Idiots....all of them idiots!!

I'm lying here in bed eating fresh strawberries and drinking champagne and not believing what I'm hearing. I TOLD B-Man that flying that backup Air Force One airplane really low over New York with those fighter plane close to it just so he could have a picture for his iPhone was a bad idea. I TOLD HIM but he wouldn't listen. I said, "B-Man, you may have completely forgotten about those nut-cases who flew airplanes into the World Trade Center but I'll bet the people living in New York haven't, and they're gonna' be scared to death." He just waved his hand at me and told me to go take the dog outside for a walk. Look, I'm not the president of the United States like B-Man is...and he won't let me ever forget it...but I knew it was stupid. And sure enough, I was right.

There came that airplane flying really, really low with those little fighters buzzing around it like bugs and people started screaming and yelling and running outside from their office buildings and going completely nut-so. And then...THEN...Mayor Bloomstein or Bloomski or whatever his name is gets in front of the press and you can tell he's REALLY pissed because he didn't know anything about it. And then that idiot Gibbs had to pretend he didn't know anything about it when the press asked him questions during his daily press conference with them. Truth is, he doesn't know much of anything about much of anything so he hardly had to even lie. Did you hear that fool said his job as press secretary is the "funnest job" he's ever had?? Even I know that "funnest" isn't even a word, and if people think he's having fun in that job then maybe they'll want his pay to be cut or something. Geezzzz......he has less brains than he has hair, and he doesn't have much hair. I told B-Man a long time ago to get rid of that guy but for some reason he won't.

Oh...then....I don't know what to say about the fools that run B-Man's teleprompter. How difficult could that be?? So one of them screws up during one of B-Man's historic speeches and gets the pages screwed up and B-Man has to actually tell him to "move it on up"...the page I mean. He pretended it was funny and people in the audience actually laughed but he was STEAMIN' PISSED about it. He keeps hiring his relatives to run that thing so they can have some money but honestly, his people are dumber than stumps. So he paid the price and got embarrassed and all bent out of joint because his cousin Mojuumba or somebody couldn't figure out when to push a button. I'm shakin' my head...again.

Let's see....what else to talk about. Oh....I showed B-Man how I did that math problem yesterday and he said he was very proud of me for figuring it out. He went over it and over it and finally said he couldn't have done it. He said there were too many steps and it confused him. Can you believe that?? He's the guy who is supposed to solve the financial crisis and be in charge of General Motors and all that and he can't even do multiplication and then that dividing stuff?? Lord save us all!! But I'll tell you something...he's one heck of a community organizer and a great campaigner!

Stupid The Dog hasn't gotten any better. He's dumber than the teleprompter people and I'm not sure he's ever going to get housebroken. We've put one of our slaves on him 24/7 or he just leaves piles of poo all over the White House. Yesterday one of the special visitors from some country I've never even heard of (that doesn't narrow it down, I know, because there are a whole BUNCH of countries I've never heard of!!) stepped right into a fresh pile of poo and went nuts. Evidently where they live if you step in animal poo you're cursed for the rest of your life, so this guy stepped in it and then started screaming and crying and made a terrible scene. Luckily we had some visitors from the Washington D.C. Zoo who were showing a bunch of kids some animals and they had one of those guns that shoots darts with medicine in it, so they shot the guy with a dart and he settled down. I don't know what happened to him after that but I'm tellin' you, the dog was in trouble..again.

I'm so sick of hearing about the Swine Flu I could scream. B-Man is tired of it, too, but he has to pretend he cares and make speeches about it and tell everyone he has it under control, when really he hardly has his own bladder under control. This whole place is out of control. Stuff goes on all the time and B-Man is the last to hear about it because Rahm doesn't tell him, but like I've said before, B-Man is scared to death of Rahm so nothing happens. I want to go back to Chicago.

I'm tired now and getting kinda woozy from all the champagne. I know it's still early but I think I'll take a nap and try to dream I'm back in the Windy City at my old job in the hospital. Those were some good times, huh?

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Now It's The Swine Flu!!!

We just want one day...ONE DAY...when absolutely nothing happens but I just don't think that'll ever be. Now it's that stupid flu that some stupid people got from the stupid Mexicans and took back with them to stupid New York and gave to other stupid people and now it's spread to New Zealand and Kansas. It's soooo stupid! But people are too stupid to wash their hands and not let anyone cough on them so as far as I'm concerned they deserve to get sick.

B-Man actually came in contact with someone who had that flu when he went to that conference where he kissed up to Chavez and had to listen to that other guy rant and rave about how bad America was and then B-Man didn't even say anything about it. He came in contact with someone who DIED from that flu just a couple days ago. So you can imagine how scared B-Man is....he's petrified, and every time he coughs or sneezes he calls the White House doctor up to give him a complete physical. We just keep one of those boxes of rubber gloves in the bedroom so the doctor doesn't even have to bring them with him any more. And every time I see B-Man he has a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. If he asks me, "Do I feel hot to you?" one more time I think I'm going to scream. And then....THEN....he said the most idiotic thing I've ever heard: he looked me right in the eye and said, "If I get the Swine Flu it'll be historic...I'll be the first black president of the Unite States to ever get it." I got so mad at him for that I just stomped out of the room and slammed the door behind me.

He's making me wear one of those surgical masks when I'm not in public and I have to wash my hands with that waterless hand cleaner once each hour, even if I haven't touched anything or even been out of the bedroom. B-Man says if I get it then he'll probably get it and if he dies then Joe Biden will be president and he can't even stand the thought of that. Oh...guess what...he even makes Stupid The Dog wear a mask. That dog really, really hates that because the little elastic strap gets tangled in his hair and pulls and makes him go nuts, but B-Man says no dog of his will get a disease named after a pig...it would be humiliating for both of them!

B-Man is still working on his stupid "100 Days" speech. He stands in front of the mirror and practices all his expressions and his hand movements and when he starts with that I just leave the room because I can't stand to watch him. People think he's so natural when he talks but really when he doesn't practice or have the teleprompter he can hardly complete a sentence! He stutters and says..ahhhhhh....and gets all confused and it's really painful to watch. He has a whole bunch of phrases he's memorized and he just sort of plugs them in the right spots when he is asked a question that isn't on the teleprompter. Sometimes he totally blows it...like at that Saint Patrick's Day party with that king from Ireland, or whoever he was, when B-man read the king's speech by mistake. I just shake my head....

While we're on that subject, I wonder what happens after the first 100 days; is there a "first 200 days" and then a "first 300 days" and on and on? I mean where does it stop? Let's see, if he makes it through the whole four years without getting kicked out, that would be 365 times 4 is.....mmmmmmm......mmmmmm....4 times 5 is 20, write down the zero and carry the 2, 4 times 6 is 24 plus the 2 that was carried so that's 26 so I write down the 6 and carry the 2 again, then 4 times 3 is 12 plus the 2 that I carried, so that's 1460 days. So if I divide 1460 by 100, that's 14 with 60 left over, so B-Man would have to give 14 of those stupid speeches and then there would be 60 days where he wouldn't have to make one but he could cover those days in his farewell speech. Whew..that was some HARD math, but I got the answer and that's what's important. B-Man says that no matter how hard you have to work, when you get the answer then it's worth it. Well...that's for other people because we don't really have to work and we've never really had to work. We just get somebody who's really smart to do the work for us, like doing those numbers. But it's good advice for other people, huh? When B-Man gets home I'm going to show him in my Diary how I did those numbers and he'll be really proud of me. He told me once he didn't marry me for my brain, even though I went to law school. Heck, with all that Affirmative Action stuff I hardly had to study at all and I still got really good grades. If you want to know the truth, I don't know a single thing about the law except you're supposed to come to a complete stop at stop signs...not even roll a little, and if you get a speeding ticket and don't pay it the police will issue a warrant for your arrest and you'll be in seriously big trouble. That's it...that's all I know about the law....it would fit on the head of a pin. But it doesn't matter because I'll never have to work again what with B-Man's presidency thing and retirement pay for life and all. And even after he's not president any more, even if he leaves in shame (which will most likely happen), I can still give speeches and make a lot of money doing that.

Oh...one more thing: that Janet Neopolitan woman or whatever her name is...the lady B-Man nominated for leader of Homeland Security. Man...where did he come up with HER?? If she isn't a dike, she missed her calling. She's scary to watch on television, and that memo she wrote about war veterans becoming terrorists is the wackiest thing I've ever heard of! B-Man says she made a whole lot of people mad with that one but he doesn't really care because all those people didn't vote for him anyway since he's all about taking away everyone's guns and cutting defense spending and just generally raping the military. So he'll probably let her stay in her job but a lot of people are telling her she should resign. She'll never resign, though because I'll bet she gets to meet a lot of other gay women and why would she throw that away???

Well, enough. My fingers are tired and I have to go wash my hands again and log it in on that little sheet that B-Man makes me write on. I think it's stupid but I'll do what he says so he won't pout, which he's VERY good at doing when he doesn't get his way. I swear, if he had lost the election I'll bet he'd STILL be in his room with the door locked, even after almost 100 days! Hahahaha.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Sorr-eeeeeee....

....I haven't written in you for a few days, Diary. I got ahold of some bad lobster the other night and I've been huggin' the commode and hopin' to die! Lordie, LORDIE!! There's a price to pay for all this high livin', that's for sure. When I lived in the hood I never got bad lobster!

Well, I'm better now anyway. I made all those servants bring me lots of ginger ale and other stuff to settle my stomach and now I'm ready to make up for lost time. I'm kinda' off lobster for the next couple days but there's always tenderloin and stuff that I deserve so I'll just switch to that I guess.

B-Man is workin' his skinny little rear end off on his "100 Days" speech. He says it feels more like 1,000 days he's been in this terrible job, but it's really only been 100. Heck, for me I think it's great, but then I don't have to go through all the torture he does...I just eat and drink and sleep and give a few speeches. Anyway, he's writing the whole speech himself so he can be "historic" (there's that word again..I hate it!!!): the first African American President to write his own 100-days speech. Yawn....I don't have a clue what'll be in it and really I don't care. I'll get an advanced copy from the teleprompter guys who type it in so B-Man doesn't make any mistakes but I doubt if I'll even read it even then. Television will be totally shot on Wednesday when he gives the speech...no matter what channel you turn to, there he'll be, smilin' and actin' serious and shuckin' and jivin', and lovin' the applause and cheers. From what I'm picking up around this place, B-Man's first 100 days have been a complete disaster and everyone is runnin' scared. Oh...forgot to mention, I don't know where he's going to be for this speech but it'll probably be in the Oval Office. All I know is I hated it when he addressed Congress and that idiot Pelosi, who sat right behind him, kept poppin' up and clappin' like a drunk monkey every time he said the slightest thing. By the time it was over I was surprised she didn't have her nose shoved right up his behind. Lordie, I cannot stand to even look at that white girl.

Oh...the dog. The press picked up that I said Stupid (aka Bo) is crazy. They made a joke about it but you know I really think he is. They said something about his chewing on people's feet...what they didn't know was about the dump on the towel and the pee on the picture incidents. If they knew how much I'd like that idiot dog to just wander off and never come back I'd have the SPCA and PETA and a bunch of other animal-lovin' freaks picketing the White House. But there's fat chance he'll ever do that because there's so much security around him every time he goes out; I guess they're afraid the Somali pirates will snatch him or something and hold him for ransom! One thing I do get a kick out of it watching those snooty Secret Service guys have to pick up Stupid's poo every time he drops a load. See, we can't have dog poo on the White House lawn or it would look bad for the nation. B-Man can kiss Hugo Chavez's rear end and bow to the Saudi king (and it WAS a bow...any fool could see that but I guess Bob Gibbs thinks he can just say it wasn't a bow and people will believe it) but no dog poo on the White House lawn! What's wrong with THAT picture?? Hahahaha. We sure live in some crazy times!

Speaking of crazy, won't that Somali pirate thing ever be put to rest? Evidently some email messages from some Navy guys got made public about how B-Man didn't react very fast and the Navy finally just had to over-ride him and shoot those sorry bastards. Well, it really is true...I told you before B-Man didn't have a clue what to do and wanted the FBI to keep negotiating with the pirates but the Navy captain on the ship gave the go-ahead when they pointed an AK47 at that guy's head, and those SEAL snipers blew them all away. Of course, B-Man had to act like it was his plan all along but in reality he was clueless....aaaaas usual! Well, it all turned out just fine and that's all that matters, right?

I have to go now, Diary, and get ready for whatever religious service B-Man has picked for us today. Honestly, one day he's Muslim and then one day he's Jewish and then one day he's Christian (even though we're not a Christian nation..remember?) and I just don't know what we'll be today. You want to know the truth? B-Man doesn't believe in God at all...or Allah...or any of those other people. He says we're our own gods and have to act like a god if we want to get ahead. I don't have a clue what he means by that but he was talking the other night about getting a tattoo on his foot that would say, "I Am God". I'm afraid he's losin' it...

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXO

Will It NEVER Stop???

B-Man says there's just no way this job is worth the money...no way. It's startin' to drive him completely crazy. He smokes like a chimney whenever there isn't a camera on him and he's put burn holes in all the carpets in the White House, especially in the Oval Office. When he stubs out a cigarette he doesn't use the ashtray...he just throws it down and crushes it with his foot. He says the taxpayers can buy him a new carpet when his is totally trashed because they owe that to him for what the job is doing to his head.

Here's the latest thing that makes him nuts: that torture thing that everyone is talking about. He says he just wishes it would go away like the pirate thing did. If he could call in the Navy SEALS and have them shoot somebody and solve it, I'm sure he would! He did the next best thing...put it on Eric Holder to decide. Honestly, B-Man is simply NOT good at making decisions! That pirate thing took him forever to figure out and when he finally told the Navy to kill the bad guys it was four days into the situation. He took some heat for that, and some tacky person somewhere started the rumor that the reason he waited so long was to make sure none of the pirates were related to him. Isn't that a childish thing to say?? Anyway, this torture thing is just a mess. He was ready to drop it but a bunch of his loony left-wing Bush-hatin' friends told him he had to take down anybody in the Bush administration that he could and teach them a lesson. I'm not sure what lesson it would teach them, but there's a whole lot of stuff I don't understand about what happens here in Washington. In fact, B-Man says it's the most confusing place he's ever lived and if it wasn't for his secretary and Rahm and other people who lead him around, he'd just go sit in a corner somewhere until it was time to eat the next meal. And he is serious, too!

Another thing I have to tell you, Diary....he's started drinking vodka in the middle of the day! I caught him in the bedroom yesterday sitting on the side of the bed in one of his $2,000 suits the taxpayers bought him, staring off into space with this glass of what looked like water, talking to himself. He was saying, "What have I got myself into?...what have I got myself into?"...over and over and over and he'd take a drink of the "water" every now and then. He didn't see me watching me but when he finally did I went over to him and he buried his head in my lap and said, "Michelle, I'm so scared...I'm so scared...", and he started crying. That's when I smelled the alcohol on his breath, even through that nasty cigarette smell. I'm tellin' you, Diary, he's about to crack. I don't know who is running this country but it sure isn't HIM! And he thought he wanted this job so bad and now he's stuck with it for the next almost four years. I'm beginning to hope he does something so outrageous that he'll get impeached and then we can leave. But heck, I don't know what that would be after Bill Clinton and that stunt with that intern and even THAT wasn't enough to get him out. Maybe B-Man would have to shoot somebody or something. I'm soooo tempted to send that copy I have of his birth certificate to the press...the one that shows he was born in Africa. That would probably get us back to Chicago but if he found out it was me, he'd kill me and then my girls wouldn't have a mommy. No...I guess we're pretty much stuck here.

And then there's Hillary. What an embarrassment to America. I swear, I saw her on television on a news conference the other day and her face looked like she was in one of those machines they put test pilots in where it goes around and around faster and faster and pretty soon their face is all pulled down and scary looking. I'm not sure she's getting any sleep at all because she looks worse than Barbara Bush and Barbara has about 30 years on her!! I'm not sure what's up with her since I avoid her every time I can. What I'm really afraid of is that Bill will be with her and he'll hit on me again like he did during the campaign. It was really uncomfortable then and I'm not sure how I'd handle it now, except to turn him down, of course. I swear, he's such a horn-dog I don't know how Hillary puts up with him. I heard Dennis Miller say that Hillary has been cheated on more often than a blind woman playing Scrabble with the gypsies. Isn't that funny???!!!! Oh, speaking of people on television, I got a glimpse of that Henry Waxman talking about something and that guy gets worse looking every DAY!! Rush calls him "Nostrildamus" and I can see why....I'll bet you could put a golf ball up his nose and he's never even notice. Hahahhaa.....I'm killin' myself today.

Well, let's see....my schedule is pretty light today. I'm going to a wine tasting and then I'm going to read some books to little kids and then it'll be time for my lunch and afternoon nap and then I'll have my nails and hair done with taxpayer money and then it'll be supper time and then some toddies and then off to bed. Just another day in paradise. I can't wait to get out of here, and don't even get me started on that evil dog of ours. I hate that creature.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Sigh

My, my, MY. B-Man and I have decided he’s in charge of a nation with almost no sense at all, and of course, he’s not helpin’ much with that since I truly believe he’s losin’ his marbles, but really….all this stink about some beauty queen saying she thinks marriage should be between a man and a woman?? Even B-Man, who believes some really really really really REALLY strange things believes that’s right. But all those old gay and lesbian weirdo’s just won’t let it go. Heck, that stupid beauty queen judge asked that girl her OPINION and then when she gave it he ragged on her on his blog . If you ask somebody their opinion, then you get what you get! My momma used to say, “Don’t ask the question if you can’t live with the answer”, and I think that Spanish guy just couldn’t live with the answer. By the way, is he a fruitcake? Just asking.

Speaking of fruitcakes, B-Man has gotten yet another fruitcake idea in his rapidly-graying head: he thinks we should learn to speak Russian AND Spanish so we can talk to the leaders of other countries! Isn’t that the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard?? He wanted to learn whatever language those people speak in Iran but he talked to somebody who knows about it and they said we couldn’t learn that language because our throats just aren’t made right for it. Have you ever heard them talk over there?? Mercy, it’s the strangest thing you’ll ever hear…they click and slurp and rattle their tongues around in their mouths like cows eating hay but somehow they get their ideas across to each other. At least I guess they do since I can’t understand a word they’re saying. And their alphabet looks like a bunch of sticks and stuff….like drawings from a kindergarten class. No wonder they live in mud huts and eat camel poo and have those towels on their heads and long robes even in that incredible HEAT!

So anyway, these two boxes from UPS show up in our bedroom and B-Man tells me to open them and they have “Rosetta Stone - Spanish” and” Rosetta Stone - Russian” inside them. Then he makes me load them on my laptop and give them a whirl. Honestly, I don’t have the time to learn one language, much less two. He says we can’t let our brains stagnate just because we’re livin’ in the White House and eating free food and all. I asked him if he didn’t use his brain enough in his job to keep it active and he said he doesn’t use his brain at ALL in his job…..he lets Pelosi and Reid and Rahm run things so he pretty much doesn’t have to think. He said he tried getting a handle on everything when he first got in office but it was waaaaaay beyond him and gave him terrific headaches, so he quit fighting and just rolled with it. He says he’s really looking forward to campaigning for his re-election in 2012 since he’s so good at it. He asked Rahm if he thought beginning his campaign this summer would be too soon, and Rahm said it would be a little too soon. B-Man was just crushed with that answer but he trusts Rahm and does everything he says, but B-Man told me he’s starting to write his campaign speeches and isn’t telling Rahm about it.

B-Man sits in the Oval Office every day and people come in and talk to him but they don’t know he’s just sitting there writing his speeches…they think he’s taking notes! Then when the people leave, B-Man gets Rahm’s opinion and that’s what he does, so he doesn’t even have to listen to the people while they’re talking! And that’s pretty much what he does with his day…sits there and listens and then gets Rahm’s opinion and then does that. Oh….he signs stuff, too. He told me he doesn’t have a clue what he’s signing but if it’s in his in-box and needs a signature, he signs it. One time Rahm tricked him and put a document in there that said B-Man authorized Joe Biden to be President and he’d be the Vice President, and B-Man went right ahead and signed it. They had a good laugh over that one and Joe wanted to keep the document as a souvenir but Rahm said no and shredded it in that shredding machine he has that he seems to put a whole lot of stuff in. Honestly, he empties that little plastic hamper under it a couple times a day. Once I asked him what was in it and he said, “Our past…we can’t afford for anyone to know the details!” Then he laughed that really scary laugh he uses when he acts like that other person he has inside him. B-Man is so scared of Rahm, probably because of that other person. I’m not afraid of him, though. He got pushy with me once and I got right in his face and told him he did NOT want to mess with me because I’d smack him down so hard he’d hear Reverend Wright’s voice in his head forever. He got this really strange look on his face and began to whimper like a little puppy. I had to give him some hot tea to calm him down, but he stays away from me pretty much now.

Oh, Lordie…I just looked at my schedule for today and it looks like I’m meeting some animal lover’s group at one o’clock. Since we’ve gotten Stupid The Dog, I’ve been growing less and less fond of animals. I don’t know what I’ll say to these people, but maybe I’ll just talk about how much I love to eat beef and they’ll cut the meeting short and go away. I’ve found out if I get tired of seeing people I can just drop some word-bomb and they scoot out of the room as fast as possible. Like when I asked that big-wig Catholic guy what they did with the pop-beads they carried around all the time. He started coughing and said he had to go take his medicine. Go figure.

Well, I’m getting tired and have to go do another Rosetta Stone lesson.

Hasta La Vista
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Those B-Man Pecs!!!

Well, FINALLY something that makes B-Man happy!! He's been in such a nasty mood lately I hardly like to be around him. But here we go with some good news: his "pec picture" is going to be on the May cover of "Washingtonian"!! He's so proud of that picture and the good job the artists did with Photoshop to make his pecs look so cut. I shouldn't tell you this, Diary, and if it gets out I do believe he'll divorce me, but his pecs don't look ANYTHING like that. In fact, he pretty much doesn't even HAVE any pecs.

He does bench presses and push-ups and all kinds of evil exercises but it doesn't seem to help. He asked the White House doctor what was wrong with him and the doctor told him his problem is low testosterone levels that keep his muscles from getting bigger. So no matter how much he works out and sweats and stuff it won't help. I guess that's why he only has to shave his face about once a week. Honestly I think that's why he's afraid of Rahm...because Rahm has this heavy beard and likes to flaunt how much he needs a shave to B-Man!

But anyway, there he is on the cover of that magazine!! He can't wait until he can walk down the street (not that he can do much of that any more) and see his face on all the covers on all the magazine stands! He simply cannot get enough of himself and there is no such thing as over-exposure with him. Oh...I forgot to mention...we have not one, not two, but THREE display cases in our bedroom now filled with all kinds of stuff with his picture on it: coffee cups, drinking glasses, plates, key chains, ash trays, water bottles, koozies, t-shirts, bobble-heads, hats, the list just goes on and on. Every time he sees another one he has to buy it and put it on display. I'm afraid we're going to run out of room because I'm sure before we get kicked out of here there will be a bunch more display cases in the room. I think I'm going to suggest we hang the little things from fishing line from the ceiling, like stars, so they won't take up any floor space. That would be kinda' cool, don't you think?

One thing I don't like about that magazine thing, though. One of the articles is called, "Our Neighbor Is Hot", meaning the B-Man since Washington thinks of him as a neighbor...which I think is kind of presumptuous. We are NOT neighbors of these thugs and criminals that live in this city: we're royalty, we're special, we're the President and First Lady. The nerve of them to think we're their neighbors. Heck, if we could live someplace nicer, like San Diego or France or something and still do the job, we'd do that. Let's face it, Washington is worse than Chicago. People get killed and mugged and smacked down here faster than Pelosi heads to California on the weekends. No way we'd stay here if we didn't have to! "Neighbors", my rosy rear end!! But back to that "hot" comment. I don't appreciate people lookin' at my man and thinking he's hot. I have a hard enough time keepin' his eyes on ME without that magazine puttin' thoughts in his head that he's hot. I'm not gonna' act like Hillary did with Bill if B-Man starts messin' around on me, believe me. I'll make such a fuss that he'll never be able to look me in the eye again. So America needs to get rid of that "our President is hot" idea....for good!!

Oh, did I ever hear a scandal and if this one gets out who knows what will happen! It seems that Barney Frank threw this big party and invited Pelosi and Harry Reid and some other people from Congress and it turned into some kind of orgy. From what I'm told, Barney actually put a little pony saddle on Harry and rode him around and around the room, slapping his rear end with a rolled up newspaper and shouting, "On Harry, on Harry...FASTER, FASTER!!!" When I heard that I thought I'd die laughing. Only I guess it wasn't so funny because Harry isn't exactly a young man and he got some chest pains and they had to quit the game. Plus his sides were all cut up from Barney's spurs. Pelosi started doing Jello shots and ended up swinging from this chandelier and barking like a dog. I really do believe she's nuts in the head and when I heard that it just confirmed what I thought. Then they had this keraoke contest and as it turns out, Pelosi couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. Evidently she doesn't sing...she howls...and it hurt people's ears and some really good wine glasses actually exploded when she hit some of the high notes. When she sang, "Stairway To Heaven" she pretty much cleared the room and it sort of broke up the party. Barney was the host of the party but he didn't even see his guests to the door because he'd gone off somewhere to do nasty stuff with one of the caterers who was a real cowboy, evidently. That man is so disgusting I don't even like to be in the same room. Harry spent the night on the couch popping nitro pills, and I guess he was luck to make it until morning. You won't read any of this stuff in the newspapers because they keep it all hush-hush, but I heard there were some photos taken on cell-phones that should get some people some sweet rewards for keeping them out of the tabloids. Washington...what a city!!

Well, I guess I'd better go now. Busy day ahead what with a big lunch and then my nap and then supper! Whoo-eee...I do love this White House gig!!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

B-Man's Upset AGAIN!!!

I'm tellin' you, Diary, B-Man is about to lose it. Every day it's something else and he's just not built to take criticism. When we were in Chicago everyone loved him and he was always told what a great guy he was, but now it's gotten to the point that he just hates to see Bob Gibbs because he knows it's gonna' be bad news of some sort. The press beats him up...after all the money B-Man gave those newspapers and television stations during the campaign to not print anything about Bill Ayers or Reverend Wright or any of the other thugs B-Man hung with, and they're STILL mean to him!!! It just isn't fair...it's not.

The latest thing is this "Obama Toilet Paper" thing. It was sooo funny when Bush's face was on it and I have to tell you a secret....B-Man actually used some of it one time and laughed for a week over it. He kept saying, "Boy, I sure fixed that Dubbya, didn't I?" He'd just chuckle and giggle and I finally had to tell him to let it go, that it wasn't really all that funny. Well he sure doesn't think it's so funny NOW!

Somewhere he saw a picture of his face on the paper and had to go hide and smoke about a zillion cigarettes before he settled down. He's got high blood pressure, you know....well, you probably don't know because his medical records stay hidden along with his birth certificate and all. Heck, if America found out all the stuff he's hiding, a moving van would pull up to the White House tomorrow and we'd be hustled back to Chicago and "Joe The Idiot" would be the new president of the United States of America, U.S.A. So that's why he has to hide everything.

Well, anyway, he DOES have high blood pressure which is just one of the reasons I want him to quit smoking but he just won't. I'm afraid he'll have the big one sometime in the next 3+ years, which would probably make Rush Limbaugh and all those other conservative freaks just as happy as clams. And it won't take many more things like the toilet paper to push him over the top.

Well, do you want to know the latest thing that Bo The Dog (aka "Stupid") did? Do you really want to know? I hate to even tell you this one because B-Man doesn't know about it and if he finds out there'll be hell to pay. You know that picture they put in the newspaper of B-Man in the ocean in Hawaii and made all those comments about his pecs? He loved it so much he had an 8 x 10 of it printed and autographed it to himself and put it on the nightstand right next to his pillow. He told me he loves it that the very first thing he does in the morning is just roll over and see that picture of himself. So what does Stupid do sometime during the day? Well, he gets up on the bed, takes the picture in his mouth (I'm assuming that because there are teeth marks all over the frame), breaks the glass, and pees on it!!! The pee soaked right through the broken glass and ruined the picture!! I was disgusted when I saw B-Man's beautiful pecs all soaked with dog pee!

I had another one printed really quick and tried to copy B-Man's signature and all the stuff he wrote on it about how he loves himself and all, and I just hope it passes inspection. I'm sure B-Man won't ever think that it's a fake, but if he finds out it's gonna' be a hard one to explain. I'll probably tell him that one of our slaves...oops, I mean servants....must have taken the real one as a souvenir and put the fake one in it's place, hoping he wouldn't notice. That might actually make him feel good because he has to be constantly told how special he is and how everyone loves him and how he's so "historic" (if I hear that word one more time I'm gonna' scream!!). But hopefully he won't even notice since he doesn't notice much of anything these days. But here's the bottom line: Stupid has now pooped on the towel I stole from Buckingham Palace and peed on B-Man's picture. The only thing left for him to do is puke on something and he'll have covered all his fluids....well, not all of them but after he's fixed that'll take care of the last one. I'm beginning to think he was trained by the Republicans to sabotage our stuff and try to make us lose our minds. If so, he's doing a pretty good job. I've told our servants to keep Stupid out of our bedroom but they're dumber than ACORN volunteers and can't seem to remember to close the door. Besides, the turnover in our servants is incredible....they work a couple days, see how crazy and unreasonable B-Man is, and quit. So there are new ones constantly coming in and I guess they just don't get the word about the dog and the bedroom. Oh well.....

Let's see what else is happening. Hmmmm....well, that handshake with Chavez is still in the newspapers and even a bunch of Democrats are starting to wonder if B-Man isn't a little un-glued. I mean, this Chavez guy is one bad dude...he's killed all kinds of people and there's even word out that he's a child molester, but B-Man still thinks it's important that he pretends to be friends with him. There's talk about how B-Man is hurting America by acting like he's everybody's friend, even the nut-cases that run some of the other countries, but B-Man does want everyone to like him and he'll sell out America to be liked...he even told me that. Plus he doesn't really believe Iran is such a bad country or North Korea is such a bad country, or even Russia. He says it's all just a bunch of stuff to scare us. He even told me, in confidence, he thinks George Bush had the Twin Towers blown up so he could start a war with Iraq and take all their oil. But he hasn't taken all their oil so that doesn't make sense, does it? Well, a lot of what B-Man says these days doesn't make much sense...I told you the pressure is really getting to him. He's pretty much told Pelosi (who he just hates) and Rahm (who scares him) and Barney (who gives him the creeps because he's a homo and all) and Harry (who smells like an old wool sweater) to just run the country and do whatever they want. All HE wants to do is travel and keep campaigning for the rest of his first and final term.

Well, that's enough for today, Diary. I have to go eat lunch now...lobster and lots of champaign!! Then it's nap time and shower time and then it's supper time and the day's over! I just love living here in the White House..it's the easiest job I've ever had, and I don't have to lift a finger!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO