Nice Trick, B-Man...Nice Trick!

So picture this: I crawl into that great Air Force One bed in my little nightie with visions of landing in the United States and getting to see my girls in just a few hours. The next thing I know, B-Man is shaking me and telling me I need to get up and get dressed because we've landed in IRAQ!!!!! I was right in the middle of this incredible dream where I was swimming in this huge pool filled with champagne and somebody was feeding me pieces of lobster on the end of this long pole so I didn't even need to use my hands to eat them...I'd just open my mouth and the lobster would fall in it. So when B-Man shakes me I'm not particularly happy he's ruined that great dream, and then I find out he lied to me and we're not in the United States at all. He told me we were in Baghdad and I didn't even know where that was until he said, "It's in Iraq, you fool." He never talks to me that way unless he's scared, which I've only seen him be a couple times...once when that dog from next door had him cornered in the back yard because he thought he was a robber.

So anyway I asked him what his problem was and he said he was scared to death somebody was going to blow his sorry rear end up with one of those bombs they hide by the side of the road. I'm tellin' you, he was PETRIFIED! I told him the Commander In Chief of all the armed forces should try to be just a little braver and he said I was right but he couldn't help it. You're not gonna' believe this next part...I looked closely at him and there was this big dark spot on the front of his pants. That's right...he'd peed himself he was so scared. So I told him he'd better put on some fresh britches after a quick shower unless he wanted to smell like that last place we visited in Turkey.

So here's what happened in Baghdad: B-Man went to talk to some troops and I stayed with the plane. They let me go out onto the runway where I was surrounded by all these hot guys in uniform who had REAL GUNS that were loaded and ready to shoot. That scared ME a little because B-Man and I hate guns and he told me he'd do everything in his power while he was President to make it illegal for Americans to own guns. Anyway, as soon as I got outside to get some fresh air I was practically covered with the nastiest flies I've ever seen. They landed in my hair and on my face and all over my body. I asked one of the soldiers what in the world they were and he said, "They're flies, ma'am. You get used to them when you live here." Well, I'm telling you I had no desire to get used to them so I scampered right back on the plane, but not before I took a deep breath of "fresh" air. Ha, that was a joke! The air in that country is so full of nasty smells I can't begin to describe it. If you took a bucket and put poop in it from about twenty different kinds of animals and then poured ditch water in it and put a lid on it and left it in the sun for about a week, and then stuck your head in it and took a breath, THAT'S what it smelled like. I practically ran back up that ladder into the plane and didn't come out again!

Later when B-Man got back I asked him what he'd done and he said he'd talked to some soldiers about how proud he was of them and what a great job they'd done but now it was time to give Iraq back to the Iraqski's or whatever they call themselves so we can put our troops in Afghanistan and catch that Bin Laden guy. I asked B-Man who he met and he didn't remember. He doesn't know anything about the military since he was never in it and has real problems with all the patches and badges and stuff they wear on their uniforms. He told me the only thing he knows about their ranks is that stars are the most important things so he pays attention to what people with stars say and pretty much ignores everyone else because they're not important enough to even talk to him. He says that when they talk to him he just says, "I'm proud of you and so are the American people". After he says that over and over to them they quit talking to him and go away. Heck, to me this whole President job is a snap.

So we take off from Baghdad and there are immediately these Air Force fighter airplanes flying right NEXT to us! It was really cool...I could see the pilots through those clear bubbles that cover where they sit, and they could see me! We made faces at each other and I was tempted to flash one of them just to give him something to tell his grandchildren about but there are cameras everywhere all the time and it would have not looked good on Fox News, would it? Hahahah....but I was really tempted. Since I couldn't do that I stuck my tongue out as far as it would go and swirled it around like I was licking the inside of an ice cream cone. That pilot made his wings go up and down when I did that and we both got a good laugh!

So now we're on the way back to the United States. I made B-Man cross his heart and hope to die when he told me that. I don't want any more tricks like that Baghdad one, I'm tellin' you! I'm tired of traveling and ready to be back in the United States!

All in all I guess it wasn't too bad a trip. I got to meet the queen and the leader of France and his wife (I can't remember their names) and drink gallons and gallons of champagne and stuff my face with all the free food and wear some neat clothes and listen to the cheers of all the people who love us over there. And the time really went quickly even though B-Man said it dragged on and on, but I think that was just because he was so afraid somebody would ask him a question he hadn't studied for and he'd look stupid like that idiot Press Secretary that works for him.

Well, I'm turning in as soon as I knock back the rest of this bottle of champagne. You know, it's starting to take almost a bottle of it to even give me a buzz. Do you think that's bad?

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Hot Doggies!!! We're Headin' Home!!

Whew....finally this miserable trip is over! Well, it's not quite over but we're heading for Air Force One and as far as I'm concerned that's the official end of it. Once I get my boo-tay on that plane I'm in heaven, but I've told you all that before. You know the best thing about the plane? I mean besides all the free food and champagne and all? The BED!! While everyone else is trying to sleep in those uncomfortable seats or they're having to stay up to fly the plane or whatever, we're racked out in a California King with nice crispy sheets and soundproof walls. Man, sleepin' in that plane is like sleepin' in a boat with nice gentle rocking and all. Of course it doesn't hurt that I've usually knocked back a couple bottles of the bubbly before I turn in, but still it's one great sleepin' bed.

Let's see if there's anything interesting to talk about. Hmmmm....well....B-Man and I toured some church in Istanbul for what seemed like hours yesterday. They made us take our shoes off so we wouldn't dishonor the gods or something, so B-Man wandered around in his socks and I just wore my hose....which were totally trashed by the time we finished the tour. Honestly, I had runs all the way up to my crotch and my feet were super nasty from the floor. You may have to take your shoes off but nobody thought a thing about throwing cigarette butts and trash on the floor...which I STEPPED ON a lot. It was disgusting. Speaking of disgusting, you should have seen the bathrooms in that place!! They were just these slits in the floor that you had to squat over, and evidently the women didn't know how to aim very well. So there I am with no shoes on standing in other peoples' old pee trying to hold my nose with one hand and my dress with the other. But there was no way around it unless I just wanted to have an accident. When I got back to the hotel I put my feet in the tub for about an hour with all kinds of soap and stuff.

So that was about all we did. Of course we met a bunch of people and acted really polite and friendly. B-Man met with some of the Turkish leaders for a while. I saw them and they looked like they should have been out herding goats or something but I guess they were important enough to talk to B-Man. Frankly I haven't been impressed with any of the countries we've visited yet except for France. Man, I LOVE France!!! It's beautiful and the food is fantastic and I just like to hear those French people talk even though I'm clueless about what they're saying. Hee hee.

So we're heading home and then I guess B-Man might have to actually do some work. He hardly does anything at all, work-wise, I have to be honest with you. He's a really good campaigner and speech-reader and all but he doesn't do much of anything for real work. He just lets other people do it, like Nancy Pelosi and Tim Geithner and Rahm. I heard him tell them one time, "Look, my job was to get us into power..now you guys have to run the country while I act important and smart", so that's what he does.

Well, I'm starting to get sleepy now so maybe it's time to catch a cat-nap. Maybe I'll write more later.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOX

Now We're In Turkey!!

I don't know who scheduled this trip but I'm telling you, we are going to some really strange countries. Heck, until we touched down in Air Force One I didn't even know where Turkey was!! Except for that big bird on our dinner table at Thanksgiving...I knew about that one. Well, it turns out Turkey is stuck between Syria and Bulgaria and for the life of me I don't understand why we're here. When I asked B-Man he said it was because Turkey is a Moslem country and he wants to be the first black president to visit a Moslem country.

Frankly I'm getting tired of B-Man and his fixation on being the first black president to do this, or the first black president to do that. Let's face it...no matter WHAT he does, he's the first black president to do it. I'll give you a perfect example of how carried away he's gotten: before we left on this god-forsaken trip, we were standing on the balcony off our bedroom in the White House right before we went to bed. I looked over and B-Man was at the railing peeing down two stories into the bushes. When I asked him what in the heck he was doing, he said, "I'm the first black president to take a whiz off this balcony!!" Is that childish or what? I'm gettin' sick of it.

So I don't understand why B-Man had to drag us here. He SAYS he's not a Moslem any more but I've heard being a Moslem is sort of like being a Marine...once a Moslem, always a Moslem. And if you say you've quit being a Moslem, the rest of them get really mad at you and want to kill you for leaving the religion. Is that crazy, or what?? Plus I have to tell you a secret: you know those little rugs you see the Moslems kneeling on and praying three or four times a day? B-Man has one of those rolled up and hidden under our bed, and sometimes I catch him kneeling on it and chanting some mumbo-jumbo. So I'm just not so sure. Not that it matters to me what he is...heck, after listening to that idiot Reverend Wright for 20-something years I'm not sure what I am any more!!

Oooo, B-Man is really angry about something else, too. As much has he tries to ignore Rush Limbaugh, he hates it that Rush talks about him all the time and busts on him so bad. Now Rush is calling our trip "The Obama Apology Tour". Can you believe that?? Just because B-Man is telling all the world leaders what a sorry country America is and how we've been mean to all of them for the past eight years and how they need to forgive us for it and how he's going to bring everyone closer together. Is that so bad? Rush says B-Man is bringing American down in the eyes of the world, whatever that means. I don't worry about it, but who knows. I mean with everyone hating us anyway, who cares who we look in their stupid eyes?

So now I guess we're going somewhere else tomorrow. They never tell me what's going on and I have to just drag the information out of them. I should feel good, actually, because Vice President Joe isn't told anything and no matter how much he begs and pleads, nobody will STILL tell him anything! Honestly, that man is such a loser. B-Man told him to stay out of the spotlight until our trip is over, and then to ask B-Man's permission before he does ANYTHING. B-Man is really scared of what that fool is capable of doing. You know something funny? He got on the ticket as a guy with a lot of foreign policy experience and we DIDN'T EVEN BRING HIM ON THIS TRIP!!! B-Man told him it was important to stay home and "guard the home front"..... like Joe could guard anything! Hahahaha....

Oh, me....I'm getting tired of typing so I guess I'll go do something else now. Maybe I'll order some food....yeah, that's it....I'll order some food.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Those Bad North Koreans!

Boy, oh boy, oh BOY! I don't think I've seen the B-Man so mad since one of the girls drew a mustache on the picture of himself he keeps on the night stand. I mean he was flat out SMOKIN' mad at those North Koreans for shooting off that missile they had.

First of all, he sent Hillary over there to talk to them and warn them that they'd better not do it or there'd be heck to pay. Then he even told them himself during one of his press conferences. But what do those kimchee-snappin' fools do???? You got it..they shot it right off like they didn't care a whit about what we'd told them. Don't they know he's the first black President of the United States and the most powerful man in the world, and that Hillary is the wife of a former President who committed perjury and was impeached and still got away with it?? Obviously that Kim Jung Ill or whatever his name is is one crazy Asian boy. He's messin' with fire, I'm tellin' you. Once you get on the B-Man's s**t-list, it's hard to get off it.

To top it off, they said they were shooting up a communications satellite, but everyone knew that was a lie because whatever was on the tippy-top of the rocket ship, which is where a satellite should be, just fell into the ocean, and then the Koreans said the satellite was in orbit around the earth. Well, any fool knows if something is in the ocean it can't be in orbit around the earth, too. Good grief...they must think we're total idiots.

So what does all this mean? To be honest, I'm not really sure and neither is B-Man. His advisors told him he needed to be really upset about it but they never told him why, so he had to pretend he knew and just rant and rave about the whole situation. I think it has something to do with the fact that now the North Koreans can put a bomb on a rocket and hit Alaska or Hawaii. Other than the fact that B-Man was born in Hawaii and still has some drinkin' buddies living there, I don't think he really cares all that much about those islands. As for Alaska, as long as Sarah Palin lives there I think B-Man wouldn't mind one little bit if the North Koreans lobbed a nuke in her direction. So....I mean....what's the big deal, we say...me and B-Man. As long as what they do doesn't stop our being able to use Air Force One and get free food, who gives a rat's rear end? I mean, really?

So that's pretty much what went on over the weekend. Oh....the NCAA Finals will be on Monday with Michigan State playing University of North Carolina. B-Man says that no matter who he's scheduled to meet with during that game, he's canceling and holing up with me, a case of Bud Light with Lime, and a television to watch that baby! He's such a little boy about the NCAA basketball tournament, I'm telling you..President or not.

I don't remember where we're flying off to tomorrow or who we'll be meeting with. Once I figure it out, or if I get any new scoop I'll write it down, I promise. As for now I think I'll knock back a bottle of champagne and hit the rack.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOX

I Know, I Know...

...I just wrote something in my diary but I just had the very most cool thought and had to write it down before I forgot it.

I'm seriously thinking of asking the B-Man if instead of being President and First Lady of the United States, we could be king and queen like they have in England!! Wouldn't that be COOL???? I mean, it's just a name anyway so what does it matter? Seriously.

It might take a change in the Constitution but B-Man says the Constitution is old and needs to be rewritten anyway and he intends to do that during his presidency, so why not just throw in the king and queen thing with the other stuff he wants in there? He says once we get just one more liberal judge on the Supreme Court he can do just about anything he wants. He says he may have to have one of the conservative judges whacked but it wouldn't be hard.

Well...now I have to go. I'm writing this from my iPhone in the back of the limo as I go somewhere to do something.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Alright, Alright, I Touched The Queen! Now Let It Go!

Oh....my....gosh, did I ever cause a stink in England. You'd have thought I peed in the front yard of Buckingham Palace or something they way the British press is whining and crying and wringing their hands. Once again the idiots on our staff let us down. You'd have thought that one, just ONE, of the 500 people we brought over here (yeah, we really did bring over 500....bet that cost the taxpayers a bundle, but who cares...it's free to us!) would have known that you're not supposed to actually touch the queen. I think it's going overboard with the whole royalty thing but the Brits seem to like it and they've been around a lot longer than we have. Anyway, I put my hand on her back...so big, big deal. What the press and the photos didn't show was that she actually put her hand on my rear end! I'm serious! She patted me on my behind and whispered, "Nice bootie!". Once I recovered from the cloud of bad breath that circled my head and could catch some air, I thanked her for the compliment. I couldn't believe it!! Do you suppose she could be a closet lesbian?? I never thought about it until right now. Now there's one for the British press!

Thank goodness we're out of London now and in France. I was really tired of that place and I was tired of going all around the city and acting like I gave a rat's rear end about the British people when I really think they are just a bunch of sissies with funny accents and bad breath. I know I keep going on and on about their breath but I read this thing a long time ago about what people have the worst breath and it said the British women did! I couldn't believe it until I came over here and it's true. I guess with their socialized medicine there's no dental coverage, and maybe nobody ever taught them about floss and toothbrushes. The B-Man is craaaazy when it comes to oral hygiene what with his shiny white teeth and all. He says next to his ears, his teeth are his best feature and he takes really great care of them and makes sure the girls and I take really great care of ours, too. He has like six electric toothbrushes and a Water Pik and a SoniCare and every other gadget to keep his choppers in shape. You'll NEVER see a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth either...he's super-sensitive about food in them. I swear, it takes him about 20 minutes to get ready for bed because he brushes and flosses and brushes and squirts with that WaterPik thing and it just never seems to end. Oh..I also think he's sensitive about having cigarette breath but of course brushing your teeth doesn't do any good since your lungs are rotting and you can't brush THEM! :-)

O.k., I rambled on a bit there. Sorry. Anyway, B-Man is in some stadium now talking to the French people and they're goin' crazy. He told me that all the people who are in the stadium were screened super well before they were told they could attend the speech thing. He said they actually had to try out and prove they could scream really loud and clap good. I've never heard of anything like that but this is France and they do things different here. Plus they had to sign some paper that said they loved B-Man and me and they wouldn't ask any tough questions. The whole thing seems silly but I don't really care about it. He does his thing and I do mine and it works out.

All I can say is I'm glad that whole G20 thing is behind us. B-Man told me that not one thing was really accomplished during the conference. China and Russia still hate us, Germany doesn't really care, France loves us because we're almost socialists now like them, England loves us for the same reason, and I don't even remember the other countries but most of them either hate us or don't care about us. B-Man says China practically owns the whole United States and Russia still wants to blow us up so they're using Iran to do it.

All this political stuff makes my head hurt so I pretty much just nod and think about other things when B-Man goes off on one of his tirades with me. I'm like him on one thing, though: we just wish all the nations could get together and hold hands and think happy thoughts, like in Peter Pan. He says he thinks those crazy Moslems (or Muslims or Muslems...I can never remember how to spell it) terrorists just need to be understood better. He thinks if he could just get Osama Bin Laden out of his cave and take him to Ruth's Chris and get him a decent meal and talk to him he'd tell all his followers to put down their guns and get real jobs. B-Man says nobody has ever done that before and he thinks it would work. And those crazy Taliban guys in Afghanistan just want to be friends, too. B-Man says he bets that none of those guys had parents who loved them and hugged them and told them they were special, and if we could just do that then they'd change completely and be nice. I don't know how we're supposed to go around and hug all of them since they hide like rats and are very hard to find, but maybe that Panetta guy in the CIA can figure it out for us. I just hope he's better than the idiots we brought on this trip!

So like I said, now we're in France. I don't know where we'll be tomorrow, though. B-Man told me all the countries we're goin' to but I forgot. All I know is we get to fly on Air Force One a whole bunch and eat, eat, eat! (Here's a secret: if B-Man would let me I'd stay on that plane and never come out I love it so much!!) We're going somewhere tonight here in France and I'm sure there will be good chow.

I'm told the French cooking makes English food look like Swanson's frozen dinners so I'm really looking forward to supper. And I KNOW there'll be a lot of good French champagne. Honestly, I drink that stuff like water and it makes my head spin around like a break dancer on speed but I just can't help it...I LOVE it! And then I get sooooo sleepy I'm afraid my head will fall down on the table and I'll drool or fart or something! I'm totally outta' control, but I'll tell you one thing....when my belly is full of bubbly I can flat out bust a groove on the dance floor! When B-Man and I are alone in our bedroom in the White House and I get some champagne in me, wow, I put on some moves that make him run to the closet and get on his Air Force One jacket and prepare for a "landing". Tee-hee.

Well....anyway....that's pretty much what's going on in my life. Oops...there's somebody knocking at my hotel door. I guess I have to go somewhere and do something now, just like a puppet. Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered to go to college...all I do is meet people and smile and be nice. But I don't care as long as I keep getting all this free food and riding on the plane.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

"Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat, Where Have You Been?"

"I'VE BEEN TO LONDON TO VISIT THE QUEEN"!!!! That's right, we DID get to visit the Queen! It was really neat but there were some downers, too. I guess all that talk about her being "to busy" to see us was just a bunch of hooey. If you want my opinion, I'll bet the B-Man got on his Blackberry and twisted some arms...probably told them he'd play the race card with the press and make her look like a flaming bigot. He's really good at that, which is why poor old John McCain handled him with kid gloves during the campaign and lost the election. Heck, if Johnny Boy had come after B-Man with both guns blazing, I'd be writing this from Chicago and nobody would be reading it!! But that's all academic, isn't it? Johnny Boy kept everything nice and sweet and now he's back in that smelly old Senate hanging with the rest of those idiots and we're flyin' around in Air Force One and in London eating like kings!!!

I wandered a bit there, didn't I? Back to the queen thing. Yep, we went to see her yesterday. After our moron driver blocked the driveway with B-Man's limo and had to be asked to move it so all the princes and princesses and other big-wigs could get into see the queen, too, things went pretty smooth. Oh...yeah...see, we didn't get to see the queen by ourselves. There were a whole bunch of the leaders of different countries there at the same time. I have to admit, most of the countries I'd never even heard of! Ask me how stupid I felt!!

So anyway, we got to meet the queen. Here's my impression of her: she's old and she's pale (even for a white person) and she smells like a wool sweater when you get it wet, and her breath would stop an Escalade. Whoo, it was all I could do to not put my hand over my nose. I guess it's because she lives in this old nasty palace that's like a thousand years old and they never open the windows because the weather always sucks. Luckily we didn't have to get close to her for very long, but it was enough for me to realize if she ever comes to visit us I'll have to pretend I'm sick or something; I can't imagine spending even a whole day with her!

So we see her and B-Man says all the usual stuff to her and then he gives her a gift: it was an iPod filled with some videos of her when she came to the US the last time, and a whole bunch of really old, stupid songs. See, here's the inside scoop about what happened, from somebody who knows, namely moi. When Gordon Brown, who is some kind of big-wig in their government here, came to visit us a while back, he was practically in the room with us before one of the staffers told us we were supposed to give him a gift. Some kind of silly tradition but you'd have thought just ONE of those morons in the White House would have told us that ahead of time, wouldn't you? But nooooo, we have to find out at the 11th hour. So B-Man tells me to scoot up to our bedroom and raid our DVD collection and put a bunch of them, preferably the ones we never watch, into a gift bag and stick a ribbon on it and hustle back as fast as I can. So that's what I did...I stuffed as many of them as I could in the bag, and that's what we gave Mr. Brown as our gift. Turns out they won't even play on DVD players in Europe because of some technical reason, but it didn't matter....the press acted like we'd given him rubber dog poop and a whoopie cushion or something. Hey, we did the best we could with the time we had, and blew it thanks to the morons we seem to have around us telling us what we should and shouldn't do.

So when B-Man finds out we're actually going to get to visit the queen, he calls up somebody in the White House and tells 'em to come up with something unique and put it on one of those really fast Air Force fighter airplanes and get it over here as fast as that jet can fly, he doesn't care what it costs or how many times the plane has to refuel or how many people have to stay up half the night doin' it...just get the gift here. So what do they come up with??? A freakin' iPod filled with really stupid stuff. But here's the funny part....when they told B-Man what they were doing, he had 'em bury two rap songs waaaaay down in the play lists: Snoop Dog singin' "Sexual Eruption", and "Sarah Palin (I Wanna' Lay Pipe) by John Brown. He told me it was a toss-up between the Sarah Palin one and the East Coast Avengers “Kill Bill O’Reilly”. B-Man HATES Bill O'Reilly almost as much as he hates Rush Limbaugh because he says you can't trick Bill. Oh, he's also kinda' scared of Bill, which is why he was afraid to put the song on the iPod. Anyway, he had those songs put on there because he says old queenie probably won't even listen to any of the songs and if she does, he'll know about it when she hits those two!! Wasn't that clever? Sort of like putting a note in a book to see if anybody ever reads it! I'm tellin' you, B-Man ain't just basketball and pecs and white teeth...the boy's got some serious smarts to boot! Actually he's street smart. You don't live in Chicago without picking up stuff like that.

Oh, here's the best part: they're probably still pissed about the DVD's since I'm sure Gordon Brown whined and cried to the queen, so the gift we got was an autographed picture of the king and the queen!!! An autographed picture!!! Can you believe that???? Not only that, but it's in one of those really cheap Wal-Mart frames and doesn't even have non-glare glass on it! I think that's what she gave to all the people who came to her party, too, so it wasn't even special. I told B-Man we should put it in the bathroom right next to the toilet so it could help us stay regular. Every time I look at it I almost sh*t I get so mad....might as well put it to some good use!

So then we all go over to Gordon Brown's place for the real party and it was o.k. The best part was the food! Say what you will about the English people, they can flat out cook. We had lamb and salmon and asparagus and a whole bunch of other stuff and some kind of tarts for dessert. Oh...and champagne, naturally. I drank a ton of that stuff and let out a huge burp at one point when the table got really quiet. I thought it was hysterical and so did a bunch of other people at the table but B-Man gave me that look he gets when Joe Biden says something really stupid (which is practically every time he opens his mouth!), you know, the one where he pinches his lips together really tight and makes his mouth look like that little star thing under a cat's tail? After I burped so loud that guy from France laughed and I said, "Well, at least I didn't FART!!!" That got me the look again from B-Man. So anyway, I ate like a pig and then I think I must have dozed off from all the food and champagne because the next thing I know we're in the limo heading back to the hotel and B-Man is smoking cigarettes like a blast furnace and will hardly talk to me. I swear, I can't help myself around good food that's free!

We passed some of those idiot protester people in the streets on the way back to the hotel but our driver stuck a gun out the window and they all ran like a bunch of scared rabbits. No wonder we had to bail these people out of two wars.

Well, my fingers are really tired so I'm going to sign off. If I get a chance later and I'm bored, I'll write some more.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

P.S.: I told B-Man about the people shouting at me yesterday while I was on my walk and he was as clueless as I was. Oh well.