So picture this: I crawl into that great Air Force One bed in my little nightie with visions of landing in the United States and getting to see my girls in just a few hours. The next thing I know, B-Man is shaking me and telling me I need to get up and get dressed because we've landed in IRAQ!!!!! I was right in the middle of this incredible dream where I was swimming in this huge pool filled with champagne and somebody was feeding me pieces of lobster on the end of this long pole so I didn't even need to use my hands to eat them...I'd just open my mouth and the lobster would fall in it. So when B-Man shakes me I'm not particularly happy he's ruined that great dream, and then I find out he lied to me and we're not in the United States at all. He told me we were in Baghdad and I didn't even know where that was until he said, "It's in Iraq, you fool." He never talks to me that way unless he's scared, which I've only seen him be a couple times...once when that dog from next door had him cornered in the back yard because he thought he was a robber.
So anyway I asked him what his problem was and he said he was scared to death somebody was going to blow his sorry rear end up with one of those bombs they hide by the side of the road. I'm tellin' you, he was PETRIFIED! I told him the Commander In Chief of all the armed forces should try to be just a little braver and he said I was right but he couldn't help it. You're not gonna' believe this next part...I looked closely at him and there was this big dark spot on the front of his pants. That's right...he'd peed himself he was so scared. So I told him he'd better put on some fresh britches after a quick shower unless he wanted to smell like that last place we visited in Turkey.
So here's what happened in Baghdad: B-Man went to talk to some troops and I stayed with the plane. They let me go out onto the runway where I was surrounded by all these hot guys in uniform who had REAL GUNS that were loaded and ready to shoot. That scared ME a little because B-Man and I hate guns and he told me he'd do everything in his power while he was President to make it illegal for Americans to own guns. Anyway, as soon as I got outside to get some fresh air I was practically covered with the nastiest flies I've ever seen. They landed in my hair and on my face and all over my body. I asked one of the soldiers what in the world they were and he said, "They're flies, ma'am. You get used to them when you live here." Well, I'm telling you I had no desire to get used to them so I scampered right back on the plane, but not before I took a deep breath of "fresh" air. Ha, that was a joke! The air in that country is so full of nasty smells I can't begin to describe it. If you took a bucket and put poop in it from about twenty different kinds of animals and then poured ditch water in it and put a lid on it and left it in the sun for about a week, and then stuck your head in it and took a breath, THAT'S what it smelled like. I practically ran back up that ladder into the plane and didn't come out again!
Later when B-Man got back I asked him what he'd done and he said he'd talked to some soldiers about how proud he was of them and what a great job they'd done but now it was time to give Iraq back to the Iraqski's or whatever they call themselves so we can put our troops in Afghanistan and catch that Bin Laden guy. I asked B-Man who he met and he didn't remember. He doesn't know anything about the military since he was never in it and has real problems with all the patches and badges and stuff they wear on their uniforms. He told me the only thing he knows about their ranks is that stars are the most important things so he pays attention to what people with stars say and pretty much ignores everyone else because they're not important enough to even talk to him. He says that when they talk to him he just says, "I'm proud of you and so are the American people". After he says that over and over to them they quit talking to him and go away. Heck, to me this whole President job is a snap.
So we take off from Baghdad and there are immediately these Air Force fighter airplanes flying right NEXT to us! It was really cool...I could see the pilots through those clear bubbles that cover where they sit, and they could see me! We made faces at each other and I was tempted to flash one of them just to give him something to tell his grandchildren about but there are cameras everywhere all the time and it would have not looked good on Fox News, would it? Hahahah....but I was really tempted. Since I couldn't do that I stuck my tongue out as far as it would go and swirled it around like I was licking the inside of an ice cream cone. That pilot made his wings go up and down when I did that and we both got a good laugh!
So now we're on the way back to the United States. I made B-Man cross his heart and hope to die when he told me that. I don't want any more tricks like that Baghdad one, I'm tellin' you! I'm tired of traveling and ready to be back in the United States!
All in all I guess it wasn't too bad a trip. I got to meet the queen and the leader of France and his wife (I can't remember their names) and drink gallons and gallons of champagne and stuff my face with all the free food and wear some neat clothes and listen to the cheers of all the people who love us over there. And the time really went quickly even though B-Man said it dragged on and on, but I think that was just because he was so afraid somebody would ask him a question he hadn't studied for and he'd look stupid like that idiot Press Secretary that works for him.
Well, I'm turning in as soon as I knock back the rest of this bottle of champagne. You know, it's starting to take almost a bottle of it to even give me a buzz. Do you think that's bad?
Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO
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