Will It NEVER Stop???

B-Man says there's just no way this job is worth the money...no way. It's startin' to drive him completely crazy. He smokes like a chimney whenever there isn't a camera on him and he's put burn holes in all the carpets in the White House, especially in the Oval Office. When he stubs out a cigarette he doesn't use the ashtray...he just throws it down and crushes it with his foot. He says the taxpayers can buy him a new carpet when his is totally trashed because they owe that to him for what the job is doing to his head.

Here's the latest thing that makes him nuts: that torture thing that everyone is talking about. He says he just wishes it would go away like the pirate thing did. If he could call in the Navy SEALS and have them shoot somebody and solve it, I'm sure he would! He did the next best thing...put it on Eric Holder to decide. Honestly, B-Man is simply NOT good at making decisions! That pirate thing took him forever to figure out and when he finally told the Navy to kill the bad guys it was four days into the situation. He took some heat for that, and some tacky person somewhere started the rumor that the reason he waited so long was to make sure none of the pirates were related to him. Isn't that a childish thing to say?? Anyway, this torture thing is just a mess. He was ready to drop it but a bunch of his loony left-wing Bush-hatin' friends told him he had to take down anybody in the Bush administration that he could and teach them a lesson. I'm not sure what lesson it would teach them, but there's a whole lot of stuff I don't understand about what happens here in Washington. In fact, B-Man says it's the most confusing place he's ever lived and if it wasn't for his secretary and Rahm and other people who lead him around, he'd just go sit in a corner somewhere until it was time to eat the next meal. And he is serious, too!

Another thing I have to tell you, Diary....he's started drinking vodka in the middle of the day! I caught him in the bedroom yesterday sitting on the side of the bed in one of his $2,000 suits the taxpayers bought him, staring off into space with this glass of what looked like water, talking to himself. He was saying, "What have I got myself into?...what have I got myself into?"...over and over and over and he'd take a drink of the "water" every now and then. He didn't see me watching me but when he finally did I went over to him and he buried his head in my lap and said, "Michelle, I'm so scared...I'm so scared...", and he started crying. That's when I smelled the alcohol on his breath, even through that nasty cigarette smell. I'm tellin' you, Diary, he's about to crack. I don't know who is running this country but it sure isn't HIM! And he thought he wanted this job so bad and now he's stuck with it for the next almost four years. I'm beginning to hope he does something so outrageous that he'll get impeached and then we can leave. But heck, I don't know what that would be after Bill Clinton and that stunt with that intern and even THAT wasn't enough to get him out. Maybe B-Man would have to shoot somebody or something. I'm soooo tempted to send that copy I have of his birth certificate to the press...the one that shows he was born in Africa. That would probably get us back to Chicago but if he found out it was me, he'd kill me and then my girls wouldn't have a mommy. No...I guess we're pretty much stuck here.

And then there's Hillary. What an embarrassment to America. I swear, I saw her on television on a news conference the other day and her face looked like she was in one of those machines they put test pilots in where it goes around and around faster and faster and pretty soon their face is all pulled down and scary looking. I'm not sure she's getting any sleep at all because she looks worse than Barbara Bush and Barbara has about 30 years on her!! I'm not sure what's up with her since I avoid her every time I can. What I'm really afraid of is that Bill will be with her and he'll hit on me again like he did during the campaign. It was really uncomfortable then and I'm not sure how I'd handle it now, except to turn him down, of course. I swear, he's such a horn-dog I don't know how Hillary puts up with him. I heard Dennis Miller say that Hillary has been cheated on more often than a blind woman playing Scrabble with the gypsies. Isn't that funny???!!!! Oh, speaking of people on television, I got a glimpse of that Henry Waxman talking about something and that guy gets worse looking every DAY!! Rush calls him "Nostrildamus" and I can see why....I'll bet you could put a golf ball up his nose and he's never even notice. Hahahhaa.....I'm killin' myself today.

Well, let's see....my schedule is pretty light today. I'm going to a wine tasting and then I'm going to read some books to little kids and then it'll be time for my lunch and afternoon nap and then I'll have my nails and hair done with taxpayer money and then it'll be supper time and then some toddies and then off to bed. Just another day in paradise. I can't wait to get out of here, and don't even get me started on that evil dog of ours. I hate that creature.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Sigh

My, my, MY. B-Man and I have decided he’s in charge of a nation with almost no sense at all, and of course, he’s not helpin’ much with that since I truly believe he’s losin’ his marbles, but really….all this stink about some beauty queen saying she thinks marriage should be between a man and a woman?? Even B-Man, who believes some really really really really REALLY strange things believes that’s right. But all those old gay and lesbian weirdo’s just won’t let it go. Heck, that stupid beauty queen judge asked that girl her OPINION and then when she gave it he ragged on her on his blog . If you ask somebody their opinion, then you get what you get! My momma used to say, “Don’t ask the question if you can’t live with the answer”, and I think that Spanish guy just couldn’t live with the answer. By the way, is he a fruitcake? Just asking.

Speaking of fruitcakes, B-Man has gotten yet another fruitcake idea in his rapidly-graying head: he thinks we should learn to speak Russian AND Spanish so we can talk to the leaders of other countries! Isn’t that the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard?? He wanted to learn whatever language those people speak in Iran but he talked to somebody who knows about it and they said we couldn’t learn that language because our throats just aren’t made right for it. Have you ever heard them talk over there?? Mercy, it’s the strangest thing you’ll ever hear…they click and slurp and rattle their tongues around in their mouths like cows eating hay but somehow they get their ideas across to each other. At least I guess they do since I can’t understand a word they’re saying. And their alphabet looks like a bunch of sticks and stuff….like drawings from a kindergarten class. No wonder they live in mud huts and eat camel poo and have those towels on their heads and long robes even in that incredible HEAT!

So anyway, these two boxes from UPS show up in our bedroom and B-Man tells me to open them and they have “Rosetta Stone - Spanish” and” Rosetta Stone - Russian” inside them. Then he makes me load them on my laptop and give them a whirl. Honestly, I don’t have the time to learn one language, much less two. He says we can’t let our brains stagnate just because we’re livin’ in the White House and eating free food and all. I asked him if he didn’t use his brain enough in his job to keep it active and he said he doesn’t use his brain at ALL in his job…..he lets Pelosi and Reid and Rahm run things so he pretty much doesn’t have to think. He said he tried getting a handle on everything when he first got in office but it was waaaaaay beyond him and gave him terrific headaches, so he quit fighting and just rolled with it. He says he’s really looking forward to campaigning for his re-election in 2012 since he’s so good at it. He asked Rahm if he thought beginning his campaign this summer would be too soon, and Rahm said it would be a little too soon. B-Man was just crushed with that answer but he trusts Rahm and does everything he says, but B-Man told me he’s starting to write his campaign speeches and isn’t telling Rahm about it.

B-Man sits in the Oval Office every day and people come in and talk to him but they don’t know he’s just sitting there writing his speeches…they think he’s taking notes! Then when the people leave, B-Man gets Rahm’s opinion and that’s what he does, so he doesn’t even have to listen to the people while they’re talking! And that’s pretty much what he does with his day…sits there and listens and then gets Rahm’s opinion and then does that. Oh….he signs stuff, too. He told me he doesn’t have a clue what he’s signing but if it’s in his in-box and needs a signature, he signs it. One time Rahm tricked him and put a document in there that said B-Man authorized Joe Biden to be President and he’d be the Vice President, and B-Man went right ahead and signed it. They had a good laugh over that one and Joe wanted to keep the document as a souvenir but Rahm said no and shredded it in that shredding machine he has that he seems to put a whole lot of stuff in. Honestly, he empties that little plastic hamper under it a couple times a day. Once I asked him what was in it and he said, “Our past…we can’t afford for anyone to know the details!” Then he laughed that really scary laugh he uses when he acts like that other person he has inside him. B-Man is so scared of Rahm, probably because of that other person. I’m not afraid of him, though. He got pushy with me once and I got right in his face and told him he did NOT want to mess with me because I’d smack him down so hard he’d hear Reverend Wright’s voice in his head forever. He got this really strange look on his face and began to whimper like a little puppy. I had to give him some hot tea to calm him down, but he stays away from me pretty much now.

Oh, Lordie…I just looked at my schedule for today and it looks like I’m meeting some animal lover’s group at one o’clock. Since we’ve gotten Stupid The Dog, I’ve been growing less and less fond of animals. I don’t know what I’ll say to these people, but maybe I’ll just talk about how much I love to eat beef and they’ll cut the meeting short and go away. I’ve found out if I get tired of seeing people I can just drop some word-bomb and they scoot out of the room as fast as possible. Like when I asked that big-wig Catholic guy what they did with the pop-beads they carried around all the time. He started coughing and said he had to go take his medicine. Go figure.

Well, I’m getting tired and have to go do another Rosetta Stone lesson.

Hasta La Vista
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Those B-Man Pecs!!!

Well, FINALLY something that makes B-Man happy!! He's been in such a nasty mood lately I hardly like to be around him. But here we go with some good news: his "pec picture" is going to be on the May cover of "Washingtonian"!! He's so proud of that picture and the good job the artists did with Photoshop to make his pecs look so cut. I shouldn't tell you this, Diary, and if it gets out I do believe he'll divorce me, but his pecs don't look ANYTHING like that. In fact, he pretty much doesn't even HAVE any pecs.

He does bench presses and push-ups and all kinds of evil exercises but it doesn't seem to help. He asked the White House doctor what was wrong with him and the doctor told him his problem is low testosterone levels that keep his muscles from getting bigger. So no matter how much he works out and sweats and stuff it won't help. I guess that's why he only has to shave his face about once a week. Honestly I think that's why he's afraid of Rahm...because Rahm has this heavy beard and likes to flaunt how much he needs a shave to B-Man!

But anyway, there he is on the cover of that magazine!! He can't wait until he can walk down the street (not that he can do much of that any more) and see his face on all the covers on all the magazine stands! He simply cannot get enough of himself and there is no such thing as over-exposure with him. Oh...I forgot to mention...we have not one, not two, but THREE display cases in our bedroom now filled with all kinds of stuff with his picture on it: coffee cups, drinking glasses, plates, key chains, ash trays, water bottles, koozies, t-shirts, bobble-heads, hats, the list just goes on and on. Every time he sees another one he has to buy it and put it on display. I'm afraid we're going to run out of room because I'm sure before we get kicked out of here there will be a bunch more display cases in the room. I think I'm going to suggest we hang the little things from fishing line from the ceiling, like stars, so they won't take up any floor space. That would be kinda' cool, don't you think?

One thing I don't like about that magazine thing, though. One of the articles is called, "Our Neighbor Is Hot", meaning the B-Man since Washington thinks of him as a neighbor...which I think is kind of presumptuous. We are NOT neighbors of these thugs and criminals that live in this city: we're royalty, we're special, we're the President and First Lady. The nerve of them to think we're their neighbors. Heck, if we could live someplace nicer, like San Diego or France or something and still do the job, we'd do that. Let's face it, Washington is worse than Chicago. People get killed and mugged and smacked down here faster than Pelosi heads to California on the weekends. No way we'd stay here if we didn't have to! "Neighbors", my rosy rear end!! But back to that "hot" comment. I don't appreciate people lookin' at my man and thinking he's hot. I have a hard enough time keepin' his eyes on ME without that magazine puttin' thoughts in his head that he's hot. I'm not gonna' act like Hillary did with Bill if B-Man starts messin' around on me, believe me. I'll make such a fuss that he'll never be able to look me in the eye again. So America needs to get rid of that "our President is hot" idea....for good!!

Oh, did I ever hear a scandal and if this one gets out who knows what will happen! It seems that Barney Frank threw this big party and invited Pelosi and Harry Reid and some other people from Congress and it turned into some kind of orgy. From what I'm told, Barney actually put a little pony saddle on Harry and rode him around and around the room, slapping his rear end with a rolled up newspaper and shouting, "On Harry, on Harry...FASTER, FASTER!!!" When I heard that I thought I'd die laughing. Only I guess it wasn't so funny because Harry isn't exactly a young man and he got some chest pains and they had to quit the game. Plus his sides were all cut up from Barney's spurs. Pelosi started doing Jello shots and ended up swinging from this chandelier and barking like a dog. I really do believe she's nuts in the head and when I heard that it just confirmed what I thought. Then they had this keraoke contest and as it turns out, Pelosi couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. Evidently she doesn't sing...she howls...and it hurt people's ears and some really good wine glasses actually exploded when she hit some of the high notes. When she sang, "Stairway To Heaven" she pretty much cleared the room and it sort of broke up the party. Barney was the host of the party but he didn't even see his guests to the door because he'd gone off somewhere to do nasty stuff with one of the caterers who was a real cowboy, evidently. That man is so disgusting I don't even like to be in the same room. Harry spent the night on the couch popping nitro pills, and I guess he was luck to make it until morning. You won't read any of this stuff in the newspapers because they keep it all hush-hush, but I heard there were some photos taken on cell-phones that should get some people some sweet rewards for keeping them out of the tabloids. Washington...what a city!!

Well, I guess I'd better go now. Busy day ahead what with a big lunch and then my nap and then supper! Whoo-eee...I do love this White House gig!!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

B-Man's Upset AGAIN!!!

I'm tellin' you, Diary, B-Man is about to lose it. Every day it's something else and he's just not built to take criticism. When we were in Chicago everyone loved him and he was always told what a great guy he was, but now it's gotten to the point that he just hates to see Bob Gibbs because he knows it's gonna' be bad news of some sort. The press beats him up...after all the money B-Man gave those newspapers and television stations during the campaign to not print anything about Bill Ayers or Reverend Wright or any of the other thugs B-Man hung with, and they're STILL mean to him!!! It just isn't fair...it's not.

The latest thing is this "Obama Toilet Paper" thing. It was sooo funny when Bush's face was on it and I have to tell you a secret....B-Man actually used some of it one time and laughed for a week over it. He kept saying, "Boy, I sure fixed that Dubbya, didn't I?" He'd just chuckle and giggle and I finally had to tell him to let it go, that it wasn't really all that funny. Well he sure doesn't think it's so funny NOW!

Somewhere he saw a picture of his face on the paper and had to go hide and smoke about a zillion cigarettes before he settled down. He's got high blood pressure, you know....well, you probably don't know because his medical records stay hidden along with his birth certificate and all. Heck, if America found out all the stuff he's hiding, a moving van would pull up to the White House tomorrow and we'd be hustled back to Chicago and "Joe The Idiot" would be the new president of the United States of America, U.S.A. So that's why he has to hide everything.

Well, anyway, he DOES have high blood pressure which is just one of the reasons I want him to quit smoking but he just won't. I'm afraid he'll have the big one sometime in the next 3+ years, which would probably make Rush Limbaugh and all those other conservative freaks just as happy as clams. And it won't take many more things like the toilet paper to push him over the top.

Well, do you want to know the latest thing that Bo The Dog (aka "Stupid") did? Do you really want to know? I hate to even tell you this one because B-Man doesn't know about it and if he finds out there'll be hell to pay. You know that picture they put in the newspaper of B-Man in the ocean in Hawaii and made all those comments about his pecs? He loved it so much he had an 8 x 10 of it printed and autographed it to himself and put it on the nightstand right next to his pillow. He told me he loves it that the very first thing he does in the morning is just roll over and see that picture of himself. So what does Stupid do sometime during the day? Well, he gets up on the bed, takes the picture in his mouth (I'm assuming that because there are teeth marks all over the frame), breaks the glass, and pees on it!!! The pee soaked right through the broken glass and ruined the picture!! I was disgusted when I saw B-Man's beautiful pecs all soaked with dog pee!

I had another one printed really quick and tried to copy B-Man's signature and all the stuff he wrote on it about how he loves himself and all, and I just hope it passes inspection. I'm sure B-Man won't ever think that it's a fake, but if he finds out it's gonna' be a hard one to explain. I'll probably tell him that one of our slaves...oops, I mean servants....must have taken the real one as a souvenir and put the fake one in it's place, hoping he wouldn't notice. That might actually make him feel good because he has to be constantly told how special he is and how everyone loves him and how he's so "historic" (if I hear that word one more time I'm gonna' scream!!). But hopefully he won't even notice since he doesn't notice much of anything these days. But here's the bottom line: Stupid has now pooped on the towel I stole from Buckingham Palace and peed on B-Man's picture. The only thing left for him to do is puke on something and he'll have covered all his fluids....well, not all of them but after he's fixed that'll take care of the last one. I'm beginning to think he was trained by the Republicans to sabotage our stuff and try to make us lose our minds. If so, he's doing a pretty good job. I've told our servants to keep Stupid out of our bedroom but they're dumber than ACORN volunteers and can't seem to remember to close the door. Besides, the turnover in our servants is incredible....they work a couple days, see how crazy and unreasonable B-Man is, and quit. So there are new ones constantly coming in and I guess they just don't get the word about the dog and the bedroom. Oh well.....

Let's see what else is happening. Hmmmm....well, that handshake with Chavez is still in the newspapers and even a bunch of Democrats are starting to wonder if B-Man isn't a little un-glued. I mean, this Chavez guy is one bad dude...he's killed all kinds of people and there's even word out that he's a child molester, but B-Man still thinks it's important that he pretends to be friends with him. There's talk about how B-Man is hurting America by acting like he's everybody's friend, even the nut-cases that run some of the other countries, but B-Man does want everyone to like him and he'll sell out America to be liked...he even told me that. Plus he doesn't really believe Iran is such a bad country or North Korea is such a bad country, or even Russia. He says it's all just a bunch of stuff to scare us. He even told me, in confidence, he thinks George Bush had the Twin Towers blown up so he could start a war with Iraq and take all their oil. But he hasn't taken all their oil so that doesn't make sense, does it? Well, a lot of what B-Man says these days doesn't make much sense...I told you the pressure is really getting to him. He's pretty much told Pelosi (who he just hates) and Rahm (who scares him) and Barney (who gives him the creeps because he's a homo and all) and Harry (who smells like an old wool sweater) to just run the country and do whatever they want. All HE wants to do is travel and keep campaigning for the rest of his first and final term.

Well, that's enough for today, Diary. I have to go eat lunch now...lobster and lots of champaign!! Then it's nap time and shower time and then it's supper time and the day's over! I just love living here in the White House..it's the easiest job I've ever had, and I don't have to lift a finger!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

Ooooo, Lordie!

It’s been the week from HELL, I tell you, Diary. I know I haven’t written for a long time but I’ve been busier than an ACORN worker on the south side of town during the presidential election! What’s going on in my life, you ask? Well, I’m gonna’ tell you, honey.

First there’s this stupid dog we got. B-Man said we had to get a dog so that when something really bad happened somewhere in the world, or when Robert Gibbs shoved his foot in his mouth AGAIN, we could just have the dog appear somewhere where the photographers could see him and that would take all the stupid Americans’ minds off whatever it was that happened. There have been more pictures take of Bo (that’s what B-Man named him….I think it’s stupid but he liked the sound of “Bo Obama”, but he calls him “Bo-bama”. Dumb.) than of ME, and I don’t like that one bit. The other reason we had to get this dog is so when B-Man gets rid of one his famous gas bubbles he can blame it on Bo. I know the truth, of course, because I’ve lived with B-Man so long I know his habits and I know when a bubble is coming, depending on what he’s been eating. So anyway, I’ve been having to deal with Stupid…that’s what I call Bo….and it’s wearin’ me OUT!

Two days ago you won’t believe what happened. Remember when we were in Europe for that conference a while back where B-Man apologized for America and bowed to that Arab guy and everyone here got so excited? Well, if you’ll recall, I got to meet the queen..…remember? While we were visiting her I had to use the bathroom on account of all the rich food I’d pigged out on the night before….whoooo, I was about to explode! So anyway, while I was in the bathroom I stole one of the little hand towels and put it in my purse. Hey, why not? They probably have zillions of ‘em and I’ll bet everyone who visits takes one or two home. They have this neat little crest embroidered on them and under it are the words, “Property Of Buckingham Palace. If Found, Please Return To The Queen.” I wanted to take some other stuff but I didn’t think ahead to bring my really big “stealin’ purse”. So anyway, a couple days ago I was looking at that towel and left it on the floor of the bedroom by mistake, and BO TOOK A DUMP ON IT!!!! I came in the bedroom to touch up my makeup and there it was…a big, steamin’ pile of digested “Iams Indoor Formula”, right there on the towel. Bo was nowhere to be seen, of course, and my first thought was B-Man had put one of those fake rubber dog poops on the towel just to trick me….he loves those kinds of things. We’re always gettin’ packages from Spencer’s Gifts addressed to him and he won’t show me what’s in the boxes…it drives me CRAZY! So that’s what I thought at first…B-Man had played a little trick on me. But when I reached down to pick it up, my fingers just sank right into it!! It wasn’t rubber at all!!!! I’d just had my nails done and I was so disgusted I practically scrubbed them off with a brush and some soap and Lysol. If I could have gotten ahold of that stupid dog’s throat right then and there, I’d have squeezed it harder than the queen squeezed my booty.

So what was I supposed to do with that towel?? If I put it in the dirty clothes hamper, then the Royal Launderess or whatever that lady who washes all our clothes calls herself would know I’d stolen it what with the words on it and all, and she’d probably have told all the other servants we have and one of them would have sold the information to the press and then it would have gotten to the queen and probably caused an international incident, which B-Man certainly doesn’t need at THIS point of his practically blown presidency! So I did the only thing I could do…after shaking the poop into the toilet I put the towel in a plastic trash bag and threw it away. I was SO pissed at that dog…probably the only towel I’d ever have from Buckingham Palace (since we probably won’t ever be invited back) had to be thrown away like a used Kleenex. I don’t know if Stupid’s been fixed yet, but if he hasn’t I’m going to whine and pout until B-Man agrees we should have his cajones removed. That’s small payback for messing up my towel, but at least every time I see him from the rear after it’s done and see that empty space under his tail I’ll get some satisfaction….plus it probably hurts like hell and he deserves to be hurt. Back home where I’m from if a dog did something like that he'd end up in the Chicago River, but we have to act all civilized and righteous now, what with B-Man’s position and all.

So what else has been happening to keep me so busy? Oh, yeah….I was stuck here while B-Man went to some stupid meeting in Trinidad and shook hands with that Chavez guy and that caused a big stink. Chavez is the boss of one of those countries and has a lot of oil and likes the Russians so B-Man said he thought it would be a good idea if we were friends with all of them. Of course all the photographers took pictures and all the conservatives got excited and said that Chavez, who had called B-Man and “idiot” just a couple weeks ago, wasn’t really being a friend but guess what? B-Man told me that just before the picture was taken he’d gone to the bathroom and DIDN’T WASH HIS HANDS!! So the joke is on Chavez because B-Man shook hands with him and gave him germs!! If that ever gets out, Chavez will probably have his hand cut off or something since those people down there believe in all kinds of voodoo and stuff. Luckily I didn’t have to go to that conference but I’m always nervous when B-Man’s away and I don’t sleep well because I’m afraid some loony will grab him and hold him for ransom or something like those pirates did in Salami, or what ever the name of that country is. I know he’s got all that security and stuff but I’m still afraid something will happen like in those Boerne movies where people drop out of the sky. It could happen..it could.

Ooooohhhh, how could I almost forget??? That Jewish Seder thing that B-Man thought would be nice for us to have at Easter!! Oh….my…..gosh. He went to one when he was campaigning and thought it was just so neat and all so here we go again with another of his hair-brained ideas. I guess he thought that having one of those things in the White House would make Israel happy and get him back some support from them after he said he wanted to talk to Iran, but how in the world will we know if it worked or not?? All I know is it took FOREVER and I’ve never seen such a bunch of mumbo-jumbo. B-Man said it was all symbolic of the stuff the Jews believe in but I don’t have a clue. We sat around this table with all these weird foods in little bowls….parsley and salty water and some kind of relish stuff with apples in it and HORSERADISH!!!...can you believe that???....and those big huge burnt crackers with absolutely NO flavor in them. And that absolutely worst wine I’ve ever had…it was too sweet and didn’t have any kind of kick to it, not that we got to drink that much of it anyway. We read all this stuff out of little booklets and there were songs and then we broke those crackers apart and ate them and then we ate the parsley dipped in salt water and then read some more and then ate another cracker dipped in the horseradish and drank some wine and it just went on…..and on…..and on….and on……until I almost went crazy. I had to get up and go to the bathroom a couple of times just to stretch my legs and get away from it all, and every time I came back I was hoping it would be over, but noooooo….more crackers and wine and songs and reading stuff and oh my gosh. I guess the Jews did all that because they had a lot of time on their hands wandering around in the desert (or is it dessert? I can never remember how to spell that silly word!) but personally I have a pretty busy schedule and can’t afford four hours of whatever you call that. Finally it was over and I'm telling you one thing...if B-Man doesn't get impeached and we're still her next Easter and he decides we should have another Seder thing, I'm going to fake cramps and just stay in bed!!

So that’s about it…the dog and the conference and the Seder. I won’t even go into the Easter Egg Roll because I’m getting tired. But I do have a confession to make….when I first heard about it I thought it was the Easter Eggroll….like that Chinese food!! I thought we were going to go and eat eggrolls for Easter!! Isn’t that a scream?? I couldn’t figure out how that tradition ever got started since the Chinese have a different New Years than us and probably don’t even believe in Easter. But it turned out to be an egg roll. All I’m going to say about that is it was a pain in the butt and I’m so sick of eating boiled eggs and deviled eggs and egg salad from all the leftover eggs that I finally had to tell the kitchen pukes not to even let me SEE another egg until the 4th of July!

Gotta’ go.
Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXO

It's Good To Be Home, But.....

.....B-Man is starting to get what I'm calling "The White House Blues". He really doesn't like it here any more. He told me he had NO idea the kind of work he'd have to do if he got elected. He says it's really, really hard and most of the time he doesn't have a clue what's going on. But I've told you that already. Oh...and you absolutely have to keep this a secret...he finally admitted that George Bush did one heck of a job as President but the Bush-haters were too stupid to realize it. He's so afraid there's going to be another terrorist attack in the United States while he's President and he'll get blamed for it. He hardly sleeps at all any more.

What with this latest pirate thing and Hillary calling the pirates "criminals", which implies they have all the rights that go along with criminals, instead of terrorist thugs which is what they are...well...the press is jumping on the bandwagon again. Honestly, they just pick on any little word and won't let it go. It was o.k. when Slick Willie got into that "What is 'is' " routine because he was a Democrat and the press loved him, but now those same reporters are knocking Hillary. Plus B-Man doesn't have a clue about what to do with those pirates, which is why he hasn't said Jack squat about it. He's hoping it'll be settled somehow and it'll just go away...maybe Hillary can even fix it, but he's not too hopeful about that. B-Man says she's a total ditzoid and every time he sees her and her little "lemon-sucking mouth", he says he feels physically ill. But he had to put her in that office or Bill would have been furious with him and who knows what might have happened: he said he didn't want to end up like Vince Foster, whoever that is. All I know is he's really scared of Bill because he says Bill Clinton has done some things that would have landed the average American in prison for life, sort of like that Kennedy guy who drowned his intern...I can't remember his name.

So there's that pirate thing, and the budget thing, and all the Tea Parties going on, and all the hoo-rah about the economy, and Nancy Pelosi, and Barny Frank, and Harry Reid, and Tim Geithner The Tax Cheat, Rush Limbaugh and Gleen Beck and Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity and now the numbers on that poll thing that tell us how much everybody loves B-Man are going DOWN. He says he doesn't care about it because he doesn't work for the American people and most of them, especially the ones who voted for him, are idiots, but I'll tell you a secret....he has a little chart on the inside of his closet door and he tracks those numbers. I dread it when he opens that door because when he sees that chart it always puts him in a really bad mood and he smokes like a ton of cigarettes and mutters things like, "How can they NOT love me???", and "Don't they understand I'm an historic President???", and "This job is really, really hard...don't they know that?" It's breaks my heart to see him like that but I don't know what to do except to smile and dress real nice and hope it helps people start liking him again. If the numbers keep going down I'm honestly afraid he might do something to harm himself, that's how much I think he cares about it.

Oh....my....gosh. I have to bring up one more unpleasant thing: Robert Gibbs, the White House Press Secretary. B-Man is just about to can him, I'm telling you. B-Man thought Gibbs would get better with time but he's not...he's getting WORSE! Now when the press asks him a tough question, like "How can you possibly say that when the President bent over from the waist until his back was parallel with the ground, it wasn't a bow??", Robert gets visibly pissed and comes back with some smarty-pants answer. Honestly, I don't know why they don't just admit that B-Man bowed because he thought it was appropriate and let it go at that. But nooooo, Gibbs has to pretend that all of American didn't see what all of America saw. Who CARES???? But it just shows that he'll say anything, even if it's a big huge lie. So B-Man is starting to get really tired of Gibbs and his inability to make a complete sentence, and his 1950's glasses, and that little hank of greasy hair that falls down on his bald forehead, and the way he sweats when he's on the hot seat, and his arrogant attitude because he's the hoity-toity Press Secretary. Oh...and the reporters are really liking it when he gets upset, which he does a LOT now.

Well, I'm getting tired of writing all this stuff. Why can't we just go back to Chicago and live the lives we did before B-Man got this crazy idea about being President? He hates it, and I hate seeing him hate it, and now it appears more and more of the country is hating him. Well, only a couple more years and we can leave here. Oh...one other thing....B-Man has another chart on his closet door that shows the number of days left for him to be President. He says he's not going to run again and I can tell he loves marking those days off. Well, 2012 can't come too soon for both of us.

(Sigh)

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOX

Ze Bow, Ze Bow!

Lord have mercy, have you ever heard such a stink about a stupid bow? Look, B-Man doesn't bow to anybody, not John McCain, not Reverend Wright (well, maybe a little to him), and certainly not the king of whatever that raghead country was. Here's the truth: the night before the bowing incident was "Mexican Night" on Air Force One. One of the 500 people we brought with us on the trip was Lupe Hastalavista, the best cooker of Mexican food on the planet. She outdid herself, even in that little airplane kitchen. B-Man kinda' overdid it with the burritos and I have to admit, when he knocks back the kind of food he did that night we all pay for it big-time! Thank goodness we spent the night in a hotel away from everyone. Even though I had to suffer through his gas attacks, the others were spared.

So he gets up, drinks some coffee and orange juice, and heads off to see the king. Just before he went in to greet the guy, this huge, painful gas bubble popped up in his gut and there was just no way he could possibly control it. He figured what he'd do was bend over just a little....just a little....and let the burrito fumare sneak out. I don't know how often those Arab people take baths but B-Man said he figured nobody in the room would even notice the addition to the stench so that's what he did. He wasn't bowing to the king....he really wasn't. He was bowing to the Mexican food!!

So the press gets ahold of it and makes such a big deal out of it, but now the truth is out so everybody can just relax and talk about something else. Like what's been going on here while we were gone. And believe me, this place just went nuts the whole time we were gone. That nut-case Pelosi wrote B-Man up this long list of things she wants to do and put it on B-Man's desk for his signature when he got back. I do believe she's got a brain tumor or something and B-Man gets so mad at her he just goes and plays basketball to let off steam. He says if he doesn't do that he's afraid he'll wrap his big, long half-black fingers around her neck and just squeeze until the normally dead look in her eyes becomes an even deader look. He's serious, too!

So she writes up this list and here are a couple of the things she wants:
1) She wants to be formally designated as "Princess Pelosi". Conservative talk radio has nicknamed her that and she's started liking it, so that's what she wants people to call her, even in the House and Senate. Can you believe that????

2) She wants B-Man to tell Barney Frank that she's officially his boss and he has to do what she tells him to do. She hates Barney because he ignores her and she knows he hates her, too, and it drives her nuts. I guess she thinks if she's his boss she can cut him down to size. B-Man says the truth is that Barney is so stupid he wouldn't even care if she was his boss and he'd still do as he pleased.

3) This is the cruncher...this is the one that made B-Man go play basketball for almost an hour and come back sweating like a Christmas hog: she wants her own jet airplane...one of her very own assigned to her 24/7, and SHE WANTS HER NAME PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF IT!!! She said she wants it to be called the "Pelosi Express" and she wants a picture of her face painted on it, too. She said she needs a G-IV because she needs the room for all her clothes and her friends and stuff. This way she won't have to borrow one from the Air Force all the time. In the paper she says those Air Force people are starting to be really rude to her because she's so demanding and she's just tired of putting up with all their guff.

Well, you can imagine how all this went over with the B-Man. He took this big red magic marker and wrote, "Get Serious!!" across the paper and had it sent back to her. So I guess any pretense of playing nice between them is totally over now. Honestly, that woman needs to be put out to pasture but the cows would probably protest! Hahahah....I just made that one up!

So now that the big G-20 trip is over, B-Man has his staff on the lookout for where we can go next. He totally doesn't get this "working at the White House" business because he says he really doesn't have a clue about what he's supposed to do, but man, he loves to travel and talk to big crowds of people about how nice he is and how sorry he is for America being such a bad country and how he's going to change it and make nice with everyone. THAT'S what he's really best at, that's for sure!

Oh..one more thing...there's supposed to be some big deal on tax day...April 15th. A whole bunch of idiot Americans are going to have what they're calling "Tea Parties" to protest the high taxes and spending that B-Man is pushing through. He says I should just ignore them like he's going to do. He says he wouldn't care if they held the protests in our bedroom, he's still gonna' tax the rich people until they bleed and give all the money to the poor people so they'll like him more and vote for him next election. So that's that.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO