London, Here We Come!!

This is soooo cool! I'm writing this as the B-Man and I head to London to the G20 conference...you know, the one where all the world leaders get together and talk about a bunch of things and then the stock market crashes right after it's over because nobody can agree to anything. But I don't care because I'm writing this from Air Force One, the most kick-ass airplane on the planet!! B-Man and I just love riding in it because he gets to wear that jacket (which honestly, he looks kinda' silly in it because he's so skinny and all) and we are just spoiled by everyone. Lord knows we deserve it what with our ancestors bein' slaves and all. Well, B-Man's really weren't but mine probably were and that's all that counts. Anyway, we'd go for a ride in this thing every day if we could get away with it but the Conservatives would make a big deal out of it and then we'd have to stop doing it. Another thing I love about this plane is how jealous Nancy Pelosi is of it. She flies around in those Air Force Gulfstream G-IV's and thinks she's just so hot, but compared to Air Force One, her G-IV is a tinker toy. And she knows it. Whenever I get the chance and I'm around her, which believe me I try to avoid (not only is she one stupid white woman but she wears so much perfume my eyes run), I always mention Air Force One. Her face gets all tense and the chords stand out on her neck and I just giggle to myself.

Soooo....we're heading to London. I've never been there but I hear it's a really neat city. I won't be able to wander around and shop and stuff like I'd really like to do because of the security risk. I've heard London has enough Muslims to populate another country and since B-Man was a Muslim once...but isn't any more....they aren't too fond of him. Something in that book of theirs that says anyone who does that should be put to death. So everyone's afraid if I go out in the city one of those loonies will snatch me and then hold me hostage or even cut off my head, which I'd rather avoid. So I guess I'll pretty much be stuck in the hotel or pretty close by it.

B-Man tried to set up a trip for me to meet the Queen of England...that really old lady...I don't remember her name. But for some reason her people said she was "busy" the whole time we're gonna' be here. I find that hard to believe. Have you ever seen her? She always wears this heavy coat and those Wicked Witch Of The West shoes and just goes around and shakes people's hands. I don't have a clue what she's up to that would keep me from meeting her, but that's what her people told our people so I guess that's that. I really wanted to be able to sing that song, "Pussycat, pussycat, where have you been? I've been to London to visit the Queen" to my girls and when it came to that second part be able to sing it really loud and point to myself and make a big deal out of it. But I guess that won't happen. Oh well..it's her loss to not be able to spend time with the first black First Lady in the history of the universe.

B-Man has been really busy studying up on world economics so he won't sound like a complete dunce at this conference. He told me he really doesn't understand most of it but he has helpers who can talk in his ear through that little hearing aid thing he wears and keep him from digging too big a hole if he has to talk. We brought the teleprompter with us on the plane...heck, we brought a couple of them in case one of them breaks, and there are a bunch of people who type stuff that appears on it and he can read from that. But it might be hard to hide it from everyone so they'll know what's he's going to say even before he says it. Not good. With our luck there'll be a repeat of that snafu with that guy from Ireland and B-Man will have to cover his tracks again! He's really good at that, though, coming up through the Chicago political machine. Heck, he can fabricate a lie faster than you can blink and get out of the biggest doggone messes you've ever seen. He's a real genius at that.

I'm startin' to get drowsy now so I think I'll take a little nap on the CALIFORNIA KING sized bed we have in our private quarters. Honestly, you just wouldn't believe this plane!! We had lobster and Kobe beef and champagne for lunch and I always get sleepy when I stuff myself. The rest of the people and the crew and all had spaghetti and garlic bread but they said it was really good. The only bad thing is the bread stunk up the plane, so I think I'll just sleep off the champagne buzz and by the time I wake up I'll bet the garlic smell will be gone. I hope so anyway.

I'll write a whole bunch while we're here because I'll have a lot of free time and I can share what's going on with you.

P.S.: I hear pot's really easy to get here! Maybe B-Man and I can get toked up and have some really hot English sex tonight!! Tee-hee!!

XOXOXOXO
Michelle

B-Man Steamin' Hot

Oooo-eeee, the B-Man was smokin' hot this morning. I was almost afraid to hand him his morning pick-me-up...a cup of Starbucks with a shot of MD20/20. He calls it his "gut bomb", and he's just a bear until he's downed at least one of them. He has a cigarette or two with it and then if he thinks he's gonna' have a really bad day he lights up one of those funny little cigarettes. Annnnyway, he's ticked because of this whole Notre Dame commencement speech thing. There're a bunch of Catholic nut-case students that don't want him to speak at their graduation ceremony because he doesn't have a problem with abortion and their silly Catholic rules tell them that abortions are bad. So the university invites him and then these cry-babies don't want him to come. Good grief, I don't blame him for being upset. He's really sensitive about feeling like he's not welcome, and this situation is just stupid.

Look, those Catholics can believe anything they want, what with their little beads and that holy water they sprinkle on everything and the kneeling and standing and kneeling and standing, but we need to get our schedule straight. I mean the girls need some stability in their lives. Besides, who cares about abortions? If the B-Man had his way he'd make it legal to whack kids up until they're a year old...he told me that. He said it would be sort of a "try before you buy" deal.

So anyway, he got so mad this morning about the Notre Dame thing I could hardly settle him down. I guess we'll just have to see how that works out but I sure hope it's soon because I like to know where we'll be and when we'll be there!

Oh yeah....yesterday I told you I'd talk about some of the other people that drive the B-Man crazy...Barney Frank and Harry Reid, but I left out a couple: Rush Limbaugh and George Bush...the one that was just President...and also that skinny little Ann Coulter woman. Oh, every time he sees HER he has to smoke two of those funny little cigarettes just to settle down. Well, that's a lot to cover so I'll just hit the first two.

The first one, that Barney Frank guy, well, he's just a mess. Heck, he's been arrested and almost got thrown out of the Senate years ago for something having to do with the fact that he's a girlie man and had some sort of male prostitution thing going on in the downstairs of his condo. Then he claimed he didn't know anything about it!!! Now I ask you, how could that be?? If men were doing the dirty deed DOWNSTAIRS from you, don't you think you'd figure it out? Anyway, he's done a whole bunch of other stuff too...dated a criminal and fixed his traffic tickets. I could go on and on, but just let me way that the B-Man wishes he'd just disappear, like Pelosi. B-Man said he can't even stand to have a conversation with Barnie because he gets spit all over his suit! Yuck!

I guess I should talk about Harry Reid since the Reid, Pelosi, Frank trio sort of fit together as the top three stupid people in the House and Senate. Hmmm..well...Reid's problem is he's just old and tired and doesn't seem to have all his mental faculties. He says really strange things and then forgets he said 'em! B-Man told me that one time he was talking to Harry and Harry just randomly shouted out, "I HATE BUTTERMILK!!" real loud. It scared B-Man but Harry just acted like nothing happened. Isn't that weird?? And to think Harry has a high position in our government. B-Man is hoping Harry will retire real soon but he's not too hopeful about it.

Well, I have to go now. I have to make some stupid speech about educating our children and such, which I don't really care about because we send our kids to private schools and aren't too concerned about what goes on in those yucky public schools.

Toodles
Michelle
xoxoxoxo

Hey, I'm Back!

I have a few more minutes so I'll keep going telling you what it's like here in the White House. Let's see...I've covered the food and Air Force One. Oh yeah...I guess I should say right now that the B-Man is not particularly happy.

See, the whole idea about running for President was a real kick for him. I mean who wouldn't like having all the power and living like a king for at least four years, maybe even eight? But I have to be honest with you, this job is just beating him to a pulp! He really wasn't ready for it. I mean he's never really had a real job and doesn't have a clue about leading people. He does a pretty good job faking it, but most everything that's going on might just as well be in Russian...he's beginning to panic. Luckily for him he has some smart, experienced people around him but they all tell him different things to do and sometimes he really gets confused.

One time he took this piece of paper and wrote down a bunch of choices on it and taped it to the wall and threw a dart at it. The first couple times he missed the whole paper, and one of the darts stuck in this lamp on the nightstand that we were told belonged to JFK, whoever that is. Anyway, when he finally hit the paper he chose the choice closest to the dart and did that.

This debt thing and the budget and AIG bonuses and the crashing stock market and North Korea's missiles and Iran's nuke and Russia hating us and China building up their military and gas prices and all the other stuff has the poor B-Man not sleeping worth a crap. To top it all off his hair is beginning to turn gray!! He's dying it but people will figure it out before long, or some stupid reporter will spill the beans. B-Man keeps trying to blame everything on George Bush but even he knows his days are numbered doing that. Eventually he has to take responsibility for what he's doing.

I don't care how much power he has, I don't think he knew what he was getting into when he told those Chicago guys he'd run for President. Heck, we didn't believe he'd get nominated, much less win! We thought Hillary would get the nomination what with Bill's influence and all. After B-Man got the nomination we were really nervous because we thought the Clintons might get the hit man they got to whack Vince Foster and give him our address. No kidding...we were afraid we'd just disappear off the face of the earth, but I guess even Clinton knew he'd get nailed for it.

As sort of a reward for not offing us, B-Man gave Hillary the Secretary of State position even though he knew she'd be a thorn in his side. He sat down with Bill before the appointment and made him cross his heart and hope to die that he'd stay out of the public eye if he gave Hil the job. Bill agreed to it but everyone knows he lies like a rug and will do what he damn well pleases. So far, so good, though. B-Man has been sending Hillary all over the world to keep her away but eventually he'll run out of countries and she'll start hanging around Washington. I don't look forward to that!

Sorry....I sorta' rambled there, didn't I? I do a lot of free association with my thoughts because things are so hectic around here and I have a hard time focusing. Anyway, let's see what else is cool about living here. Mmmm.....well, everybody is really polite. They're probably just petrified we'll do something if they aren't nice to us, but we don't care....we like to be catered to and treated like royalty. I guess that's about it but I'm sure I'll think of some other things.

I'm only going to type a bit longer because the kids will be coming home from school soon and I like to spend some time with them. I'll tell you a little about some of the other people that hang out with B-Man.

First, Rahm Emanual. Talk about a mean, nasty man, that's Rahm. He loves to make people feel like warmed-over dog poop. When he reads bad stuff in the paper about his enemies he just laughs like crazy. I read about that knife incident where he kept sticking a knife into the table at some fancy banquet and I can see him doing that easily. He's a nasty guy, but he's good at what he does and doesn't care who hates him, and believe me a lot of people do.

Second, Nancy Pelosi. Lord have mercy. I've met some air-heads before but this one beats anything I've ever seen. How she ever got where she is is a mystery to me and the B-Man as well. Between you and me he can't stand her. He says she's on a huge power trip but doesn't have the smarts to do it well. He says she's like a rhino crashing around and goring people. I read once that rhinos have teeny tiny brains so I guess that's why he chose that. He's really hoping she won't get reelected...says it would make his life a lot easier.

I have to go now, but next post I'll talk about Barnie Frank and Harry Reid, another couple of real winners. Along with Nancy, B-Man says they're the three dumbest white people he's ever met.

Toodles
Michelle

First Post To My New Blog

Well...here I am! I decided it was time to jump on this "blog train" like everyone else, and I'm really looking forward to giving you the inside scoop on what goes on in my and my husband's life. He's B. Hussein Obama, of course...the President of the Whole Universe (that's what he says he is anyway).

I have a lot of catching up to do since we've been living in the White House for a bunch of weeks already, and I probably won't be able to go back that far since I'm really, really busy, but I promise I'll keep this diary up-to-date from here on. I can share some things with you right now, though, about how things are going so far.

First of all, The B-Man and I can hardly believe where we're living. Every night when we pull those covers up to our chins in our bedroom, we look at each other and just giggle out loud. B-Man says he pulled the ultimate intergalactic con of all times on the stupid American people, and here we are! Let me describe a little about what it's like to live here.

First, we can get anything to eat that we want at any time of day we want it. We have room service 24/7 paid for by the American taxpayers but it's even better than that because no matter what we think of, if they don't have it in the White House kitchen, some lackey has to go out and get it for us. It's just amazing. B-Man and I love to jerk the staff around by coming up with the most outlandish requests we can think of; those idiots in the kitchen never, ever say they don't have it...they just say, "We'll have it right up to you, Madam First Lady". And a few minutes later there's a knock at the door and presto, there's what we asked for. Let me give you an example: the other night I woke up about 2:00 a.m. to pee and got an idea. I woke up the B-Man and told him to watch what I did. I picked up the "magic phone" (that's what we call it...it's a telephone shaped like a leg of lamb and it's connected to some idiot in the kitchen who has to man it every hour of the day.), and told them I wanted two packages of dried cuttlefish and a bowl of poi. I'm sure they had to mobilize some people to race out and get the stuff, but there they were at the door in about 20 minutes with this fancy-schmancy cart with a table cloth on it and these two silver dishes with the cuttlefish and poi on them. Is that crazy, or what?? Next time I'm going to ask for eel sushi and candied pineapple. I swear they'll find it somewhere in this crazy city!

So anyway, we love being able to eat whatever we want, and so do the kids. One day we told them they could eat anything they wanted for one whole day. They were sick for a week after that but I'm sure there is a lesson in there somewhere for them!

Let's see....mmmm....oh yeah, no more housework! Not that I've been cleaning the house for the past several years what with the B-Man's being a Senator and my having that bogus job in the medical center. We had a maid and never lifted a finger so it's not that much different now.

Now for THE BEST part: Air Force One. B-Man loves the blue jacket they have for him with his name on it and "Air Force One" and whatever that insignia is. He had them make two and he keeps one in the closet here in the White House. Sometimes late at night when he's feeling extra frisky he strips naked, puts on the jacket, and then tells me I need to brace myself for a "rough landing". He's a hoot when he does that. I guess it's a turn-on to him because he's always a tiger after his "plane" lands. Whoo-hooooo!!!!

Listen, I'll continue this later. I have to go decide what we're going to have for supper....those kitchen serfs always needs a head's up --- they hate surprises!

Toodles
Michelle