look, if B-Man wants a picture taken, he gets a picture taken. As for those wussie New Yorkers who got so scared, I say get over it. That whole Twin Towers thing was not a good thing but it wasn't all that bad. Heck, more people get killed in downtown D.C. in a year than died in that attack and we'll build more buildings and things will move on. Besides, the guys who did it really believed they were doing the right thing so we should cut them some slack...that's what B-Man says anyway.

I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to type because I've been knocking back the champagne and I'm startin' to get a nice buzz, but I'll try to keep going. Oh yeah...the champagne and my stomach. Well, it's startin' to mess my stomach up, that's all I can say. B-Man says I drink waaaaay too much of it, but this whole White House gig is like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet for FREE!! I can't stop eating and drinking because we don't have to pay for it!! I counted the other day and I drank ten bottles of the stuff....I couldn't believe it! I drink it like other people drink water but I just can't stop. And it really messes up my bowels. The Secret Service men who follow me around have this sign they slap on the restroom doors after I've been in them: "Closed For Cleaning". Then they come back in a couple hours and take the sign off. Kind of embarrassing but I can't quit so that's just the way it is.

Nancy Pelosi: B-Man is at the end of his rope with her, which is where he says he'd like to see her hanging. She's hopeless....really. I've had to talk to her every now and then when I couldn't get out of it and she just rattles on and on about things and I can't even follow what she's saying, and the way she talks is like a cheap movie...her lips move but they don't match the words that come out. It's really strange. The last time I talked to her we were sitting on a couch at a party and right in the middle of a sentence she jumped up, just like she did like a thousand times during B-Man's State of The Union speech and shouted out, "I LOVE SWEET POTATOES!!"...just like that, and then she sat back down and just kept on talking. Honestly, I jumped a foot off the ground she startled me so much. When she finally shut up I asked her why she'd shouted that about sweet potatoes and she said, "Shouted what?" She is nuts....really nuts. And those folks in California just keep electing her, which says a lot about that State, huh?

I can't type any more. My head is going around and around and I need to poop. I'm done...maybe I'll write some more later but I don't know. I never know.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

I Got Seriously Busted....But I Don't Care!!

With all this Swine flu stuff and Chrysler declaring bankruptcy and all the other terrible things B-Man is having to deal with, you'd think the press would leave ME alone for a little while, wouldn't you? I mean, I'm really not all that important but I guess all the drooling fans around the country..maybe even around the world since I was such a big hit when I went to Europe for whatever reason it was...I hardly remember...just need their daily fix of me and B-Man.

So here's the deal....I go to this food bank here in Washington, right? B-Man makes me do things like that to make a good impression on everyone, even though I HATE to even associate with all those nasty poor people who smell and look like they've been sleeping in a cardboard box. Heck, most of them don't even know who I am, and sometimes when I ask them, they don't even know who B-Man is!!!! Can you believe that?? The most famous man in the whole world right now and they don't even know!! When I find one like that I give them a picture of him and a copy of his book to read so maybe they'll get educated. So...anyway....I'm at this food bank giving stuff to eat to nasty, homeless people, and by mistake I wear my newest shoes. They're some of those Lanvin sneakers and I have to admit I paid over $500 for them. When I told B-Man what they cost he went nuts because he said we're supposed to represent the poor and the oppressed and all, but he smoked about ten cigarettes and drank some beer and finally he settled down. Then he admitted that we deserve to be treated like kings and I could get another pair of those sneakers that cost over $1,000 if I wanted to and the American public can just get over it. He said we got to the White House through a lot of hard work and now we're livin' high on the hog for the next four years!!! To be honest, the work we did wasn't all that hard...heck, it wasn't really even work. So I guess we really sort of sneaked into the White House, huh? Hahahah....well...we're here and too bad for everyone else who wanted to be here instead of us, especially that witch Hillary.

Honestly, Diary, she is looking worse and worse every day I see her! She has a bag the size of a Big Mac under each of those beady little eyes and her hair points out in all directions and she just looks like warmed over yak doo-doo. And when she talks her mouth is all puckered up like she just smelled one of B-Man's gas bubbles! Oooo...she really is disgusting. She gets puffed up like a boy peacock when she gets to do a press conference and acts like such a big-wig when really all she has is that title B-Man gave her because he's so afraid of Bill. She gets told what to say and do by other people and I think it's starting to get on her nerves. Here she wanted to be president and now she's really just a puppet with bags under her eyes and huge hips she tries to hide in those ugly pant-suits she wears. Which doesn't work if you've ever seen her from behind...whoooo..no wonder Bill doesn't even sleep in the same bed with her any more!

Anyway, the press makes this huge deal out of my expensive shoes, so I told them I have to get up at 5:30 every morning to walk Stupid The Dog and I needed some sneakers to wear. I know it was lame but it was all I could think of and I'm sure it was better than what B-Man would have come up with since he wouldn't have had his teleprompter to tell him what to say. And the stupid press bought it!!! Nobody even asked me why I couldn't have gotten a $50 pair of Nikes to walk Stupid with. Honestly, we can pretty much say and do anything we want and those idiots in the press make it alright. I think I could choke Stupid with my bare hands (which I'm tempted to do on a daily basis) and the headlines in the paper would be, "Bo Obama Asphyxiates On Chicken Bone And Dies". I had to look "asphyxiates" up in the dictionary because I didn't have a clue how to spell it. I didn't even know it has and "x" in it! So the press is pretty much just a joke....we might as well have Rahm just write the stories and send them to the newspapers to print.

Oh, before I go, I need to tell you a secret: now that B-Man runs the automobile companies, he's going to have them build a car and name it after ME!!! Can you believe that?? A car called the "Michelle"! So pretty soon my name will be plastered all over new cars on those little metal plates you can't even take off if you wanted to! I think he's also going to have one named after each of our girls, and he told me he's going to try to convince NASA to name one of the space shuttles after him and have a huge picture of his face painted on the nose of it! So when it goes into outer space, if there are any aliens out there (which we both think there are), maybe they'll see his face and realize how nice the earth is and call off their plans to attack us and turn us all into zombies. At least that's the plan, which I believe will work. Of course, like I said, B-Man has to convince NASA to do it. Since he's cut funding to practically everything if it even smells a little like defense, I'm sure NASA took some hits and they may not want his face on a shuttle. Ahh..he can just call some of his Chicago buddies and they can threaten to break some kneecaps and I'll bet they'll bust their rear ends to get it done then!! B-Man knows some really nasty people, believe me, and they owe him some huge favors.

Well, I'm tired now. I've been up for almost an hour and I think I'll knock back a half-dozen mimosa's and catch a quick nap before lunch.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Idiots....all of them idiots!!

I'm lying here in bed eating fresh strawberries and drinking champagne and not believing what I'm hearing. I TOLD B-Man that flying that backup Air Force One airplane really low over New York with those fighter plane close to it just so he could have a picture for his iPhone was a bad idea. I TOLD HIM but he wouldn't listen. I said, "B-Man, you may have completely forgotten about those nut-cases who flew airplanes into the World Trade Center but I'll bet the people living in New York haven't, and they're gonna' be scared to death." He just waved his hand at me and told me to go take the dog outside for a walk. Look, I'm not the president of the United States like B-Man is...and he won't let me ever forget it...but I knew it was stupid. And sure enough, I was right.

There came that airplane flying really, really low with those little fighters buzzing around it like bugs and people started screaming and yelling and running outside from their office buildings and going completely nut-so. And then...THEN...Mayor Bloomstein or Bloomski or whatever his name is gets in front of the press and you can tell he's REALLY pissed because he didn't know anything about it. And then that idiot Gibbs had to pretend he didn't know anything about it when the press asked him questions during his daily press conference with them. Truth is, he doesn't know much of anything about much of anything so he hardly had to even lie. Did you hear that fool said his job as press secretary is the "funnest job" he's ever had?? Even I know that "funnest" isn't even a word, and if people think he's having fun in that job then maybe they'll want his pay to be cut or something. Geezzzz......he has less brains than he has hair, and he doesn't have much hair. I told B-Man a long time ago to get rid of that guy but for some reason he won't.

Oh...then....I don't know what to say about the fools that run B-Man's teleprompter. How difficult could that be?? So one of them screws up during one of B-Man's historic speeches and gets the pages screwed up and B-Man has to actually tell him to "move it on up"...the page I mean. He pretended it was funny and people in the audience actually laughed but he was STEAMIN' PISSED about it. He keeps hiring his relatives to run that thing so they can have some money but honestly, his people are dumber than stumps. So he paid the price and got embarrassed and all bent out of joint because his cousin Mojuumba or somebody couldn't figure out when to push a button. I'm shakin' my head...again.

Let's see....what else to talk about. Oh....I showed B-Man how I did that math problem yesterday and he said he was very proud of me for figuring it out. He went over it and over it and finally said he couldn't have done it. He said there were too many steps and it confused him. Can you believe that?? He's the guy who is supposed to solve the financial crisis and be in charge of General Motors and all that and he can't even do multiplication and then that dividing stuff?? Lord save us all!! But I'll tell you something...he's one heck of a community organizer and a great campaigner!

Stupid The Dog hasn't gotten any better. He's dumber than the teleprompter people and I'm not sure he's ever going to get housebroken. We've put one of our slaves on him 24/7 or he just leaves piles of poo all over the White House. Yesterday one of the special visitors from some country I've never even heard of (that doesn't narrow it down, I know, because there are a whole BUNCH of countries I've never heard of!!) stepped right into a fresh pile of poo and went nuts. Evidently where they live if you step in animal poo you're cursed for the rest of your life, so this guy stepped in it and then started screaming and crying and made a terrible scene. Luckily we had some visitors from the Washington D.C. Zoo who were showing a bunch of kids some animals and they had one of those guns that shoots darts with medicine in it, so they shot the guy with a dart and he settled down. I don't know what happened to him after that but I'm tellin' you, the dog was in trouble..again.

I'm so sick of hearing about the Swine Flu I could scream. B-Man is tired of it, too, but he has to pretend he cares and make speeches about it and tell everyone he has it under control, when really he hardly has his own bladder under control. This whole place is out of control. Stuff goes on all the time and B-Man is the last to hear about it because Rahm doesn't tell him, but like I've said before, B-Man is scared to death of Rahm so nothing happens. I want to go back to Chicago.

I'm tired now and getting kinda woozy from all the champagne. I know it's still early but I think I'll take a nap and try to dream I'm back in the Windy City at my old job in the hospital. Those were some good times, huh?

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Now It's The Swine Flu!!!

We just want one day...ONE DAY...when absolutely nothing happens but I just don't think that'll ever be. Now it's that stupid flu that some stupid people got from the stupid Mexicans and took back with them to stupid New York and gave to other stupid people and now it's spread to New Zealand and Kansas. It's soooo stupid! But people are too stupid to wash their hands and not let anyone cough on them so as far as I'm concerned they deserve to get sick.

B-Man actually came in contact with someone who had that flu when he went to that conference where he kissed up to Chavez and had to listen to that other guy rant and rave about how bad America was and then B-Man didn't even say anything about it. He came in contact with someone who DIED from that flu just a couple days ago. So you can imagine how scared B-Man is....he's petrified, and every time he coughs or sneezes he calls the White House doctor up to give him a complete physical. We just keep one of those boxes of rubber gloves in the bedroom so the doctor doesn't even have to bring them with him any more. And every time I see B-Man he has a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. If he asks me, "Do I feel hot to you?" one more time I think I'm going to scream. And then....THEN....he said the most idiotic thing I've ever heard: he looked me right in the eye and said, "If I get the Swine Flu it'll be historic...I'll be the first black president of the Unite States to ever get it." I got so mad at him for that I just stomped out of the room and slammed the door behind me.

He's making me wear one of those surgical masks when I'm not in public and I have to wash my hands with that waterless hand cleaner once each hour, even if I haven't touched anything or even been out of the bedroom. B-Man says if I get it then he'll probably get it and if he dies then Joe Biden will be president and he can't even stand the thought of that. Oh...guess what...he even makes Stupid The Dog wear a mask. That dog really, really hates that because the little elastic strap gets tangled in his hair and pulls and makes him go nuts, but B-Man says no dog of his will get a disease named after a pig...it would be humiliating for both of them!

B-Man is still working on his stupid "100 Days" speech. He stands in front of the mirror and practices all his expressions and his hand movements and when he starts with that I just leave the room because I can't stand to watch him. People think he's so natural when he talks but really when he doesn't practice or have the teleprompter he can hardly complete a sentence! He stutters and says..ahhhhhh....and gets all confused and it's really painful to watch. He has a whole bunch of phrases he's memorized and he just sort of plugs them in the right spots when he is asked a question that isn't on the teleprompter. Sometimes he totally blows it...like at that Saint Patrick's Day party with that king from Ireland, or whoever he was, when B-man read the king's speech by mistake. I just shake my head....

While we're on that subject, I wonder what happens after the first 100 days; is there a "first 200 days" and then a "first 300 days" and on and on? I mean where does it stop? Let's see, if he makes it through the whole four years without getting kicked out, that would be 365 times 4 is.....mmmmmmm......mmmmmm....4 times 5 is 20, write down the zero and carry the 2, 4 times 6 is 24 plus the 2 that was carried so that's 26 so I write down the 6 and carry the 2 again, then 4 times 3 is 12 plus the 2 that I carried, so that's 1460 days. So if I divide 1460 by 100, that's 14 with 60 left over, so B-Man would have to give 14 of those stupid speeches and then there would be 60 days where he wouldn't have to make one but he could cover those days in his farewell speech. Whew..that was some HARD math, but I got the answer and that's what's important. B-Man says that no matter how hard you have to work, when you get the answer then it's worth it. Well...that's for other people because we don't really have to work and we've never really had to work. We just get somebody who's really smart to do the work for us, like doing those numbers. But it's good advice for other people, huh? When B-Man gets home I'm going to show him in my Diary how I did those numbers and he'll be really proud of me. He told me once he didn't marry me for my brain, even though I went to law school. Heck, with all that Affirmative Action stuff I hardly had to study at all and I still got really good grades. If you want to know the truth, I don't know a single thing about the law except you're supposed to come to a complete stop at stop signs...not even roll a little, and if you get a speeding ticket and don't pay it the police will issue a warrant for your arrest and you'll be in seriously big trouble. That's it...that's all I know about the law....it would fit on the head of a pin. But it doesn't matter because I'll never have to work again what with B-Man's presidency thing and retirement pay for life and all. And even after he's not president any more, even if he leaves in shame (which will most likely happen), I can still give speeches and make a lot of money doing that.

Oh...one more thing: that Janet Neopolitan woman or whatever her name is...the lady B-Man nominated for leader of Homeland Security. Man...where did he come up with HER?? If she isn't a dike, she missed her calling. She's scary to watch on television, and that memo she wrote about war veterans becoming terrorists is the wackiest thing I've ever heard of! B-Man says she made a whole lot of people mad with that one but he doesn't really care because all those people didn't vote for him anyway since he's all about taking away everyone's guns and cutting defense spending and just generally raping the military. So he'll probably let her stay in her job but a lot of people are telling her she should resign. She'll never resign, though because I'll bet she gets to meet a lot of other gay women and why would she throw that away???

Well, enough. My fingers are tired and I have to go wash my hands again and log it in on that little sheet that B-Man makes me write on. I think it's stupid but I'll do what he says so he won't pout, which he's VERY good at doing when he doesn't get his way. I swear, if he had lost the election I'll bet he'd STILL be in his room with the door locked, even after almost 100 days! Hahahaha.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Sorr-eeeeeee....

....I haven't written in you for a few days, Diary. I got ahold of some bad lobster the other night and I've been huggin' the commode and hopin' to die! Lordie, LORDIE!! There's a price to pay for all this high livin', that's for sure. When I lived in the hood I never got bad lobster!

Well, I'm better now anyway. I made all those servants bring me lots of ginger ale and other stuff to settle my stomach and now I'm ready to make up for lost time. I'm kinda' off lobster for the next couple days but there's always tenderloin and stuff that I deserve so I'll just switch to that I guess.

B-Man is workin' his skinny little rear end off on his "100 Days" speech. He says it feels more like 1,000 days he's been in this terrible job, but it's really only been 100. Heck, for me I think it's great, but then I don't have to go through all the torture he does...I just eat and drink and sleep and give a few speeches. Anyway, he's writing the whole speech himself so he can be "historic" (there's that word again..I hate it!!!): the first African American President to write his own 100-days speech. Yawn....I don't have a clue what'll be in it and really I don't care. I'll get an advanced copy from the teleprompter guys who type it in so B-Man doesn't make any mistakes but I doubt if I'll even read it even then. Television will be totally shot on Wednesday when he gives the speech...no matter what channel you turn to, there he'll be, smilin' and actin' serious and shuckin' and jivin', and lovin' the applause and cheers. From what I'm picking up around this place, B-Man's first 100 days have been a complete disaster and everyone is runnin' scared. Oh...forgot to mention, I don't know where he's going to be for this speech but it'll probably be in the Oval Office. All I know is I hated it when he addressed Congress and that idiot Pelosi, who sat right behind him, kept poppin' up and clappin' like a drunk monkey every time he said the slightest thing. By the time it was over I was surprised she didn't have her nose shoved right up his behind. Lordie, I cannot stand to even look at that white girl.

Oh...the dog. The press picked up that I said Stupid (aka Bo) is crazy. They made a joke about it but you know I really think he is. They said something about his chewing on people's feet...what they didn't know was about the dump on the towel and the pee on the picture incidents. If they knew how much I'd like that idiot dog to just wander off and never come back I'd have the SPCA and PETA and a bunch of other animal-lovin' freaks picketing the White House. But there's fat chance he'll ever do that because there's so much security around him every time he goes out; I guess they're afraid the Somali pirates will snatch him or something and hold him for ransom! One thing I do get a kick out of it watching those snooty Secret Service guys have to pick up Stupid's poo every time he drops a load. See, we can't have dog poo on the White House lawn or it would look bad for the nation. B-Man can kiss Hugo Chavez's rear end and bow to the Saudi king (and it WAS a bow...any fool could see that but I guess Bob Gibbs thinks he can just say it wasn't a bow and people will believe it) but no dog poo on the White House lawn! What's wrong with THAT picture?? Hahahaha. We sure live in some crazy times!

Speaking of crazy, won't that Somali pirate thing ever be put to rest? Evidently some email messages from some Navy guys got made public about how B-Man didn't react very fast and the Navy finally just had to over-ride him and shoot those sorry bastards. Well, it really is true...I told you before B-Man didn't have a clue what to do and wanted the FBI to keep negotiating with the pirates but the Navy captain on the ship gave the go-ahead when they pointed an AK47 at that guy's head, and those SEAL snipers blew them all away. Of course, B-Man had to act like it was his plan all along but in reality he was clueless....aaaaas usual! Well, it all turned out just fine and that's all that matters, right?

I have to go now, Diary, and get ready for whatever religious service B-Man has picked for us today. Honestly, one day he's Muslim and then one day he's Jewish and then one day he's Christian (even though we're not a Christian nation..remember?) and I just don't know what we'll be today. You want to know the truth? B-Man doesn't believe in God at all...or Allah...or any of those other people. He says we're our own gods and have to act like a god if we want to get ahead. I don't have a clue what he means by that but he was talking the other night about getting a tattoo on his foot that would say, "I Am God". I'm afraid he's losin' it...

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXO

Will It NEVER Stop???

B-Man says there's just no way this job is worth the money...no way. It's startin' to drive him completely crazy. He smokes like a chimney whenever there isn't a camera on him and he's put burn holes in all the carpets in the White House, especially in the Oval Office. When he stubs out a cigarette he doesn't use the ashtray...he just throws it down and crushes it with his foot. He says the taxpayers can buy him a new carpet when his is totally trashed because they owe that to him for what the job is doing to his head.

Here's the latest thing that makes him nuts: that torture thing that everyone is talking about. He says he just wishes it would go away like the pirate thing did. If he could call in the Navy SEALS and have them shoot somebody and solve it, I'm sure he would! He did the next best thing...put it on Eric Holder to decide. Honestly, B-Man is simply NOT good at making decisions! That pirate thing took him forever to figure out and when he finally told the Navy to kill the bad guys it was four days into the situation. He took some heat for that, and some tacky person somewhere started the rumor that the reason he waited so long was to make sure none of the pirates were related to him. Isn't that a childish thing to say?? Anyway, this torture thing is just a mess. He was ready to drop it but a bunch of his loony left-wing Bush-hatin' friends told him he had to take down anybody in the Bush administration that he could and teach them a lesson. I'm not sure what lesson it would teach them, but there's a whole lot of stuff I don't understand about what happens here in Washington. In fact, B-Man says it's the most confusing place he's ever lived and if it wasn't for his secretary and Rahm and other people who lead him around, he'd just go sit in a corner somewhere until it was time to eat the next meal. And he is serious, too!

Another thing I have to tell you, Diary....he's started drinking vodka in the middle of the day! I caught him in the bedroom yesterday sitting on the side of the bed in one of his $2,000 suits the taxpayers bought him, staring off into space with this glass of what looked like water, talking to himself. He was saying, "What have I got myself into?...what have I got myself into?"...over and over and over and he'd take a drink of the "water" every now and then. He didn't see me watching me but when he finally did I went over to him and he buried his head in my lap and said, "Michelle, I'm so scared...I'm so scared...", and he started crying. That's when I smelled the alcohol on his breath, even through that nasty cigarette smell. I'm tellin' you, Diary, he's about to crack. I don't know who is running this country but it sure isn't HIM! And he thought he wanted this job so bad and now he's stuck with it for the next almost four years. I'm beginning to hope he does something so outrageous that he'll get impeached and then we can leave. But heck, I don't know what that would be after Bill Clinton and that stunt with that intern and even THAT wasn't enough to get him out. Maybe B-Man would have to shoot somebody or something. I'm soooo tempted to send that copy I have of his birth certificate to the press...the one that shows he was born in Africa. That would probably get us back to Chicago but if he found out it was me, he'd kill me and then my girls wouldn't have a mommy. No...I guess we're pretty much stuck here.

And then there's Hillary. What an embarrassment to America. I swear, I saw her on television on a news conference the other day and her face looked like she was in one of those machines they put test pilots in where it goes around and around faster and faster and pretty soon their face is all pulled down and scary looking. I'm not sure she's getting any sleep at all because she looks worse than Barbara Bush and Barbara has about 30 years on her!! I'm not sure what's up with her since I avoid her every time I can. What I'm really afraid of is that Bill will be with her and he'll hit on me again like he did during the campaign. It was really uncomfortable then and I'm not sure how I'd handle it now, except to turn him down, of course. I swear, he's such a horn-dog I don't know how Hillary puts up with him. I heard Dennis Miller say that Hillary has been cheated on more often than a blind woman playing Scrabble with the gypsies. Isn't that funny???!!!! Oh, speaking of people on television, I got a glimpse of that Henry Waxman talking about something and that guy gets worse looking every DAY!! Rush calls him "Nostrildamus" and I can see why....I'll bet you could put a golf ball up his nose and he's never even notice. Hahahhaa.....I'm killin' myself today.

Well, let's see....my schedule is pretty light today. I'm going to a wine tasting and then I'm going to read some books to little kids and then it'll be time for my lunch and afternoon nap and then I'll have my nails and hair done with taxpayer money and then it'll be supper time and then some toddies and then off to bed. Just another day in paradise. I can't wait to get out of here, and don't even get me started on that evil dog of ours. I hate that creature.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Sigh

My, my, MY. B-Man and I have decided he’s in charge of a nation with almost no sense at all, and of course, he’s not helpin’ much with that since I truly believe he’s losin’ his marbles, but really….all this stink about some beauty queen saying she thinks marriage should be between a man and a woman?? Even B-Man, who believes some really really really really REALLY strange things believes that’s right. But all those old gay and lesbian weirdo’s just won’t let it go. Heck, that stupid beauty queen judge asked that girl her OPINION and then when she gave it he ragged on her on his blog . If you ask somebody their opinion, then you get what you get! My momma used to say, “Don’t ask the question if you can’t live with the answer”, and I think that Spanish guy just couldn’t live with the answer. By the way, is he a fruitcake? Just asking.

Speaking of fruitcakes, B-Man has gotten yet another fruitcake idea in his rapidly-graying head: he thinks we should learn to speak Russian AND Spanish so we can talk to the leaders of other countries! Isn’t that the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard?? He wanted to learn whatever language those people speak in Iran but he talked to somebody who knows about it and they said we couldn’t learn that language because our throats just aren’t made right for it. Have you ever heard them talk over there?? Mercy, it’s the strangest thing you’ll ever hear…they click and slurp and rattle their tongues around in their mouths like cows eating hay but somehow they get their ideas across to each other. At least I guess they do since I can’t understand a word they’re saying. And their alphabet looks like a bunch of sticks and stuff….like drawings from a kindergarten class. No wonder they live in mud huts and eat camel poo and have those towels on their heads and long robes even in that incredible HEAT!

So anyway, these two boxes from UPS show up in our bedroom and B-Man tells me to open them and they have “Rosetta Stone - Spanish” and” Rosetta Stone - Russian” inside them. Then he makes me load them on my laptop and give them a whirl. Honestly, I don’t have the time to learn one language, much less two. He says we can’t let our brains stagnate just because we’re livin’ in the White House and eating free food and all. I asked him if he didn’t use his brain enough in his job to keep it active and he said he doesn’t use his brain at ALL in his job…..he lets Pelosi and Reid and Rahm run things so he pretty much doesn’t have to think. He said he tried getting a handle on everything when he first got in office but it was waaaaaay beyond him and gave him terrific headaches, so he quit fighting and just rolled with it. He says he’s really looking forward to campaigning for his re-election in 2012 since he’s so good at it. He asked Rahm if he thought beginning his campaign this summer would be too soon, and Rahm said it would be a little too soon. B-Man was just crushed with that answer but he trusts Rahm and does everything he says, but B-Man told me he’s starting to write his campaign speeches and isn’t telling Rahm about it.

B-Man sits in the Oval Office every day and people come in and talk to him but they don’t know he’s just sitting there writing his speeches…they think he’s taking notes! Then when the people leave, B-Man gets Rahm’s opinion and that’s what he does, so he doesn’t even have to listen to the people while they’re talking! And that’s pretty much what he does with his day…sits there and listens and then gets Rahm’s opinion and then does that. Oh….he signs stuff, too. He told me he doesn’t have a clue what he’s signing but if it’s in his in-box and needs a signature, he signs it. One time Rahm tricked him and put a document in there that said B-Man authorized Joe Biden to be President and he’d be the Vice President, and B-Man went right ahead and signed it. They had a good laugh over that one and Joe wanted to keep the document as a souvenir but Rahm said no and shredded it in that shredding machine he has that he seems to put a whole lot of stuff in. Honestly, he empties that little plastic hamper under it a couple times a day. Once I asked him what was in it and he said, “Our past…we can’t afford for anyone to know the details!” Then he laughed that really scary laugh he uses when he acts like that other person he has inside him. B-Man is so scared of Rahm, probably because of that other person. I’m not afraid of him, though. He got pushy with me once and I got right in his face and told him he did NOT want to mess with me because I’d smack him down so hard he’d hear Reverend Wright’s voice in his head forever. He got this really strange look on his face and began to whimper like a little puppy. I had to give him some hot tea to calm him down, but he stays away from me pretty much now.

Oh, Lordie…I just looked at my schedule for today and it looks like I’m meeting some animal lover’s group at one o’clock. Since we’ve gotten Stupid The Dog, I’ve been growing less and less fond of animals. I don’t know what I’ll say to these people, but maybe I’ll just talk about how much I love to eat beef and they’ll cut the meeting short and go away. I’ve found out if I get tired of seeing people I can just drop some word-bomb and they scoot out of the room as fast as possible. Like when I asked that big-wig Catholic guy what they did with the pop-beads they carried around all the time. He started coughing and said he had to go take his medicine. Go figure.

Well, I’m getting tired and have to go do another Rosetta Stone lesson.

Hasta La Vista
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Those B-Man Pecs!!!

Well, FINALLY something that makes B-Man happy!! He's been in such a nasty mood lately I hardly like to be around him. But here we go with some good news: his "pec picture" is going to be on the May cover of "Washingtonian"!! He's so proud of that picture and the good job the artists did with Photoshop to make his pecs look so cut. I shouldn't tell you this, Diary, and if it gets out I do believe he'll divorce me, but his pecs don't look ANYTHING like that. In fact, he pretty much doesn't even HAVE any pecs.

He does bench presses and push-ups and all kinds of evil exercises but it doesn't seem to help. He asked the White House doctor what was wrong with him and the doctor told him his problem is low testosterone levels that keep his muscles from getting bigger. So no matter how much he works out and sweats and stuff it won't help. I guess that's why he only has to shave his face about once a week. Honestly I think that's why he's afraid of Rahm...because Rahm has this heavy beard and likes to flaunt how much he needs a shave to B-Man!

But anyway, there he is on the cover of that magazine!! He can't wait until he can walk down the street (not that he can do much of that any more) and see his face on all the covers on all the magazine stands! He simply cannot get enough of himself and there is no such thing as over-exposure with him. Oh...I forgot to mention...we have not one, not two, but THREE display cases in our bedroom now filled with all kinds of stuff with his picture on it: coffee cups, drinking glasses, plates, key chains, ash trays, water bottles, koozies, t-shirts, bobble-heads, hats, the list just goes on and on. Every time he sees another one he has to buy it and put it on display. I'm afraid we're going to run out of room because I'm sure before we get kicked out of here there will be a bunch more display cases in the room. I think I'm going to suggest we hang the little things from fishing line from the ceiling, like stars, so they won't take up any floor space. That would be kinda' cool, don't you think?

One thing I don't like about that magazine thing, though. One of the articles is called, "Our Neighbor Is Hot", meaning the B-Man since Washington thinks of him as a neighbor...which I think is kind of presumptuous. We are NOT neighbors of these thugs and criminals that live in this city: we're royalty, we're special, we're the President and First Lady. The nerve of them to think we're their neighbors. Heck, if we could live someplace nicer, like San Diego or France or something and still do the job, we'd do that. Let's face it, Washington is worse than Chicago. People get killed and mugged and smacked down here faster than Pelosi heads to California on the weekends. No way we'd stay here if we didn't have to! "Neighbors", my rosy rear end!! But back to that "hot" comment. I don't appreciate people lookin' at my man and thinking he's hot. I have a hard enough time keepin' his eyes on ME without that magazine puttin' thoughts in his head that he's hot. I'm not gonna' act like Hillary did with Bill if B-Man starts messin' around on me, believe me. I'll make such a fuss that he'll never be able to look me in the eye again. So America needs to get rid of that "our President is hot" idea....for good!!

Oh, did I ever hear a scandal and if this one gets out who knows what will happen! It seems that Barney Frank threw this big party and invited Pelosi and Harry Reid and some other people from Congress and it turned into some kind of orgy. From what I'm told, Barney actually put a little pony saddle on Harry and rode him around and around the room, slapping his rear end with a rolled up newspaper and shouting, "On Harry, on Harry...FASTER, FASTER!!!" When I heard that I thought I'd die laughing. Only I guess it wasn't so funny because Harry isn't exactly a young man and he got some chest pains and they had to quit the game. Plus his sides were all cut up from Barney's spurs. Pelosi started doing Jello shots and ended up swinging from this chandelier and barking like a dog. I really do believe she's nuts in the head and when I heard that it just confirmed what I thought. Then they had this keraoke contest and as it turns out, Pelosi couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. Evidently she doesn't sing...she howls...and it hurt people's ears and some really good wine glasses actually exploded when she hit some of the high notes. When she sang, "Stairway To Heaven" she pretty much cleared the room and it sort of broke up the party. Barney was the host of the party but he didn't even see his guests to the door because he'd gone off somewhere to do nasty stuff with one of the caterers who was a real cowboy, evidently. That man is so disgusting I don't even like to be in the same room. Harry spent the night on the couch popping nitro pills, and I guess he was luck to make it until morning. You won't read any of this stuff in the newspapers because they keep it all hush-hush, but I heard there were some photos taken on cell-phones that should get some people some sweet rewards for keeping them out of the tabloids. Washington...what a city!!

Well, I guess I'd better go now. Busy day ahead what with a big lunch and then my nap and then supper! Whoo-eee...I do love this White House gig!!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

B-Man's Upset AGAIN!!!

I'm tellin' you, Diary, B-Man is about to lose it. Every day it's something else and he's just not built to take criticism. When we were in Chicago everyone loved him and he was always told what a great guy he was, but now it's gotten to the point that he just hates to see Bob Gibbs because he knows it's gonna' be bad news of some sort. The press beats him up...after all the money B-Man gave those newspapers and television stations during the campaign to not print anything about Bill Ayers or Reverend Wright or any of the other thugs B-Man hung with, and they're STILL mean to him!!! It just isn't fair...it's not.

The latest thing is this "Obama Toilet Paper" thing. It was sooo funny when Bush's face was on it and I have to tell you a secret....B-Man actually used some of it one time and laughed for a week over it. He kept saying, "Boy, I sure fixed that Dubbya, didn't I?" He'd just chuckle and giggle and I finally had to tell him to let it go, that it wasn't really all that funny. Well he sure doesn't think it's so funny NOW!

Somewhere he saw a picture of his face on the paper and had to go hide and smoke about a zillion cigarettes before he settled down. He's got high blood pressure, you know....well, you probably don't know because his medical records stay hidden along with his birth certificate and all. Heck, if America found out all the stuff he's hiding, a moving van would pull up to the White House tomorrow and we'd be hustled back to Chicago and "Joe The Idiot" would be the new president of the United States of America, U.S.A. So that's why he has to hide everything.

Well, anyway, he DOES have high blood pressure which is just one of the reasons I want him to quit smoking but he just won't. I'm afraid he'll have the big one sometime in the next 3+ years, which would probably make Rush Limbaugh and all those other conservative freaks just as happy as clams. And it won't take many more things like the toilet paper to push him over the top.

Well, do you want to know the latest thing that Bo The Dog (aka "Stupid") did? Do you really want to know? I hate to even tell you this one because B-Man doesn't know about it and if he finds out there'll be hell to pay. You know that picture they put in the newspaper of B-Man in the ocean in Hawaii and made all those comments about his pecs? He loved it so much he had an 8 x 10 of it printed and autographed it to himself and put it on the nightstand right next to his pillow. He told me he loves it that the very first thing he does in the morning is just roll over and see that picture of himself. So what does Stupid do sometime during the day? Well, he gets up on the bed, takes the picture in his mouth (I'm assuming that because there are teeth marks all over the frame), breaks the glass, and pees on it!!! The pee soaked right through the broken glass and ruined the picture!! I was disgusted when I saw B-Man's beautiful pecs all soaked with dog pee!

I had another one printed really quick and tried to copy B-Man's signature and all the stuff he wrote on it about how he loves himself and all, and I just hope it passes inspection. I'm sure B-Man won't ever think that it's a fake, but if he finds out it's gonna' be a hard one to explain. I'll probably tell him that one of our slaves...oops, I mean servants....must have taken the real one as a souvenir and put the fake one in it's place, hoping he wouldn't notice. That might actually make him feel good because he has to be constantly told how special he is and how everyone loves him and how he's so "historic" (if I hear that word one more time I'm gonna' scream!!). But hopefully he won't even notice since he doesn't notice much of anything these days. But here's the bottom line: Stupid has now pooped on the towel I stole from Buckingham Palace and peed on B-Man's picture. The only thing left for him to do is puke on something and he'll have covered all his fluids....well, not all of them but after he's fixed that'll take care of the last one. I'm beginning to think he was trained by the Republicans to sabotage our stuff and try to make us lose our minds. If so, he's doing a pretty good job. I've told our servants to keep Stupid out of our bedroom but they're dumber than ACORN volunteers and can't seem to remember to close the door. Besides, the turnover in our servants is incredible....they work a couple days, see how crazy and unreasonable B-Man is, and quit. So there are new ones constantly coming in and I guess they just don't get the word about the dog and the bedroom. Oh well.....

Let's see what else is happening. Hmmmm....well, that handshake with Chavez is still in the newspapers and even a bunch of Democrats are starting to wonder if B-Man isn't a little un-glued. I mean, this Chavez guy is one bad dude...he's killed all kinds of people and there's even word out that he's a child molester, but B-Man still thinks it's important that he pretends to be friends with him. There's talk about how B-Man is hurting America by acting like he's everybody's friend, even the nut-cases that run some of the other countries, but B-Man does want everyone to like him and he'll sell out America to be liked...he even told me that. Plus he doesn't really believe Iran is such a bad country or North Korea is such a bad country, or even Russia. He says it's all just a bunch of stuff to scare us. He even told me, in confidence, he thinks George Bush had the Twin Towers blown up so he could start a war with Iraq and take all their oil. But he hasn't taken all their oil so that doesn't make sense, does it? Well, a lot of what B-Man says these days doesn't make much sense...I told you the pressure is really getting to him. He's pretty much told Pelosi (who he just hates) and Rahm (who scares him) and Barney (who gives him the creeps because he's a homo and all) and Harry (who smells like an old wool sweater) to just run the country and do whatever they want. All HE wants to do is travel and keep campaigning for the rest of his first and final term.

Well, that's enough for today, Diary. I have to go eat lunch now...lobster and lots of champaign!! Then it's nap time and shower time and then it's supper time and the day's over! I just love living here in the White House..it's the easiest job I've ever had, and I don't have to lift a finger!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Ooooo, Lordie!

It’s been the week from HELL, I tell you, Diary. I know I haven’t written for a long time but I’ve been busier than an ACORN worker on the south side of town during the presidential election! What’s going on in my life, you ask? Well, I’m gonna’ tell you, honey.

First there’s this stupid dog we got. B-Man said we had to get a dog so that when something really bad happened somewhere in the world, or when Robert Gibbs shoved his foot in his mouth AGAIN, we could just have the dog appear somewhere where the photographers could see him and that would take all the stupid Americans’ minds off whatever it was that happened. There have been more pictures take of Bo (that’s what B-Man named him….I think it’s stupid but he liked the sound of “Bo Obama”, but he calls him “Bo-bama”. Dumb.) than of ME, and I don’t like that one bit. The other reason we had to get this dog is so when B-Man gets rid of one his famous gas bubbles he can blame it on Bo. I know the truth, of course, because I’ve lived with B-Man so long I know his habits and I know when a bubble is coming, depending on what he’s been eating. So anyway, I’ve been having to deal with Stupid…that’s what I call Bo….and it’s wearin’ me OUT!

Two days ago you won’t believe what happened. Remember when we were in Europe for that conference a while back where B-Man apologized for America and bowed to that Arab guy and everyone here got so excited? Well, if you’ll recall, I got to meet the queen..…remember? While we were visiting her I had to use the bathroom on account of all the rich food I’d pigged out on the night before….whoooo, I was about to explode! So anyway, while I was in the bathroom I stole one of the little hand towels and put it in my purse. Hey, why not? They probably have zillions of ‘em and I’ll bet everyone who visits takes one or two home. They have this neat little crest embroidered on them and under it are the words, “Property Of Buckingham Palace. If Found, Please Return To The Queen.” I wanted to take some other stuff but I didn’t think ahead to bring my really big “stealin’ purse”. So anyway, a couple days ago I was looking at that towel and left it on the floor of the bedroom by mistake, and BO TOOK A DUMP ON IT!!!! I came in the bedroom to touch up my makeup and there it was…a big, steamin’ pile of digested “Iams Indoor Formula”, right there on the towel. Bo was nowhere to be seen, of course, and my first thought was B-Man had put one of those fake rubber dog poops on the towel just to trick me….he loves those kinds of things. We’re always gettin’ packages from Spencer’s Gifts addressed to him and he won’t show me what’s in the boxes…it drives me CRAZY! So that’s what I thought at first…B-Man had played a little trick on me. But when I reached down to pick it up, my fingers just sank right into it!! It wasn’t rubber at all!!!! I’d just had my nails done and I was so disgusted I practically scrubbed them off with a brush and some soap and Lysol. If I could have gotten ahold of that stupid dog’s throat right then and there, I’d have squeezed it harder than the queen squeezed my booty.

So what was I supposed to do with that towel?? If I put it in the dirty clothes hamper, then the Royal Launderess or whatever that lady who washes all our clothes calls herself would know I’d stolen it what with the words on it and all, and she’d probably have told all the other servants we have and one of them would have sold the information to the press and then it would have gotten to the queen and probably caused an international incident, which B-Man certainly doesn’t need at THIS point of his practically blown presidency! So I did the only thing I could do…after shaking the poop into the toilet I put the towel in a plastic trash bag and threw it away. I was SO pissed at that dog…probably the only towel I’d ever have from Buckingham Palace (since we probably won’t ever be invited back) had to be thrown away like a used Kleenex. I don’t know if Stupid’s been fixed yet, but if he hasn’t I’m going to whine and pout until B-Man agrees we should have his cajones removed. That’s small payback for messing up my towel, but at least every time I see him from the rear after it’s done and see that empty space under his tail I’ll get some satisfaction….plus it probably hurts like hell and he deserves to be hurt. Back home where I’m from if a dog did something like that he'd end up in the Chicago River, but we have to act all civilized and righteous now, what with B-Man’s position and all.

So what else has been happening to keep me so busy? Oh, yeah….I was stuck here while B-Man went to some stupid meeting in Trinidad and shook hands with that Chavez guy and that caused a big stink. Chavez is the boss of one of those countries and has a lot of oil and likes the Russians so B-Man said he thought it would be a good idea if we were friends with all of them. Of course all the photographers took pictures and all the conservatives got excited and said that Chavez, who had called B-Man and “idiot” just a couple weeks ago, wasn’t really being a friend but guess what? B-Man told me that just before the picture was taken he’d gone to the bathroom and DIDN’T WASH HIS HANDS!! So the joke is on Chavez because B-Man shook hands with him and gave him germs!! If that ever gets out, Chavez will probably have his hand cut off or something since those people down there believe in all kinds of voodoo and stuff. Luckily I didn’t have to go to that conference but I’m always nervous when B-Man’s away and I don’t sleep well because I’m afraid some loony will grab him and hold him for ransom or something like those pirates did in Salami, or what ever the name of that country is. I know he’s got all that security and stuff but I’m still afraid something will happen like in those Boerne movies where people drop out of the sky. It could happen..it could.

Ooooohhhh, how could I almost forget??? That Jewish Seder thing that B-Man thought would be nice for us to have at Easter!! Oh….my…..gosh. He went to one when he was campaigning and thought it was just so neat and all so here we go again with another of his hair-brained ideas. I guess he thought that having one of those things in the White House would make Israel happy and get him back some support from them after he said he wanted to talk to Iran, but how in the world will we know if it worked or not?? All I know is it took FOREVER and I’ve never seen such a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. B-Man said it was all symbolic of the stuff the Jews believe in but I don’t have a clue. We sat around this table with all these weird foods in little bowls….parsley and salty water and some kind of relish stuff with apples in it and HORSERADISH!!!...can you believe that???....and those big huge burnt crackers with absolutely NO flavor in them. And that absolutely worst wine I’ve ever had…it was too sweet and didn’t have any kind of kick to it, not that we got to drink that much of it anyway. We read all this stuff out of little booklets and there were songs and then we broke those crackers apart and ate them and then we ate the parsley dipped in salt water and then read some more and then ate another cracker dipped in the horseradish and drank some wine and it just went on…..and on…..and on….and on……until I almost went crazy. I had to get up and go to the bathroom a couple of times just to stretch my legs and get away from it all, and every time I came back I was hoping it would be over, but noooooo….more crackers and wine and songs and reading stuff and oh my gosh. I guess the Jews did all that because they had a lot of time on their hands wandering around in the desert (or is it dessert? I can never remember how to spell that silly word!) but personally I have a pretty busy schedule and can’t afford four hours of whatever you call that. Finally it was over and I'm telling you one thing...if B-Man doesn't get impeached and we're still her next Easter and he decides we should have another Seder thing, I'm going to fake cramps and just stay in bed!!

So that’s about it…the dog and the conference and the Seder. I won’t even go into the Easter Egg Roll because I’m getting tired. But I do have a confession to make….when I first heard about it I thought it was the Easter Eggroll….like that Chinese food!! I thought we were going to go and eat eggrolls for Easter!! Isn’t that a scream?? I couldn’t figure out how that tradition ever got started since the Chinese have a different New Years than us and probably don’t even believe in Easter. But it turned out to be an egg roll. All I’m going to say about that is it was a pain in the butt and I’m so sick of eating boiled eggs and deviled eggs and egg salad from all the leftover eggs that I finally had to tell the kitchen pukes not to even let me SEE another egg until the 4th of July!

Gotta’ go.
Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXO

It's Good To Be Home, But.....

.....B-Man is starting to get what I'm calling "The White House Blues". He really doesn't like it here any more. He told me he had NO idea the kind of work he'd have to do if he got elected. He says it's really, really hard and most of the time he doesn't have a clue what's going on. But I've told you that already. Oh...and you absolutely have to keep this a secret...he finally admitted that George Bush did one heck of a job as President but the Bush-haters were too stupid to realize it. He's so afraid there's going to be another terrorist attack in the United States while he's President and he'll get blamed for it. He hardly sleeps at all any more.

What with this latest pirate thing and Hillary calling the pirates "criminals", which implies they have all the rights that go along with criminals, instead of terrorist thugs which is what they are...well...the press is jumping on the bandwagon again. Honestly, they just pick on any little word and won't let it go. It was o.k. when Slick Willie got into that "What is 'is' " routine because he was a Democrat and the press loved him, but now those same reporters are knocking Hillary. Plus B-Man doesn't have a clue about what to do with those pirates, which is why he hasn't said Jack squat about it. He's hoping it'll be settled somehow and it'll just go away...maybe Hillary can even fix it, but he's not too hopeful about that. B-Man says she's a total ditzoid and every time he sees her and her little "lemon-sucking mouth", he says he feels physically ill. But he had to put her in that office or Bill would have been furious with him and who knows what might have happened: he said he didn't want to end up like Vince Foster, whoever that is. All I know is he's really scared of Bill because he says Bill Clinton has done some things that would have landed the average American in prison for life, sort of like that Kennedy guy who drowned his intern...I can't remember his name.

So there's that pirate thing, and the budget thing, and all the Tea Parties going on, and all the hoo-rah about the economy, and Nancy Pelosi, and Barny Frank, and Harry Reid, and Tim Geithner The Tax Cheat, Rush Limbaugh and Gleen Beck and Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity and now the numbers on that poll thing that tell us how much everybody loves B-Man are going DOWN. He says he doesn't care about it because he doesn't work for the American people and most of them, especially the ones who voted for him, are idiots, but I'll tell you a secret....he has a little chart on the inside of his closet door and he tracks those numbers. I dread it when he opens that door because when he sees that chart it always puts him in a really bad mood and he smokes like a ton of cigarettes and mutters things like, "How can they NOT love me???", and "Don't they understand I'm an historic President???", and "This job is really, really hard...don't they know that?" It's breaks my heart to see him like that but I don't know what to do except to smile and dress real nice and hope it helps people start liking him again. If the numbers keep going down I'm honestly afraid he might do something to harm himself, that's how much I think he cares about it.

Oh....my....gosh. I have to bring up one more unpleasant thing: Robert Gibbs, the White House Press Secretary. B-Man is just about to can him, I'm telling you. B-Man thought Gibbs would get better with time but he's not...he's getting WORSE! Now when the press asks him a tough question, like "How can you possibly say that when the President bent over from the waist until his back was parallel with the ground, it wasn't a bow??", Robert gets visibly pissed and comes back with some smarty-pants answer. Honestly, I don't know why they don't just admit that B-Man bowed because he thought it was appropriate and let it go at that. But nooooo, Gibbs has to pretend that all of American didn't see what all of America saw. Who CARES???? But it just shows that he'll say anything, even if it's a big huge lie. So B-Man is starting to get really tired of Gibbs and his inability to make a complete sentence, and his 1950's glasses, and that little hank of greasy hair that falls down on his bald forehead, and the way he sweats when he's on the hot seat, and his arrogant attitude because he's the hoity-toity Press Secretary. Oh...and the reporters are really liking it when he gets upset, which he does a LOT now.

Well, I'm getting tired of writing all this stuff. Why can't we just go back to Chicago and live the lives we did before B-Man got this crazy idea about being President? He hates it, and I hate seeing him hate it, and now it appears more and more of the country is hating him. Well, only a couple more years and we can leave here. Oh...one other thing....B-Man has another chart on his closet door that shows the number of days left for him to be President. He says he's not going to run again and I can tell he loves marking those days off. Well, 2012 can't come too soon for both of us.

(Sigh)

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOX

Ze Bow, Ze Bow!

Lord have mercy, have you ever heard such a stink about a stupid bow? Look, B-Man doesn't bow to anybody, not John McCain, not Reverend Wright (well, maybe a little to him), and certainly not the king of whatever that raghead country was. Here's the truth: the night before the bowing incident was "Mexican Night" on Air Force One. One of the 500 people we brought with us on the trip was Lupe Hastalavista, the best cooker of Mexican food on the planet. She outdid herself, even in that little airplane kitchen. B-Man kinda' overdid it with the burritos and I have to admit, when he knocks back the kind of food he did that night we all pay for it big-time! Thank goodness we spent the night in a hotel away from everyone. Even though I had to suffer through his gas attacks, the others were spared.

So he gets up, drinks some coffee and orange juice, and heads off to see the king. Just before he went in to greet the guy, this huge, painful gas bubble popped up in his gut and there was just no way he could possibly control it. He figured what he'd do was bend over just a little....just a little....and let the burrito fumare sneak out. I don't know how often those Arab people take baths but B-Man said he figured nobody in the room would even notice the addition to the stench so that's what he did. He wasn't bowing to the king....he really wasn't. He was bowing to the Mexican food!!

So the press gets ahold of it and makes such a big deal out of it, but now the truth is out so everybody can just relax and talk about something else. Like what's been going on here while we were gone. And believe me, this place just went nuts the whole time we were gone. That nut-case Pelosi wrote B-Man up this long list of things she wants to do and put it on B-Man's desk for his signature when he got back. I do believe she's got a brain tumor or something and B-Man gets so mad at her he just goes and plays basketball to let off steam. He says if he doesn't do that he's afraid he'll wrap his big, long half-black fingers around her neck and just squeeze until the normally dead look in her eyes becomes an even deader look. He's serious, too!

So she writes up this list and here are a couple of the things she wants:
1) She wants to be formally designated as "Princess Pelosi". Conservative talk radio has nicknamed her that and she's started liking it, so that's what she wants people to call her, even in the House and Senate. Can you believe that????

2) She wants B-Man to tell Barney Frank that she's officially his boss and he has to do what she tells him to do. She hates Barney because he ignores her and she knows he hates her, too, and it drives her nuts. I guess she thinks if she's his boss she can cut him down to size. B-Man says the truth is that Barney is so stupid he wouldn't even care if she was his boss and he'd still do as he pleased.

3) This is the cruncher...this is the one that made B-Man go play basketball for almost an hour and come back sweating like a Christmas hog: she wants her own jet airplane...one of her very own assigned to her 24/7, and SHE WANTS HER NAME PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF IT!!! She said she wants it to be called the "Pelosi Express" and she wants a picture of her face painted on it, too. She said she needs a G-IV because she needs the room for all her clothes and her friends and stuff. This way she won't have to borrow one from the Air Force all the time. In the paper she says those Air Force people are starting to be really rude to her because she's so demanding and she's just tired of putting up with all their guff.

Well, you can imagine how all this went over with the B-Man. He took this big red magic marker and wrote, "Get Serious!!" across the paper and had it sent back to her. So I guess any pretense of playing nice between them is totally over now. Honestly, that woman needs to be put out to pasture but the cows would probably protest! Hahahah....I just made that one up!

So now that the big G-20 trip is over, B-Man has his staff on the lookout for where we can go next. He totally doesn't get this "working at the White House" business because he says he really doesn't have a clue about what he's supposed to do, but man, he loves to travel and talk to big crowds of people about how nice he is and how sorry he is for America being such a bad country and how he's going to change it and make nice with everyone. THAT'S what he's really best at, that's for sure!

Oh..one more thing...there's supposed to be some big deal on tax day...April 15th. A whole bunch of idiot Americans are going to have what they're calling "Tea Parties" to protest the high taxes and spending that B-Man is pushing through. He says I should just ignore them like he's going to do. He says he wouldn't care if they held the protests in our bedroom, he's still gonna' tax the rich people until they bleed and give all the money to the poor people so they'll like him more and vote for him next election. So that's that.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO