Ooooo, Lordie!

It’s been the week from HELL, I tell you, Diary. I know I haven’t written for a long time but I’ve been busier than an ACORN worker on the south side of town during the presidential election! What’s going on in my life, you ask? Well, I’m gonna’ tell you, honey.

First there’s this stupid dog we got. B-Man said we had to get a dog so that when something really bad happened somewhere in the world, or when Robert Gibbs shoved his foot in his mouth AGAIN, we could just have the dog appear somewhere where the photographers could see him and that would take all the stupid Americans’ minds off whatever it was that happened. There have been more pictures take of Bo (that’s what B-Man named him….I think it’s stupid but he liked the sound of “Bo Obama”, but he calls him “Bo-bama”. Dumb.) than of ME, and I don’t like that one bit. The other reason we had to get this dog is so when B-Man gets rid of one his famous gas bubbles he can blame it on Bo. I know the truth, of course, because I’ve lived with B-Man so long I know his habits and I know when a bubble is coming, depending on what he’s been eating. So anyway, I’ve been having to deal with Stupid…that’s what I call Bo….and it’s wearin’ me OUT!

Two days ago you won’t believe what happened. Remember when we were in Europe for that conference a while back where B-Man apologized for America and bowed to that Arab guy and everyone here got so excited? Well, if you’ll recall, I got to meet the queen..…remember? While we were visiting her I had to use the bathroom on account of all the rich food I’d pigged out on the night before….whoooo, I was about to explode! So anyway, while I was in the bathroom I stole one of the little hand towels and put it in my purse. Hey, why not? They probably have zillions of ‘em and I’ll bet everyone who visits takes one or two home. They have this neat little crest embroidered on them and under it are the words, “Property Of Buckingham Palace. If Found, Please Return To The Queen.” I wanted to take some other stuff but I didn’t think ahead to bring my really big “stealin’ purse”. So anyway, a couple days ago I was looking at that towel and left it on the floor of the bedroom by mistake, and BO TOOK A DUMP ON IT!!!! I came in the bedroom to touch up my makeup and there it was…a big, steamin’ pile of digested “Iams Indoor Formula”, right there on the towel. Bo was nowhere to be seen, of course, and my first thought was B-Man had put one of those fake rubber dog poops on the towel just to trick me….he loves those kinds of things. We’re always gettin’ packages from Spencer’s Gifts addressed to him and he won’t show me what’s in the boxes…it drives me CRAZY! So that’s what I thought at first…B-Man had played a little trick on me. But when I reached down to pick it up, my fingers just sank right into it!! It wasn’t rubber at all!!!! I’d just had my nails done and I was so disgusted I practically scrubbed them off with a brush and some soap and Lysol. If I could have gotten ahold of that stupid dog’s throat right then and there, I’d have squeezed it harder than the queen squeezed my booty.

So what was I supposed to do with that towel?? If I put it in the dirty clothes hamper, then the Royal Launderess or whatever that lady who washes all our clothes calls herself would know I’d stolen it what with the words on it and all, and she’d probably have told all the other servants we have and one of them would have sold the information to the press and then it would have gotten to the queen and probably caused an international incident, which B-Man certainly doesn’t need at THIS point of his practically blown presidency! So I did the only thing I could do…after shaking the poop into the toilet I put the towel in a plastic trash bag and threw it away. I was SO pissed at that dog…probably the only towel I’d ever have from Buckingham Palace (since we probably won’t ever be invited back) had to be thrown away like a used Kleenex. I don’t know if Stupid’s been fixed yet, but if he hasn’t I’m going to whine and pout until B-Man agrees we should have his cajones removed. That’s small payback for messing up my towel, but at least every time I see him from the rear after it’s done and see that empty space under his tail I’ll get some satisfaction….plus it probably hurts like hell and he deserves to be hurt. Back home where I’m from if a dog did something like that he'd end up in the Chicago River, but we have to act all civilized and righteous now, what with B-Man’s position and all.

So what else has been happening to keep me so busy? Oh, yeah….I was stuck here while B-Man went to some stupid meeting in Trinidad and shook hands with that Chavez guy and that caused a big stink. Chavez is the boss of one of those countries and has a lot of oil and likes the Russians so B-Man said he thought it would be a good idea if we were friends with all of them. Of course all the photographers took pictures and all the conservatives got excited and said that Chavez, who had called B-Man and “idiot” just a couple weeks ago, wasn’t really being a friend but guess what? B-Man told me that just before the picture was taken he’d gone to the bathroom and DIDN’T WASH HIS HANDS!! So the joke is on Chavez because B-Man shook hands with him and gave him germs!! If that ever gets out, Chavez will probably have his hand cut off or something since those people down there believe in all kinds of voodoo and stuff. Luckily I didn’t have to go to that conference but I’m always nervous when B-Man’s away and I don’t sleep well because I’m afraid some loony will grab him and hold him for ransom or something like those pirates did in Salami, or what ever the name of that country is. I know he’s got all that security and stuff but I’m still afraid something will happen like in those Boerne movies where people drop out of the sky. It could happen..it could.

Ooooohhhh, how could I almost forget??? That Jewish Seder thing that B-Man thought would be nice for us to have at Easter!! Oh….my…..gosh. He went to one when he was campaigning and thought it was just so neat and all so here we go again with another of his hair-brained ideas. I guess he thought that having one of those things in the White House would make Israel happy and get him back some support from them after he said he wanted to talk to Iran, but how in the world will we know if it worked or not?? All I know is it took FOREVER and I’ve never seen such a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. B-Man said it was all symbolic of the stuff the Jews believe in but I don’t have a clue. We sat around this table with all these weird foods in little bowls….parsley and salty water and some kind of relish stuff with apples in it and HORSERADISH!!!...can you believe that???....and those big huge burnt crackers with absolutely NO flavor in them. And that absolutely worst wine I’ve ever had…it was too sweet and didn’t have any kind of kick to it, not that we got to drink that much of it anyway. We read all this stuff out of little booklets and there were songs and then we broke those crackers apart and ate them and then we ate the parsley dipped in salt water and then read some more and then ate another cracker dipped in the horseradish and drank some wine and it just went on…..and on…..and on….and on……until I almost went crazy. I had to get up and go to the bathroom a couple of times just to stretch my legs and get away from it all, and every time I came back I was hoping it would be over, but noooooo….more crackers and wine and songs and reading stuff and oh my gosh. I guess the Jews did all that because they had a lot of time on their hands wandering around in the desert (or is it dessert? I can never remember how to spell that silly word!) but personally I have a pretty busy schedule and can’t afford four hours of whatever you call that. Finally it was over and I'm telling you one thing...if B-Man doesn't get impeached and we're still her next Easter and he decides we should have another Seder thing, I'm going to fake cramps and just stay in bed!!

So that’s about it…the dog and the conference and the Seder. I won’t even go into the Easter Egg Roll because I’m getting tired. But I do have a confession to make….when I first heard about it I thought it was the Easter Eggroll….like that Chinese food!! I thought we were going to go and eat eggrolls for Easter!! Isn’t that a scream?? I couldn’t figure out how that tradition ever got started since the Chinese have a different New Years than us and probably don’t even believe in Easter. But it turned out to be an egg roll. All I’m going to say about that is it was a pain in the butt and I’m so sick of eating boiled eggs and deviled eggs and egg salad from all the leftover eggs that I finally had to tell the kitchen pukes not to even let me SEE another egg until the 4th of July!

Gotta’ go.
Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXO