Children's Health Fair Thingy

Well, Diary, I guess I did a really good thing when I had the Children's Health Fair on the back lawn of the White House. I really do care about kids and all since me and B-Man have two of them, you know. Well, I have two of them anyway....B-Man says he may have more he doesn't know about! He laughed when he said that and told me he was just kidding but I don't think he was....he was a real swordsman when he was younger! I keep waiting for some woman to go to the press and tell them she had Barack's baby. If that happened, B-Man would probably have to make a call to some of his Chicago friends and the woman and her kiddo would disappear. He's done that before and doesn't have any problem doing it. He says, "What I don't know won't hurt me", whatever THAT means!

Anyway, so I had this fair thing and played with all the kids and then we started hula hooping. All the kids shouted and screamed at me to "do the hoop", so I put it on and started bumpin' and grindin' like I do with B-Man after I've had too much champagne, and honestly, Diary, I started GETTIN' INTO IT!!! I'm not kidding! Maybe it was that new thong I was wearing or maybe it was the warm weather or the kids shoutin' at me and encouraging me but I got all flushed and before I knew it I had the "Big O" right there on the White House lawn!!! I don't think anyone knew what happened but I CERTAINLY DID!! Somebody counted and they told me I humped that thing 142 times before it finally dropped. Well, I don't have to tell you why I dropped it! I almost fell over but managed to compose myself.

Oh, and the photographers took the MOST unflattering picture of me with the hula hoop. When me and B-Man and the girls first got to the White House my belly was flat as a board, and I took a lot of pride in it. But after all the caviar and champagne and high livin', I've got a pretty good pooch going. B-Man has made some snide comments about it, like, "Hey, Michelle, are you pregnant again?", and "Hey, Michelle, you're getting fat, you big pig!", and "Hey, Michelle, I see that caviar and champagne has gone to your gut!"....stuff like that. He thinks it's so funny, but then he laughs at some really strange things....like when the unemployment numbers go up or the new jobless figures come out. But after that he always says, "Just like I wanted...everything is going according to The Plan". I don't know what "The Plan" is, but B-Man and Rahm and that Axlerod guy are always scheming with their heads real close together and they're always talkin' about "The Plan". So it must not be good if those guys are in on it.

So anyway, those stupid photographers take this picture and plaster it all over the place. There I am with that hoop riding up over my pooch and my belt is stuck up over the pooch right under my boobs and it makes me look like a fat cow. I may have to cut back to just four bottles of the bubbly every day and get my tummy flat again...or maybe not. I may just wait until B-Man looses the next election and we have to leave the White House and return to a more normal diet when we have to pay for the food ourselves. Boy, that's gonna' be hard to get used to!

Well, I've rattled on and on again. B-Man isn't too happy these days what with that mess in Afghanistan and Cheney accusing him of being a pussy because he won't make a decision on the troops. Then there's the healthcare mess, the economy and everyone losing their jobs, and talk about another stimulus, and that pay czar guy cutting some people's pay by 90%, and Pelosi still screeching and flapping around, and Harry Reid about to get defeated in Nevada, and Fox News reporting all the stuff that's really happening, and....oh, gosh, Diary, it makes me so tired to see how everything is falling apart. B-Man actually cried himself to sleep last night. He said he has no idea what's going on and really, really wishes McCain had won the election. But there's nothing we can do about it now, is there? I told him he just needs to grow a set and deal with it but it just made him cry harder.

Oh well. Time for some champagne!

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOO

B-Man Is PISSED!!!!!!!

Dear Diary:
Well, I guess I don't have to tell you about what just happened in Denmark, huh? Mercy me, I've NEVER seen B-Man so upset. But let me start at the beginning.

First of all, I don't care what I said about "sacrificing" by coming over here, this has been a total trip! I had that entire 767 jet airplane all to myself without any of B-Man's people telling me, "You can't do this, you can't do that", so I pretty much did what I damn well pleased.....and believe me it was one 3,000 mile PAR-TAY across the Atlantic (that's the right ocean, isn't it? Or is it the Pacific? I always get them confused!) The champagne started flowing before we even lifted off and didn't stop until they dragged me into the shower to sober up and wash the puke out of my hair! Ooooo-EEEEE, it was fun! I don't remember a whole lot about it except that everyone put on those yellow oxygen masks that come out of the ceiling and started dancing around like fools. Too bad some of B-Man's "happy smoke" couldn't have been pumped into those masks, huh?

So we get here and fart around for a couple days, and then B-Man gets here and we start getting ready to talk to that Olympic Committee about having the Olympics in Chicago. I'll be truthful with you, Diary, B-Man only cared about this because he owes SO MANY people favors and the Olympics in Chicago would have made about a gazillion millionaires out of people who don't have enough sense to pump gas! But they helped B-Man get elected so he had to come over and schmooze with these European sissy-boys. Rahm said we shouldn't come unless we knew for sure what the vote was going to be, but Big Smart B-Man said, "Rahm, why don't you just shut up for once and let me do things my way?!!", so Rahm gave him the finger and sulked in the corner.

So we got up on that stage and made those phony speeches...I hated to drag my dad into the mix but B-Man said we had to pull out all the stops, so I did. To be truthful, I'm not even sure he's my dad but I had to pretend he was because it made for a good speech. I thought B-Man's little touch about being able to walk outside with his daughters and see the Olympics was a bit over-the-top but he thought it was soooooo smart. So after the speeches we went and ate some Denmark food...they eat this really salty fish for all three meals and it makes me so thirsty I can't stand it. So we ate the food and then listened to that one IOC boss-man tell about the votes.

When he said Chicago was kicked out first round with 18 out of 80-something votes, B-Man just stared straight ahead but I could see the veins starting to pop out on his neck the way they do when Pelosi opens her fat yap. The last time I saw him this mad was when Bill O'Reilly called him a doofus on his show. And the last time I saw him this disappointed was when I told him he couldn't be President of the World because the world didn't HAVE a President. So he just stared and then we left and went back to Air Force One and he started saying words that even I can't put in you, Diary....and he actually started THROWING THINGS!!! I've NEVER seen him do that. First he threw a full ashtray right at that full-length mirror he had especially installed in our bedroom and glass went everywhere. Then he took the jacket with the Olympic symbol on it that he'd had specially made for when he gets off the plane in the United States and tried to flush it down the toilet. But the toilet got all stopped up and water poured out on the floor and B-Man slipped and fell down and just sat there in all that water and moaned and groaned. It was pathetic. He kept saying, "What am I going to say to Rahm and Mayor Daley...what am I gonna' say to Rahm and Mayor Daley.....". And it just went on and on until I left and got some champagne.

So....Diary....now he gets to talk to those Iranian crazies about the nukes, and his healthcare thing is a disaster, and all the czars are starting to get looked at, and the economy is in the tank worse than ever, and his beloved ACORN has gotten busted big-time, and Afghanistan is a total mess, and to top it off Pelosi is calling him every hour and telling him something else to do.

Honestly, we both wish we'd never gotten involved in all this. Really. B-Man just isn't cut out for it and I'm getting tired of all the photographers already. I'm going to see if he can pretend to be really sick so we can leave the White House and go back to Chicago. Heck, Jimmy Carter has managed to survive just fine.

Gotta go now, Diary.

Toodles
XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Been A Long Time, Huh?

I know, I know, Diary...it's been a long time since I've written in you. But B-Man has had me HOPPIN'! Plus I have to be honest...he read some of the things I wrote in you and put me in time out for a while because he says, "You're tellin' too many of my secrets and you need to stop for a while". Well, I've stopped for a while but I can't quit putting secrets in you because that's what you're for! He never should have stuck his nosy old nose in you anyway. What happened was he ran out of cigarettes and got all frantic and started tearing our bedroom up and found you and read you. So thanks to that nasty habit of his...that he SAID publicly he's quitting but really isn't....he found you and read you. Honestly, sometimes when he's asleep I've though about taking two of his cigarettes and shoving them waaaaaay up his nose just to make him nuts. But I've seen him when he's craaaazy mad...like when Joe Biden says ANOTHER stupid thing or when Pelosi opens her fat yap, and I don't want to be the object of his anger. So I just think about shoving those cigarettes up his nose but I don't do it. But when I think about it, it makes me laugh, especially after I've knocked back a few bottles of the bubbly.

Well, Diary, there's a big stink now about my purse...the one I carried while B-Man and I were in Russia. Some idiot photographer took a picture of us and I honestly didn't think that little bitty purse would even show up, but somebody noticed it and identified it and now B-Man is super mad at me. He was clueless about it...I mean who would even think that little thing would cost $6,000!! Once he found out he chewed me out big time for buying it. I told him, "You get off my back. We're rich now and I don't care what you said about being the 'president of the people', I'm livin' high while I can and you just have to get used to it!". That didn't go over too well with him and he chain-smoked about 10 cigarettes before he finally calmed down. But that's the way I feel, Diary: I don't give a rat's rear end about the poor people in America. They're poor because they're not smart enough to figure out how to be rich like we were. If they'd just sell their souls to the devil like B-Man did in Chicago, they'd be carrying $6,000 purses!

Speaking of Russia, that was some trip! I didn't get to meet that Putin guy but that's fine with me because he scares me. B-Man said he scared HIM too, but then B-Man is afraid of everyone. B-Man said Putin's eyes were evil and if there's ever anyone who knows what evil looks like, it's B-Man. I didn't realize that Putin used to be KGB! Heck, I'll bet he's put a pistol to a few people's heads and pulled the trigger, huh?

But I did get to meet that Dmitry Medvedev and his wife Svetlana; now they were some nice folks. They gave us some kind of special, rare caviar and some Russian champagne, and you know what a pushover I am for those two things. After drinking a bunch of the champagne, I swear I could start understanding what they were saying in Russian before the translator even translated! I know it was my imagination but it seemed so real. I had this crazy thought that maybe I could speak Russian, so the next day while we were walking outside I made up some words and said them to some people that walked by. They gave me some strange looks and started walking faster, so I guess whatever I said wasn't real Russian. Hmmmm.....

I'll tell you, Diary, I'm ready for Summer to be over! I sweat like Fat Elvis when the temperature goes up and I hate it. A couple more months and I can start wearing all the really nice Fall and Winter outfits I've bought. Can't wait for that!

Another secret for you, Diary: B-Man had to get his hair colored yesterday. He's turning gray faster than the economy is crashing. All the stuff going on is just making him nuts, and when he found out his approval ratings are starting to tank, I thought he was going to have the big one. Rahm says not to worry about it but B-Man wants everyone to love and adore and worship him, and he DOES worry about it. He told Rahm to go pound sand...he'd worry about it if he wanted. Which didn't make Rahm very happy, but B-Man can kick him out of the room if he wants.....any time he wants.....and he's done it a few times even though Rahm scares him.

Well, I gotta' go, Diary. It's almost 10:00 a.m. and that's when I have my morning snack.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXO

B-Man And Memorial Day

Well, here it is...Memorial Day. Another historic first, according to B-Man: "The first Memorial Day in America's history with a half black president in office". He actually said "black", rather than "half black"...those are my words. I guess if we ever get a really all black president then everything will have to be historical over again. I am so tired of his saying that all the time..I told him that but he says to just get over it.

So Memorial Day is supposed to be the day we honor all the soldiers who died defending our country. Neither B-Man nor I have a clue about the military, really. B-Man didn't serve because he was scared and since military service is optional he decided he'd just let other people defend our country while he went to school and got into politics. And now he's supposed to be the Commander in Chief, the boss of all the soldiers. Talk about crazy!! He can't even "command" Stupid The Dog, much less soldiers! Heck, guns scare him, fighting scares him, sleeping in a tent scares him, even guys in uniform scare him! He's pretty much scared of his own shadow.

He told me he doesn't understand Memorial Day. We don't have a day where we honor other kinds of people who die, do we? Like cab drivers, or mailmen, or highway workers, or hunters? So he doesn't really think we should have a day where we honor dead military people. He told me he was thinking about proposing to Congress that we get rid of Memorial Day and replace it with "B. Hussein Obama Day" where people could honor him, the first half-black president of the United States. I thought he was just foolin' around but then I realized he was serious! I just didn't say anything to him but I think he's letting this presidency thing get to him. I caught him looking in the mirror the other day muttering, "I am the president of the United States"..."I AM the president of the United States"....I am THE president of the United States". He was putting emphasis on different words in the sentence. He didn't know I was watching and after a few minutes I just shook my head and walked away. I do think he's losing it.

I believe the Pelosi thing is finally over. After she accused the CIA of lying to Congress and then had to defend her statement, the press jumped on her with both feet. She's not very slick at defending herself and said some really stupid things, so B-Man called her up and told her to get out of the country until this thing blows over. So she left on a five day trip to China. Now, Diary, I don't have a clue what she is going to do there. She doesn't have any skills and she doesn't speak Chinese, and she hates stir fry and teriyaki and Spring rolls and all that other Chinese stuff, so I don't have any idea what she'll do while she's there. Maybe she'll just stay in the plane on the runway and sleep or something. And then she'll come back and continue to make a fool of herself. Man...she's a whacko.

As soon as B-Man gets done making some speeches today, we're going to cook some ribs in the White House garden. B-Man got them to get a really good barbecue grill and stick it out there so we can grill things so that's what we're going to do. When we lived back in Chicago, we'd get all our friends and supporters and thugs crooks and radicals and crazys and what-not together on holidays...at least during warm weather....and cook stuff and drink a lot of beer and act silly. We can't do all that here because the photographers would publish pictures of us swilling beer and dancing and doing nutsy stuff and then that idiot Robert Gibbs would have to make some story to feed the White House Press Corps and it just isn't worth it. But we are going to grill some ribs later this afternoon, believe me!

Diary, I have a confession to make: it's only 2:00 p.m. and I've already drunk two whole bottles of champagne. I'm not really even all that loopy, either. I think my body is getting used to all the alcohol I'm drinking, which is too bad because it takes more to get a buzz on than it used to. Of course it's free, but I get bloated after drinking too much of that stuff.

Well, I think I hear B-Man coming, so I'd better go. He's always crabby after giving speeches and not being able to smoke cigarettes, so I'd better have one lit up for him so he can start sucking that smoke into his lungs. Honestly, I wish he'd quit, but he just won't. He says that as long as cigarettes are free (which they are while he's president), he'll never quit.

I have to go now so we can go have a picnic or something.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXOXO

Another day in paradise.

Well, Diary, we're still here! Haven't gotten kicked out yet!! Isn't it amazing that B-Man and me can be hangin' out with all these important people and living in the White House and we don't have a CLUE what we're doin' here??? It's like the ultimate joke on America! Hey...we went for the gold ring and snatched it right off the pole, and now we're livin' the life of Riley!

Let's see....I guess that silly White House Correspondents' Dinner is hot news...the one where B-Man tried to be funny and then that Wanda Sykes got everyone upset. I did NOT want to go there but B-Man made me, so I drank an entire bottle of champagne before we even got out the door and honestly don't remember a whole lot about it. But I did hear that B-Man, who wrote his own jokes, went over like a fart in church. I told him he needed a professional to write that stuff but he fancies himself to be a real comedian so he just went right ahead and did what he wanted. It was about as well done as that speech he wrote for his inauguration....a real flop. And I told him to memorize it for goodness sakes, but he didn't and he kept looking at his papers so he wouldn't screw up the jokes. At least I was told he did because like I say, I was pretty much blind and deaf from so much champagne. I have to tell you a secret, Diary.....I have this thing made out of PVC pipe and shaped sort of like the letter "H". They made it for me here in the White House, and before these big dinners they fasten it to my chair back but nobody can see it. They tip it up so the "H" is sideways and I sit back against it and they put a bungee chord around my stomach and fasten it to the pipe thing. That way I won't slouch over and fall out of the chair when I get really drunk. It works like a charm but I can't get up until the end of the dinner when they take the bungee off, so I have to make sure to pee before the meal starts! But don't tell anyone about that, ok?

So B-Man does his jokes (I'm being kind when I call them that) and then that Sykes (or is it Sikes? It's always confused me how two letters can sound exactly the same.) woman gets up and says some things that don't go over too well. Well, people laughed...even B-Man (and he took some heat for it later) but I'm told she said some really ugly things. And then that idiot Bob Gibbs had to make some weak statement to the press to cover it up....like B-Man wasn't responsible for what she said and some other hot air. Honestly, if Gibbs didn't have some dirt on B-Man, he'd be out on his sorry rear end and doing the weather on some po-dunk television station in Montana. B-Man won't tell me what it is but it has to do with something that went on in Chicago while he was a Senator for 147 days. Heck, B-Man was involved in so much illegal stuff it could be any of like a thousand things, so it doesn't much matter that I don't know which one. But Gibbs found out somehow and told B-Man he'd write a book if he got fired. So I guess we're stuck with him for a couple more years.

Ohhhh....this economy thing. B-Man is starting to panic, Diary. He's smoking more than ever and isn't sleeping well either. He's gotten a lot of advise about what to do but things just keep going downhill....jobs are going away and the banks are in trouble and he's just at his wit's end. But he told me the worst that could happen is everything would collapse and he'd still have a job, so I guess it's not all that important in the end, huh? We'll still have free food and a nice house, and that's really all that matters.

One other thing before I go to take my nap: Dick Cheney. B-Man absolutely hates Cheney because he just won't go AWAY, and he keeps ragging on B-Man and telling everyone how America isn't safe from terrorists any more and how the administration is doing stupid things. Look, he's not vice president any more and we think he should just go somewhere and retire, but he won't do it. B-Man told me he's seriously considering contacting some of his friends in Chicago and seeing if they couldn't encourage Cheney to have one of his massive heart attacks. I don't have a clue how they could do that, but I don't put anything past them because those men can do some pretty wild things. If B-Man does that and they do their thing, America will never know it wasn't a heart attack because they're GOOD at what they do. So maybe Cheney should keep quite and stay out of B-Man's business. Don't say I didn't warn you, Diary.

Well....that's enough for one day. I'm exhausted and need some champagne and a nap. More later.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

So Much Happ'nin'!!

Whoo-eee! Sorry I haven't written in you for so long, Diary, but I've been busier than Blogg-o tryin' to keep his hair neat in a Chicago windstorm. And you know how tough that one is!!

Let's see...what is going on in my world. Well, let me just list 'em and then I can keep them straight and talk about them. Of course most of them have to do with B-Man and all the stuff on his plate since I don't have much to do besides worry about him, but we ARE a couple (the "historic" couple, remember?) so his problem are my problems...even though neither of us know much about what to do to make them go away. Tee-hee. So here's the list: (1) The Gitmo detainees, (2) The economy, (3) Afghanistan, (4) Iraq, (5) The stink about that photograph of Air Force One and how it scared all those New Yorkers, and then the lesser things like what so much champagne is doing to my stomach, the perpetual problem of Nancy Pelosi and what to do with her, Stupid The Dog, and how much B-Man smokes. Gosh...that's a lot to talk about and here it is only 9:00 a.m. and I usually take a nap around 10:00 or so after some mimosas and caviar. I'll do my best, but no promises!

The Gitmo detainees. Man, that was one serious mistake B-Man made signing that paper right AFTER he got into office sayin' he'd close Gitmo in a year. What a stupid thing to do without any kind of plan at all! B-Man told me that Rahm made him do it to make all the people who voted for him happy, especially the ones that hate war. So he did it, but then he lost all the points he gained with them when he said he would be sending more troops to Afghanistan, but I'll talk about that later. So anyway, here he goes and signs that paper and NOW he has to figure out what to do with those bad men who are locked up in Cuba. Nobody in the United States wants them, and B-Man has begged and begged people in Europe to take them, but nobody wants them because they are such nasty guys. Here's what I think they should do with them: give them all jobs as prison guards!! They could work inside the prisons and make the prisoners behave. They have lots of experience being prisoners, they're mean just like guards need to be, and maybe the prisoners would stick home-made knives into them and then the problem would go away! I thought of that all by myself. I told B-Man about it and he just looked at me and lit a cigarette and then he blew the smoke right into my face and told me that's what he thought of my idea. Honestly, I try to help him and that's the way he treats me.

O.k....next. The economy. Here's the truth...B-Man doesn't have a clue what to do. And he doesn't really care, either. We get our "three hots and a cot" every day and that's all that matters to him. Actually I get about "six hots", plus champagne and snacks all the time. But the bottom line is he doesn't care and neither do I. If it works out, it works out...if not, more people lose their jobs but not us. Isn't it funny...B-Man and I can fly around in Air Force One and talk to people who've just been fired and tell them to keep their chin up because things will get better because B-Man will fix it. Hahhaahah....he's CLUELESS!!

Next, Iraq. Clueless again.

Next: the Air Force One photo. Look, if B-Man wants a picture taken, he gets a picture taken. As for those wussie New Yorkers who got so scared, I say get over it. That whole Twin Towers thing was not a good thing but it wasn't all that bad. Heck, more people get killed in downtown D.C. in a year than died in that attack and we'll build more buildings and things will move on. Besides, the guys who did it really believed they were doing the right thing so we should cut them some slack...that's what B-Man says anyway.

I don't know how much more I'm going to be able to type because I've been knocking back the champagne and I'm startin' to get a nice buzz, but I'll try to keep going. Oh yeah...the champagne and my stomach. Well, it's startin' to mess my stomach up, that's all I can say. B-Man says I drink waaaaay too much of it, but this whole White House gig is like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet for FREE!! I can't stop eating and drinking because we don't have to pay for it!! I counted the other day and I drank ten bottles of the stuff....I couldn't believe it! I drink it like other people drink water but I just can't stop. And it really messes up my bowels. The Secret Service men who follow me around have this sign they slap on the restroom doors after I've been in them: "Closed For Cleaning". Then they come back in a couple hours and take the sign off. Kind of embarrassing but I can't quit so that's just the way it is.

Nancy Pelosi: B-Man is at the end of his rope with her, which is where he says he'd like to see her hanging. She's hopeless....really. I've had to talk to her every now and then when I couldn't get out of it and she just rattles on and on about things and I can't even follow what she's saying, and the way she talks is like a cheap movie...her lips move but they don't match the words that come out. It's really strange. The last time I talked to her we were sitting on a couch at a party and right in the middle of a sentence she jumped up, just like she did like a thousand times during B-Man's State of The Union speech and shouted out, "I LOVE SWEET POTATOES!!"...just like that, and then she sat back down and just kept on talking. Honestly, I jumped a foot off the ground she startled me so much. When she finally shut up I asked her why she'd shouted that about sweet potatoes and she said, "Shouted what?" She is nuts....really nuts. And those folks in California just keep electing her, which says a lot about that State, huh?

I can't type any more. My head is going around and around and I need to poop. I'm done...maybe I'll write some more later but I don't know. I never know.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO

I Got Seriously Busted....But I Don't Care!!

With all this Swine flu stuff and Chrysler declaring bankruptcy and all the other terrible things B-Man is having to deal with, you'd think the press would leave ME alone for a little while, wouldn't you? I mean, I'm really not all that important but I guess all the drooling fans around the country..maybe even around the world since I was such a big hit when I went to Europe for whatever reason it was...I hardly remember...just need their daily fix of me and B-Man.

So here's the deal....I go to this food bank here in Washington, right? B-Man makes me do things like that to make a good impression on everyone, even though I HATE to even associate with all those nasty poor people who smell and look like they've been sleeping in a cardboard box. Heck, most of them don't even know who I am, and sometimes when I ask them, they don't even know who B-Man is!!!! Can you believe that?? The most famous man in the whole world right now and they don't even know!! When I find one like that I give them a picture of him and a copy of his book to read so maybe they'll get educated. So...anyway....I'm at this food bank giving stuff to eat to nasty, homeless people, and by mistake I wear my newest shoes. They're some of those Lanvin sneakers and I have to admit I paid over $500 for them. When I told B-Man what they cost he went nuts because he said we're supposed to represent the poor and the oppressed and all, but he smoked about ten cigarettes and drank some beer and finally he settled down. Then he admitted that we deserve to be treated like kings and I could get another pair of those sneakers that cost over $1,000 if I wanted to and the American public can just get over it. He said we got to the White House through a lot of hard work and now we're livin' high on the hog for the next four years!!! To be honest, the work we did wasn't all that hard...heck, it wasn't really even work. So I guess we really sort of sneaked into the White House, huh? Hahahah....well...we're here and too bad for everyone else who wanted to be here instead of us, especially that witch Hillary.

Honestly, Diary, she is looking worse and worse every day I see her! She has a bag the size of a Big Mac under each of those beady little eyes and her hair points out in all directions and she just looks like warmed over yak doo-doo. And when she talks her mouth is all puckered up like she just smelled one of B-Man's gas bubbles! Oooo...she really is disgusting. She gets puffed up like a boy peacock when she gets to do a press conference and acts like such a big-wig when really all she has is that title B-Man gave her because he's so afraid of Bill. She gets told what to say and do by other people and I think it's starting to get on her nerves. Here she wanted to be president and now she's really just a puppet with bags under her eyes and huge hips she tries to hide in those ugly pant-suits she wears. Which doesn't work if you've ever seen her from behind...whoooo..no wonder Bill doesn't even sleep in the same bed with her any more!

Anyway, the press makes this huge deal out of my expensive shoes, so I told them I have to get up at 5:30 every morning to walk Stupid The Dog and I needed some sneakers to wear. I know it was lame but it was all I could think of and I'm sure it was better than what B-Man would have come up with since he wouldn't have had his teleprompter to tell him what to say. And the stupid press bought it!!! Nobody even asked me why I couldn't have gotten a $50 pair of Nikes to walk Stupid with. Honestly, we can pretty much say and do anything we want and those idiots in the press make it alright. I think I could choke Stupid with my bare hands (which I'm tempted to do on a daily basis) and the headlines in the paper would be, "Bo Obama Asphyxiates On Chicken Bone And Dies". I had to look "asphyxiates" up in the dictionary because I didn't have a clue how to spell it. I didn't even know it has and "x" in it! So the press is pretty much just a joke....we might as well have Rahm just write the stories and send them to the newspapers to print.

Oh, before I go, I need to tell you a secret: now that B-Man runs the automobile companies, he's going to have them build a car and name it after ME!!! Can you believe that?? A car called the "Michelle"! So pretty soon my name will be plastered all over new cars on those little metal plates you can't even take off if you wanted to! I think he's also going to have one named after each of our girls, and he told me he's going to try to convince NASA to name one of the space shuttles after him and have a huge picture of his face painted on the nose of it! So when it goes into outer space, if there are any aliens out there (which we both think there are), maybe they'll see his face and realize how nice the earth is and call off their plans to attack us and turn us all into zombies. At least that's the plan, which I believe will work. Of course, like I said, B-Man has to convince NASA to do it. Since he's cut funding to practically everything if it even smells a little like defense, I'm sure NASA took some hits and they may not want his face on a shuttle. Ahh..he can just call some of his Chicago buddies and they can threaten to break some kneecaps and I'll bet they'll bust their rear ends to get it done then!! B-Man knows some really nasty people, believe me, and they owe him some huge favors.

Well, I'm tired now. I've been up for almost an hour and I think I'll knock back a half-dozen mimosa's and catch a quick nap before lunch.

Toodles
Michelle
XOXOXOXO