So Much Happ'nin'!!

Whoo-eee! Sorry I haven't written in you for so long, Diary, but I've been busier than Blogg-o tryin' to keep his hair neat in a Chicago windstorm. And you know how tough that one is!!

Let's see...what is going on in my world. Well, let me just list 'em and then I can keep them straight and talk about them. Of course most of them have to do with B-Man and all the stuff on his plate since I don't have much to do besides worry about him, but we ARE a couple (the "historic" couple, remember?) so his problem are my problems...even though neither of us know much about what to do to make them go away. Tee-hee. So here's the list: (1) The Gitmo detainees, (2) The economy, (3) Afghanistan, (4) Iraq, (5) The stink about that photograph of Air Force One and how it scared all those New Yorkers, and then the lesser things like what so much champagne is doing to my stomach, the perpetual problem of Nancy Pelosi and what to do with her, Stupid The Dog, and how much B-Man smokes. Gosh...that's a lot to talk about and here it is only 9:00 a.m. and I usually take a nap around 10:00 or so after some mimosas and caviar. I'll do my best, but no promises!

The Gitmo detainees. Man, that was one serious mistake B-Man made signing that paper right AFTER he got into office sayin' he'd close Gitmo in a year. What a stupid thing to do without any kind of plan at all! B-Man told me that Rahm made him do it to make all the people who voted for him happy, especially the ones that hate war. So he did it, but then he lost all the points he gained with them when he said he would be sending more troops to Afghanistan, but I'll talk about that later. So anyway, here he goes and signs that paper and NOW he has to figure out what to do with those bad men who are locked up in Cuba. Nobody in the United States wants them, and B-Man has begged and begged people in Europe to take them, but nobody wants them because they are such nasty guys. Here's what I think they should do with them: give them all jobs as prison guards!! They could work inside the prisons and make the prisoners behave. They have lots of experience being prisoners, they're mean just like guards need to be, and maybe the prisoners would stick home-made knives into them and then the problem would go away! I thought of that all by myself. I told B-Man about it and he just looked at me and lit a cigarette and then he blew the smoke right into my face and told me that's what he thought of my idea. Honestly, I try to help him and that's the way he treats me.

O.k....next. The economy. Here's the truth...B-Man doesn't have a clue what to do. And he doesn't really care, either. We get our "three hots and a cot" every day and that's all that matters to him. Actually I get about "six hots", plus champagne and snacks all the time. But the bottom line is he doesn't care and neither do I. If it works out, it works out...if not, more people lose their jobs but not us. Isn't it funny...B-Man and I can fly around in Air Force One and talk to people who've just been fired and tell them to keep their chin up because things will get better because B-Man will fix it. Hahhaahah....he's CLUELESS!!

Next, Iraq. Clueless again.

Next: the Air Force One photo. Look, if B-Man wants a picture taken, he gets a picture taken. As for those wussie New Yorkers who got so scared, I say get over it. That whole Twin Towers thing was not a good thing but it wasn't all that bad. Heck, more people get killed in downtown D.C. in a year than died in that attack and we'll build more buildings and things will move on. Besides, the guys who did it really believed they were doing the right thing so we should cut them some slack...that's what B-Man says anyway.

I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to type because I've been knocking back the champagne and I'm startin' to get a nice buzz, but I'll try to keep going. Oh yeah...the champagne and my stomach. Well, it's startin' to mess my stomach up, that's all I can say. B-Man says I drink waaaaay too much of it, but this whole White House gig is like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet for FREE!! I can't stop eating and drinking because we don't have to pay for it!! I counted the other day and I drank ten bottles of the stuff....I couldn't believe it! I drink it like other people drink water but I just can't stop. And it really messes up my bowels. The Secret Service men who follow me around have this sign they slap on the restroom doors after I've been in them: "Closed For Cleaning". Then they come back in a couple hours and take the sign off. Kind of embarrassing but I can't quit so that's just the way it is.

Nancy Pelosi: B-Man is at the end of his rope with her, which is where he says he'd like to see her hanging. She's hopeless....really. I've had to talk to her every now and then when I couldn't get out of it and she just rattles on and on about things and I can't even follow what she's saying, and the way she talks is like a cheap movie...her lips move but they don't match the words that come out. It's really strange. The last time I talked to her we were sitting on a couch at a party and right in the middle of a sentence she jumped up, just like she did like a thousand times during B-Man's State of The Union speech and shouted out, "I LOVE SWEET POTATOES!!"...just like that, and then she sat back down and just kept on talking. Honestly, I jumped a foot off the ground she startled me so much. When she finally shut up I asked her why she'd shouted that about sweet potatoes and she said, "Shouted what?" She is nuts....really nuts. And those folks in California just keep electing her, which says a lot about that State, huh?

I can't type any more. My head is going around and around and I need to poop. I'm done...maybe I'll write some more later but I don't know. I never know.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO